Archive for the ‘history’ Category
Share and Edit My Memories
Posted on August 6, 2010
culture, history, internet culture, microsoft
 Finally, with Microsoft’s help I can finally have that cool adolescence I saw other kids having on TV, and I’ll have never put my foot in my mouth even once. And then, using this sharing function, I’ll have everyone remember what a stud I’ll now have always been and be jealous of how good looking I once will have was. |
20 Year Reunion, the pre-SafeT era
Posted on June 28, 2010
Detroit, culture, family, history
 SafeT at 17.5 years of age. Note overgrown flat-top. Hell, note the HAIR! |
SafeT:So that was what a twenty year reunion is like*. Everyone else looked so old; I hope my boyish good looks** didn’t cause any jealousy. |
| Antoine McCallum: Dude, as athletic and fit as you are, I wouldn’t be surprised if it did. James Kirkpatrick:Impressions from the night, besides the fact that you’ve kept your young skin by sleeping in formaldehyde nightly? SafeT: Antoine, I’d have had to take off some clothes for anyone to notice the fitness, and no amount of fitness can mask my craggy mug. James, other than Tim Vokes, whom I’d seen as recently as a few years ago, I hadn’t seen any of these people since high school graduation. For the most part, I was startled at how old everyone looks, and I can only assume I looked startlingly old to them as well; though I just think of myself as looking like ‘me’. There were lots of lumpier faces, balding heads and beer guts on the men. Most women were wider in the hips and had some crows feet on their faces. Several of the ladies (and I’ll not name names) looked more attractive now than in high school but, AFAIK, none of the men fared as well. I think that’s more a testament to the God-awful clothes and hairstyles women wore in the late eighties than anything else. The group was small, but that fits the size of our class, really. (~80 graduates) And when we adjourned to the “rock” room @ ~22:00, Derek Jenza queued up an earsplitting assortment of period tunes the likes of which I’d grown tired of when still a virgin. This would be more tolerable had it not been mind-numbingly loud. I tired of trying to read lips and Heather and I beat a hasty retreat shortly thereafter. I left regretting not the reunion, as it was inevitable and missing it would have left a nagging doubt in my mind forevermore, but I’m certainly reassured that my dogged resistance to looking back has been the correct path all along. |
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* In case you need context, SafeT attended his 20 Year High School Reunion at the Emerald Theater in downtown Mount Clemens, Michigan on Saturday, June 26th, 2010.
** I’m not delusional and I’m not encumbered by sincere and spontaneous braggadocio. This was a weak attempt at sarcasm.
The Town Is Mispelled
Posted on March 19, 2010
 I understand the application incorrectly shows the name of your new branch as “Middleton” instead of “Middletown.”
Upon examination of the underlying code and due to schema issues, reconfiguring the software to correct this condition presents a rather sticky and seemingly insurmountable technical problem. I don’t think it can be fixed. I have taken the liberty of calling a local attorney and have had him begin the process of introducing a name-change initiative onto the 2010 Fall ballot. The attorney voiced some concern over whether he will be able to gather the requisite number of signatures in time, so I’ve also asked him to begin filing a petition to force the town name change on the grounds that the word “Middletown” is in direct copyright violation of Middleton, Rhode Island, which has a credible prior claim to the valuable trademark. I estimate that the problem should be corrected within the next year-and-a-half, depending on which avenue produces fruit soonest. Sorry for the inconvenience. -SafeTinspector |
Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone
Posted on November 27, 2008
dummie books, food, history, holidays, religion
For those of you outside the USA, Thanksgiving is a holiday many people believe was instituted first by the so-called “Pilgrims,” who are more accurately called the “Pilsners,” a name that has since been solely associated with their egalitarian meal-replacement drink, “pilsner beer.”
On June 15th in the year 1215, the first batch of Pilsners stepped off their sole remaining ship the Lusitania onto the beach of Plymouth, in a territory the natives of that time called “Zeropercentfinansinga,” which means quite literally “Milk of the Bitch”.
There they met the Incan delegation of king Imhotep who extended the “Wreath of Solitude,” a halo of vegetation said to produce ennui and irritability–qualities indicative of holiness and/or royalty. Uncertain of the meaning of the gesture, and still quite disconsolate following the loss of the Lusitania’s twin Pilsner ship the HMS Edmond Fitzgerald, the Pilsner leader named Herbert Hoover used part of the wreath as kindling to light the hearth fires of his swiftly erected shanty town and consumed the rest as a sort of salad cooked entirely in the hollowed body cavity of a local game bird, the Turkey.
And while the long and bloody war this diplomatic faux pas created ultimately ended in the destruction of the Incan empire and the adoption of Puritanicism amongst the pagan Pilsners, that first meal was said to be quite a thing to behold as it worked its laxativatious magic on the exhausted and soon-to-be-evacuated Pilsners.
So from that day forth the god-fearing people of North America have celebrated Thanksgiving and today is the day.
Also, if you noticed my website was down last night, gee, thanks for calling me and telling me about it. Jerks. If you didn’t notice, well, you need to come around more often. Lastly, Arth! We need an article about the resurgence of the Dummies series! This time….with PROPS!
Fourth Annual 4th Of July Remembrance
Posted on July 3, 2008
Now! Even more accurate with Amazing Additions!
On the 4th of July in 1776 America declared independence from our oppressive colonial masters. The surviving humans of the North American slave colony of New Jersey discovered, with the help of Ben Franklin and the then time-traveling Theodore Roosevelt, the fatal weakness of our alien masters, the D’Aret Krang.
Ben Franklin research indicated that the D’Aret Krang, a race of beings so genetically pure that they shared a single set of chromosomes, collectively suffered from a genetic propensity for epileptic seizures when exposed to bright, flashing lights. His rudimentary experimentations with electricity had failed to yield reproducable results, so Theodore Roosevelt was summoned once again to assist in finding a source for blinky-blinkies.
Unfortunately, Theodore Roosevelt’s time-travel machine had only one seat and this, combined with Thomas Edison’s homophobic fear of sitting on the manly lap of the massive Roosevelt, led the rebels to conclude that Edison’s would not be a part of the solution this time. Without Edison there was scant technology available to the desperate slaves of the time to take advantage of the newly discovered weakness.
Fortunately Dolly Madison, through her youthful journeys in the orient as a Ronin, Ninja and silk-trader, had an extensive collection of aesthetically pleasing incendiary devices. A deployment of this technology was quickly organized by Paul Revere and El Quakerudo* which culminated in the simultaneous detonation of approximately 50 metric tons of saltpeter, gunpowder, and ‘fireworks.’
The D’Aret Krang fell as one to the ground in a jiggly, hooting mass of alien flesh. George Washington and Nathaniel Hawthorn led bands of men in dragging our quivering former-masters into the very space craft that brought us the hateful overlords. They then programmed the ships to dive into the sun and America celebrated as the fleet of invaders burnt itself to cinders in the heliosphere if our favorite star, Sol.
So join us in celebrating our victory, planet Earth! Thanks to our American forefathers (and a time-traveling Teddy) humans have been free to oppress themselves in peace ever since.
FREEDOM IS OURS! -peace out.
* Quakerudo is a musical group made up of youthful Quakers. As they discover their degenerate suxuality** they are replaced with fresh-faced and prepubescent replacements. There are always more…
** I know what I said.
