Vampires: The New Sexy

Posted on December 5, 2009

    Twilight is pretty much the hottest thing out, right now. The first two films in the series have been breaking box office records, and your esteemed blogger Arthbard has just been given a special sneak preview of the third movie.
    I know! I was as surprised as anyone!
    Anyway, in this film Bella has a brand new vampire love interest who I predict is going to be even more popular than the Edward Cullen character of the previous films.
    The movie is still several months away from release, but I’m pleased to be able to show you this trailer, which is presented in comic format for some reason.
    Just go with it!

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SafeTfit

Posted on November 28, 2009

random

Before- 230lbs (104kg)

After- 170lbs (77kg)

SafeTinspector’s Bullet Points of Fact and Braggarty*

I, SafeTinspector, lost sixty pounds and have kept it off for over a year.
I’m 37 and now weigh less than I did in my freshman year of high school.
I am more physically fit than at any time in my life.
Roughly 86% of people who first learn of these facts ask me some variation on the question, “what is your secret?”

    The reality is that I’ve got no secret. Many years ago Opus, a cyborg penguin sent to the year 1984 to kill a boy named Milo, attempted to lose weight through various complicated gimmicks and fads before finally exclaiming in exasperation, “there’s got to be some other way!”
    Milo leans in and says, “eat less and exercise,” to which Opus replies, “no, no, no! There’s got to be a simpler way.”
    Well, there’s not. Gimmicks and fads don’t work long-term because they aren’t designed to be a sustainable way of life or they exploit biological loopholes you must be in strict compliance with in order to succeed.**

I lost my sixty pounds by eating less and exercising. I went from a 38” (96cm) waistline to a 32” (81cm) waistline, XL shirts to M shirts, L underpants to S underpants.
It was NOT easy, but if you’re creative you can figure a way to trick yourself into doing it anyway.

Yes, I tricked myself; which turns out to be the closest thing I have to a secret. Instead of trusting in my flaccid willpower to succeed, I treated my future self as the faithless jerk he’ll inevitably turn out to be and worked hard to reduce his temptations while making it as inconvenient as possible for him to cheat.

I’ll give you some examples, details, and eventually we’ll get to physical exercise in the posts you’ll find here in the near future, I’m almost certain.

* The property by which an item is equivalent to a boast simply by existing in parallel with observed reality.
** dead man Atkins, I’m looking at YOU.

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The Hudson’s Gentlemen Only Department

Posted on November 27, 2009

Detroit, family, heather

My wife’s elderly grandmother often tells the same stories. Fortunately, most of the stories are fascinating glimpses into the past and, as I’ve not known her for as long as the rest of her family, the stories are often new to me.

Today I learned about the “Gentlemen Only” department at the downtown Hudson’s department store.

Run a bit like a burlesque parlor, this was a department where all the customers were men, all the workers were women, and live, lingerie clad models paraded in front of patrons. The men would lounge in leather chairs while sipping coffee, reading newspapers, and choosing which model should wear what clothing for their amusement and shopping pleasure.

Ostensibly this allowed well-to-do men to purchase clothes for their chattel–I mean women–in confidence and with a clear idea of what they would be getting for the money. And, during the late 1960’s, Heather’s grandma Iris was a popular part-time attendant due to her charming English accent and polite demeanor.

Tonight’s story had two parts:

Mafia Encounter
- A high ranking member of a prominent Detroit mafia family, accompanied by stereotypical ‘heavies,’ directed various models to wear skimpy underthings and expensive fur coats. After making his selections clear to Iris and delivering a veiled threat that there better be “no funny business”, he left for a few hours only to return with several thousand dollars in cash to make good his purchases.
  In parting he said, “I guess we’re all set, then,” and handed her a $20 bill.
The Philandering Pilot
- A Pan-Am pilot lounged away an afternoon directing various models to do his bidding, eventually purchasing two assortments of clothing. The first pile, fairly plain clothes fit for a portly lass, were to be packaged in Hudson’s shopping bags and packages. The second pile, made up of sexy undergarments and an expensive mink coat fit for a slighter build, were to be packaged in unmarked parcels, tightly sealed.
  ”Whatever you do,” said the pilot, “don’t mix those two orders up. It will mean your job if you do.”

Its like Mad Men come to life, and an amazing example of the man’s world as it once was.
This was one of my favorite Iris stories to date, although it does not trump the stories of developing the first aerial photographs of Auschwitz while in the RAF photography corps…. I should get a recorder and get a few of these down for posterity.

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Modifications Entered

Posted on November 21, 2009

random

I still haven’t figured out the speed problem I’ve been having here. I turned off widgets, plugins, rebuild the underlying databases, but no luck.
I changed the theme (you might’ve noticed the awful new look) and that seemed to help a little bit, but not enough.

I’ve a sneaking suspicion that I’ll have to export the mess and import it into a fresh install in order to get satisfaction.

Off to bed, and thanks for stopping by. Please fill out the guest information card on your way out and see Judy to get your parking validated.

Not impressed? Note the number of hand-plants.