Hello, yes. I do live in the state of South Carolina. Always have.
    In the past, my state’s big claim to fame has always been that it was the first to secede, plunging the country into Civil War, during which time, thank God, my state’s side lost. Its most famous politicans have always been the pro-slavery John C. Calhoun and pro-segregation Strom Thurmond.
    At least until Mark Sanford–that brave soul–decided that this state should go down in history for something even stupider than not liking black people.
    As you may heard, Governor Sanford mysteriously disappeared for about a week back in June without telling anyone where he was going or bothering to transfer gubernatorial power, leaving open the very pertinent question of just who the fuck was in charge at this time. When asked about Sanford’s whereabouts over that Father’s Day weekend, his own wife responded with a curt “I don’t know where he is.”
    When the Governor finally returned, he held a tear-streaked press conference during which he admitted to having an affair with an Argentinian woman.
    Of course, Governor Sanford vowed to attempt to work things out with his wife, all the while telling everyone that the Argentinian woman was his “soul mate.” Which his wife, presumably, was not–obviously good, solid ground for attempting to reconcile a strained marriage.
    But, it turns out that wasn’t the full extent of Governor Sanford’s incredibly, magnificently stupid plan to get the State of South Carolina remembered for the dumbest thing ever. No, he’s been working on this for years, and only now is the extent of his grand scheme being revealed to the public!
    Because, with his Argentinian excursions, the Governor’s usage of state funds in his travels has come under increasing scrutiny.
    Because, the man who likes to make such a big deal over government spending, the man who refused to accept federal money for our state’s schools on the grounds that he didn’t like President Barack Obama’s stimulus plan (again with the black people!), the man whose Web site features a page drawing attention to the South Carolina Budget Waste of the Day … This man! is responsible for inspiring this AP Story, of which I will now quote my favorite section verbatim:

    On March 10, 2006, a state plane was sent to pick up Sanford in Myrtle Beach and return him to Columbia, the state capital, at a cost of $1,265 — when his calendar showed his only appointment in Columbia was “personal time” at his favorite discount hair salon. He had flown to Myrtle Beach on a private plane and attended a county GOP event.
    The trip home on the state aircraft took off at 1:50 p.m. and arrived in Columbia at 2:35 p.m., enabling the governor to keep his plans for a 3 p.m. haircut across town.

    See, he was being thrifty. It was a discount hair salon. Thank God he made it in time for his appointment. The results speak for themselves.

    We’re all familiar with generic, store brand, ripoff products. They’re those products that are extremely similar to some more well-known product, but subtly different and decidedly cheaper.
    There comes a very important point in the development of any knockoff product, however, when the makers have to decide: What the Hell do we call this shit? You see, they have to come up with a name that’s similar enough to evoke images of the actual product they’re emulating, but different enough to avoid a lawsuit. This sometimes leads to interesting results.
    I’ll never forget, for example, when my mom would go shopping and come home with a bottle of Extra Strength Non-Aspirin. What was in the bottle, I couldn’t tell you, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t aspirin.
    Still, few product names have amused me as much as this Food Lion brand Isn’t It Butter.
    I mean, Fabio may not have been able to believe it, but at Food Lion, they’re still not really sure. Isn’t it butter? It might be … We think it is … Y’know, we really can’t tell.
    Ultimately, though, the brand “Isn’t It Butter” won out over alternate names “It Tastes Like Butter,” “I Swear To God, I Really Think This Must Be Butter,” and “Here, Try Some Of This And Tell Me If You Think It’s Butter Or Not.”
    Still, though, at least this product name is slightly less ridiculous than that of the product it’s ripping off. Do you think Fabio can believe that?

    It’s not every day that one gets to write about a genuine miracle. As a skeptic, cynic, and general nonbeliever, it pains me to even admit that an actual, according-to-Hoyle, hand-of-God miracle might exist … But, I may have just found it. Read on in amazement:

    Yes, do you see it? Do you see!
    The Kraft corporation has apparently done the impossible. The Miracle Whip¹ you see before you proudly advertises two amazing and seemingly incompatible qualities: It is simultaneously “New & More Amazing” and “The Tangy Original.” At the same time! thereby making it the only blatantly self-contradictory sandwich ingredient I happen to be aware of.
    How did they achieve this? How did Kraft manage to create something that is both “new” and “the original” in one gooey, white substance? Obviously, such an amazing thing must be a well-guarded company secret, so we can only speculate.
    Perhaps Kraft has simply learned to exploit the ever-popular Schrödinger’s cat effect, where the relative newness/tangy-originalness is dependent on some reaction at the sub-sub-subatomic level, causing both possibilities to be equally true until someone observes the mayonnaise.² This may well be the very first example of a condiment marketed on the basis of quantum physics. However, we have to consider the fact that tasting the mayonnaise certainly counts as observing it, which would cause the Miracle Whip’s waveform to collapse, bringing a sudden, disappointing end to its inexplicacality right there in your mouth, which is where it would have really mattered, anyway.
    On the other hand, perhaps the Miracle Whip was made “New & More Amazing” simply by adding even more tangy originality. Thus, the levels of newness and originalness would be directly proportional to each other, but this does still leave us with one question: How did they increase both the amount of tangy originality and new & more amazingness … without increasing the size of the jar! This insinuates that a high degree of tangy originalness would have to be compressed down into a smaller unit. This might avoid increasing the volume, but it would certainly increase the mass of the mayonnaise and, by extension, its weight, which doesn’t seem to have happened.
    Which pretty much brings our conventional line of scientific reasoning to a dead end, leaving us with only one real conclusion: This Miracle Whip is, in fact, a miracle, bestowed onto the Kraft corporation by God Himself. Why does God favor Miracle Whip so? Why does He see fit to offer such blessings to the people at Kraft? I dare not presume to know the will of the Lord Almighty, but He certainly seems to be showing a great deal of support for His preferred sandwich spread.
    So, you should probably eat more Miracle Whip.

1. Yes, I eat Miracle Whip. And, yes, as a matter of fact I do prefer it to real mayonnaise. Screw you. [↩]
2. Yes, I called Miracle Whip mayonnaise. Come on, mayonnaise is a funny word. Cut me some slack. [↩]

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Improving Your IQ – If only it were that easy.

English Grammar Workbook For Dummies – I don’t honestly know how effective this will be, but it’s sorely needed.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Journaling – Preserve your dumbass thoughts for future generations.

Vocabulary for Dummies – Dummy vocabulary, hmm? Maybe it can help explain this “Git-r-done” I’ve been hearing so much about.

Poetry for Dummies – I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that most of these include the word “Nantucket.”

Etiquette for Dummies – While I don’t expect that a simple book is going to start making stupid people behave in a civilized fashion, I certainly applaud the attempt.

Research Papers for Dummies – Notice it doesn’t say “Writing Research Papers.” Perhaps it’s just a collection of reports the student can hand in as is.

Signing for Dummies – I know it’s really about sign language, but please … Just let me pretend it’s about signing your name.

Baby Signing For Dummies – Mr. Dummy! Mr. Dummy! Please sign my baby!

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Writing Poetry - I assume it describes the method where you run through the entire alphabet trying to find a word that rhymes properly … Aoperly … Boperly … Coperly … Dammit, this might take a while.

Screenwriting for Dummies – I think this book is probably solely to blame for the state of the motion picture industry, right now.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Clear Communication – Clear communication is important to learn. Because the typical idiot method of saying things like “Fruit bat canoe hop a speedy boat house” just isn’t gonna cut the mustard.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Web Animation – Yeah, only idiots make web anima … Wait …

    Jesus Christ! It’s Arthbard!
    That’s right. After all this time, even I was sure I must be lying dead in ditch somewhere. But, here I am, back from the grave.
    And, on that note, let me tell you a story about my favorite fellow corpse: