But, in case you didn’t already know, Microsoft offers anti-virus/anti-malware product free-of-cost to Windows XP and Windows 7 users in the form of Microsoft Security Essentials. In fact, its been available since late 2009, and the current version is pretty good. Microsoft’s AV technology, acquired in the purchase of the Romanian software company GeCAD way back in June of 2003, is offered in a commercial package as “Forefront Client Security.”

    Now, it isn’t exactly free; if you are using it for business purposes and have more than ten computers, Microsoft requires that you purchase Forefront or use some other solution. Likewise, it isn’t to be used on a Microsoft Windows Server Anything. But, if you use Windows XP or Windows 7 as your primary OS, and aren’t getting an antivirus program through some other means (Comcast subscribers get Norton 360 with their subscription, and perhaps you masochistically enjoy the tender ministrations of Symantec’s bloated offering) then I encourage you to try it out. Microosft Security Essentials (Google search).

Time… marches ON!

The biggest negative side effect is various images that were lost (all of which are recent uploads) and all comments from after June of 2009. I don’t know as there were that many to begin with, but feel free to place them back when you get a chance.

    In the ensuing carnage, which saw the senseless slaughter of the galloping horse, the ghost-riding drum-roll, silenced metronome, and both the yellow AND blue marching dinosaurs, it was believed that all breeds of MS Hands were likewise wiped from the face of the puhblic Darpanet. The housewives rejoiced, and Microsoft finally made inroads into the home market where IBM’s WaRP had previously held the lion’s marketshare*.

    Some objected on cultural preservation grounds, believing that there was a place in this world for even the tackiest digital castoff. Dancing baby, tumbling football, rolling eyeball: each were snatched from the brink of extinction and given natural habitats in places like the Florida Panhandle’s “Hello World Farms” and “20 GOTO 10,” a Pheonix area refuge.

    I joined the roster of volunteers and, in 2009, I followed an anonymous tip to a crumbling crack-house in Pontiac, Michigan and there I located the last working copy of Windows XP Professional in Michigan. I inserted the cartridge into my Atari and, casting glances over my shoulder at the mean streets outside, began a frantic search through the archaic Windows folder.

    I shook, eyes a-wobble, as a full glove** of White Man Hand cursors were found huddling together, surviving on temp files and abandoned installer logs. They were sad, having either become separated from the rest of their kin having eaten them in desperation.

    Originally, there were Black Man Hand cursors, Black Girl Hand cursors and even White Girl Hand cursors. While I still search for these other lost glove-mates, I am still proud to announce that I made it out of Pontiac with this charming glove of White Man Hand cursors.

    My wife and I hosted a successful stud program avoiding the dangers of in-breeding, and when combined with a custom INF file and a ZIP file, we are adopting out gloves of these proud critters to anyone willing to give them a home.

Unpack it somewheres. Open the resulting “Hands Cursors” folder, right-click on the Install.inf file and select “Install”. Now you can find the hands in the pointer section of the Mouse settings on your computer. This wouldn’t be necessary if you were running Windows XP, but there are no more Windows XP computers anymore.

     On the 4th of July in 1776 America declared independence from its oppressive colonial masters. The surviving humans of the North American slave colony of New Jersey discovered, with the help of Ben Franklin and the then time-traveling Theodore Roosevelt, the fatal weakness of our alien masters, the D’Aret Krang.

     Ben Franklin’s research had revealed that the D’Aret Krang, a race of beings so genetically pure that they shared a single set of chromosomes, collectively suffered from a genetic propensity for epileptic seizures when exposed to bright, flashing lights. His rudimentary experimentation with electricity had failed to yield reproducible results, so Theodore Roosevelt was summoned from his time crypt once again to assist in finding a weaponizable source for blinky-blinkies.

     Unfortunately, Theodore Roosevelt’s time-travel machine had only one seat and this, combined with Thomas Edison’s homophobic fear of sitting on the manly lap of the massive Roosevelt, led the rebels to conclude that Edison could not be a part of the solution this time. Without Edison there was scant technology available to the desperate slaves of the time to take advantage of the newly discovered weakness.

     Fortunately Dolly Madison had an extensive collection of aesthetically pleasing incendiary devices gathered during her youthful journeys in the orient as a silk-trading ninja. A deployment of this technology was quickly organized by Paul Revere and El Quakerudo*, one which culminated in the simultaneous detonation of approximately 50 metric tons of saltpeter, gunpowder, and ‘fireworks.’

     The D’Aret Krang fell as one to the ground in a jiggly, hooting mass of alien flesh. George Washington and Nathaniel Hawthorn led bands of men in dragging our quivering former-masters into the very space craft that brought us our hateful overlords. They then programmed the ships to dive into the sun and America celebrated as the fleet of invaders burnt itself to cinders in the heliosphere if our favorite star, Sol.

     So join us in celebrating our victory, planet Earth! Thanks to our American forefathers (and a time-traveling Teddy) humans have been free to oppress themselves in peace ever since.

FREEDOM IS OURS! -peace out.

* Quakerudo is a musical group made up of youthful Quakers. As they discover their degenerate suxuality** they are replaced with fresh-faced and prepubescent replacements. There are always more fresh-faced and prepubescent replacements…

** I know what I said.

    Until then, I’m going to continue to be that dick you know who finds the idea of watching sports to be unfathomable and tedious.

    I can understand the enjoyment of actually playing a sport, though I tend to get carried away and hurt myself or others when I try to participate. But seeing a gaggle of overpaid meat-heads run around on the same patch of dirt for an hour or three when the outcome will surely do me neither harm nor good is a waste of video-game time. Fact***.

    But, sadly, this is not a view shared by my lovely wife. Heather has always loved hockey, and I’ve gotten used to the months of hockey games taking up our evenings and influencing our schedules. I consoled myself with the fact that Hockey would end come spring-time and we would get our nights back.

    In recent years she’s added baseball to her body of interest, night games of which now extend the sports season in our house through the summer months. I’m ok with that, too.

    But now we have this world cup stuff going on and, while such occasions passed without note in years past, I now find myself watching still more wealthy men running around a patch of dirt for hours. Only now it is all while plastic trumpets blare their hornet calls through our screen door to passing bugs. The insects are incapable of playing soccer/football.

    Speaking of which, I found a fish fly on a front window. Reminds me of my early years in St Claire Shores, where the harmless nuisances would die their little deaths all over your car at a moments notice.

The Ize Have It:For 24 hours, every time you find yourself using a verb ending in “ate” or “y”, change the ending to “ize.
    Nullify = nullifize, gravitate = gravitize.
Also, randomly add “ize” to common nouns to turn them into verbs.
    Tator Tot = Tator Totize, Pencil = Pencilize
Conversely, you should replace the ending of any verb that naturally would end in “ize” with “ate”. (Do not use “y”, as it is too short and doesn’t sound quite so self-important and douchey.)
    “Democratize” should now be “Democratize” and “illiminate” becomes “illuminize.”

Soup Talker: For one week, eat lunch at Panera Bread. Halfway through eating, carry on a loud, obnoxious, business related conversation with your soup. Gesticulate** using your spoon when making self-important points so that hapless passersby will be sure to be impressed with your awesome intellect.

Omniscient Interruptor: For a period of time no less than eight hours, do not allow anyone you speak with to complete a declarative statement. Interrupt at around the half-way mark of any sentence you hear by stating “Yeah, that’s exactly what I was talking about..,” and then follow with an anecdote that can’t be easily applied to the discussion at hand.

Bob: “And we decided that Dad had to go into a home because Judy can’t possibly-”
You: “Yeah, that’s exactly what I was talking about with Chad yesterday when he told me he didn’t want to pay for the premium kennel to take care of Kratos when he went to Houston. It’s gotta be hard, man.

Opinion Contrarian For 48.5 hours, any time someone begins to tell you about something they like or love, take the earliest opportunity to tell them that you are not into it, and the reason you are not into it is because you tried it once, and concluded that only a tasteless philistine would be fool enough to get into it.

Bob: “I don’t think I’ve ever missed an episode of “Enigma 2000,” that show just really gets under my skin.”
You: “Yeah, I watched an episode. I thought it was way too derivative and, really, poorly written. I pretty much just drink spring water and read Cigar magazine during that timeslot.”

Bob:”I drive a Volkswagon Golf. Just picked it up, and it’s a load of fun to drive.”
You:”I test drove one of those during a sneak-peek at the Troy Motor Mall. It was OK, I guess, if you like rattles and don’t care about quality car audio. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure its fine for you, but it just isn’t my kind of car.”

Popped polo collar: Pop your polo collar.

While these may all seem pretty tough, they represent some of the few exercises* a lay-person can easily perform without having properly prepared his or herself for douche-baggery. Just imagine the mental gymnastics a real douche-bag must go through in order to maintain all the douche-mannarisms necessary to maintain their