Now! Even more accurate with Amazing Additions!

On the 4th of July in 1776 America declared independence from our oppressive colonial masters. The surviving humans of the North American slave colony of New Jersey discovered, with the help of Ben Franklin and the then time-traveling Theodore Roosevelt, the fatal weakness of our alien masters, the D’Aret Krang.

Ben Franklin research indicated that the D’Aret Krang, a race of beings so genetically pure that they shared a single set of chromosomes, collectively suffered from a genetic propensity for epileptic seizures when exposed to bright, flashing lights. His rudimentary experimentations with electricity had failed to yield reproducable results, so Theodore Roosevelt was summoned once again to assist in finding a source for blinky-blinkies.

Unfortunately, Theodore Roosevelt’s time-travel machine had only one seat and this, combined with Thomas Edison’s homophobic fear of sitting on the manly lap of the massive Roosevelt, led the rebels to conclude that Edison’s would not be a part of the solution this time. Without Edison there was scant technology available to the desperate slaves of the time to take advantage of the newly discovered weakness.

Fortunately Dolly Madison, through her youthful journeys in the orient as a Ronin, Ninja and silk-trader, had an extensive collection of aesthetically pleasing incendiary devices. A deployment of this technology was quickly organized by Paul Revere and El Quakerudo* which culminated in the simultaneous detonation of approximately 50 metric tons of saltpeter, gunpowder, and ‘fireworks.’

The D’Aret Krang fell as one to the ground in a jiggly, hooting mass of alien flesh. George Washington and Nathaniel Hawthorn led bands of men in dragging our quivering former-masters into the very space craft that brought us the hateful overlords. They then programmed the ships to dive into the sun and America celebrated as the fleet of invaders burnt itself to cinders in the heliosphere if our favorite star, Sol.

So join us in celebrating our victory, planet Earth! Thanks to our American forefathers (and a time-traveling Teddy) humans have been free to oppress themselves in peace ever since.

FREEDOM IS OURS! -peace out.

* Quakerudo is a musical group made up of youthful Quakers. As they discover their degenerate suxuality** they are replaced with fresh-faced and prepubescent replacements. There are always more…

** I know what I said.

    Today was supposed to be a day off for me, but I was on call and spent a large portion of the day working on various emergencies.

    At one point I found myself on the phone with a Jewish accountant who was, of course, working today as well. We got to talking about the fact that it was a holiday (and that he would therefore be charged 1.5X normal rate for my assistance) and I idly speculated that Good Friday must be a strange holiday for him because while it has plenty of Christian iconography there is no marketing involved.

    The fellow, who I’ve known for many years, found the joke somewhat amusing, but I sensed that his chuckle was a little labored. He probably felt guilty for killing Jesus or something.

    I then proceeded to tell him I can’t understand how I’ve been given the day off but there’s no corresponding pile of crap in my way at the drug store.

    There are no “Good Friday” candies or stuffed animals. Not even a chocolate crucifix.

Which gave me an idea which I later broached in a conversation with my good friend, DaveCat..

    The idea? A chocolate crucifix with tiny Spam Jesus hanging from it!
It could even come with a little toothpick to stab into the side of tiny Spam Jesus after you’ve had him in your house for a few hours. Cherry liquor would then ooze out.

    And, late at night, as Good Friday draws to a close, your family could stand around, each of you with your own little spam Jesus, and eat them.

    All together, you cry, “Father! Why hast thou forsaken me!”
    *Chomp!*

    ’Course, I don’t think I’d actually be able to eat spam and chocolate in the same bite without vomiting, and Jesus probably wouldn’t want that.     Especially since the spam-Jesus-on-a-chocolate-crucifix probably qualifies as Eucharist. So I guess this wasn’t as good an idea as I thought. Its just bad mojo to vomit spam Jesus.