The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Improving Your IQ – If only it were that easy.

English Grammar Workbook For Dummies – I don’t honestly know how effective this will be, but it’s sorely needed.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Journaling – Preserve your dumbass thoughts for future generations.

Vocabulary for Dummies – Dummy vocabulary, hmm? Maybe it can help explain this “Git-r-done” I’ve been hearing so much about.

Poetry for Dummies – I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that most of these include the word “Nantucket.”

Etiquette for Dummies – While I don’t expect that a simple book is going to start making stupid people behave in a civilized fashion, I certainly applaud the attempt.

Research Papers for Dummies – Notice it doesn’t say “Writing Research Papers.” Perhaps it’s just a collection of reports the student can hand in as is.

Signing for Dummies – I know it’s really about sign language, but please … Just let me pretend it’s about signing your name.

Baby Signing For Dummies – Mr. Dummy! Mr. Dummy! Please sign my baby!

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Writing Poetry - I assume it describes the method where you run through the entire alphabet trying to find a word that rhymes properly … Aoperly … Boperly … Coperly … Dammit, this might take a while.

Screenwriting for Dummies – I think this book is probably solely to blame for the state of the motion picture industry, right now.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Clear Communication – Clear communication is important to learn. Because the typical idiot method of saying things like “Fruit bat canoe hop a speedy boat house” just isn’t gonna cut the mustard.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Web Animation – Yeah, only idiots make web anima … Wait …

    For those of you outside the USA, Thanksgiving is a holiday many people believe was instituted first by the so-called “Pilgrims,” who are more accurately called the “Pilsners,” a name that has since been solely associated with their egalitarian meal-replacement drink, “pilsner beer.”

    On June 15th in the year 1215, the first batch of Pilsners stepped off their sole remaining ship the Lusitania onto the beach of Plymouth, in a territory the natives of that time called “Zeropercentfinansinga,” which means quite literally “Milk of the Bitch”.

    There they met the Incan delegation of king Imhotep who extended the “Wreath of Solitude,” a halo of vegetation said to produce ennui and irritability–qualities indicative of holiness and/or royalty. Uncertain of the meaning of the gesture, and still quite disconsolate following the loss of the Lusitania’s twin Pilsner ship the HMS Edmond Fitzgerald, the Pilsner leader named Herbert Hoover used part of the wreath as kindling to light the hearth fires of his swiftly erected shanty town and consumed the rest as a sort of salad cooked entirely in the hollowed body cavity of a local game bird, the Turkey.

    And while the long and bloody war this diplomatic faux pas created ultimately ended in the destruction of the Incan empire and the adoption of Puritanicism amongst the pagan Pilsners, that first meal was said to be quite a thing to behold as it worked its laxativatious magic on the exhausted and soon-to-be-evacuated Pilsners.

    So from that day forth the god-fearing people of North America have celebrated Thanksgiving and today is the day.

    Also, if you noticed my website was down last night, gee, thanks for calling me and telling me about it. Jerks. If you didn’t notice, well, you need to come around more often. Lastly, Arth! We need an article about the resurgence of the Dummies series! This time….with PROPS!

    Thanks, Arthbard! No more messy newspaper for me.

Walt Disney World and Orlando For Dummies - Because it’s vitally important to know whether you should get on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride first or wait until you’ve already done Pirates of the Caribbean.

Entertaining for Dummies - This may not actually be the subject of the book. It may just be a description.

Bookselling for Dummies - I’d say if you describe your book as “Entertaining for Dummies,” you’re bound to sell a few copies here and there.

Customer Service For Dummies - Yeah … I’ve had this experience before.

Writing Children’s Books for Dummies - The main reason I tend to prefer the “Dummy” books over the “Idiot” ones is the slight vagueness of wording in the titles. In this case, for example … Are dummies writing books for children or does the term refer to the children who will be reading them? It’s like a deeply philosophical question for those who are neither deep nor philosophical.

Marketing for Dummies - Again, I don’t quite know if this is marketing by dummies or marketing to dummies, but either one sounds about right to me.

Selling for Dummies - See Marketing.

Bartending For Dummies - See Selling.

Writing a Romance Novel for Dummies - See Bartending.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Writing Erotic Romance - Dummies write romance. Idiots write erotic romance. This is a key distinction.

Housetraining for Dummies - Good. ‘Cause I hate non-housetrained dummies.

Potty Training for Dummies - See housetraining.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes - Jokes should only be constructed of the finest materials, including but not limited to creative puns, pop culture references, and social satire. But, if all else fails, just make a fart noise with your mouth. Thhhbbbttt!

IN homage to my MIA blog-mate, Arthbard, I bring you this field photograph of what might be the most redundant expulsion of the Idiot’s Guide series*. I suppose it might be bested by a theoretical “Idiot’s Guide to Idiocy,” but until then, this will do nicely.     If you find that your superstitious fears are too complicated and confusing, and you’re tired of all the overly-technical textbooks on the subject, then here’s your book. * For a far superior exploration of the Idiot’s Guide series, you might wish to consule Arth’s insanely humorous article, Blog Entry for Stupid People.

Job Interviews for Dummies – The most important rule: Don’t let on that you’re a dummy. Interviewers tend to look down on that.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Pentagon – I wonder if this is about the Department of Defense headquarters or just the shape. My money’s on the shape.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Football – Finally, this confirms something I’ve always suspected.

Bipolar Disorder for Dummies – At first, I thought this title was funny … But now it just makes me depressed.
    … Where’s my gun?

Blogging For Dummies – Hey, ya’ll, check it out! How many of us have a copy of this?

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Self-Defense – If the need ever arises, they say you should yell “fire” instead of “rape,” because if you yell “rape,” no one will want to get involved. So then, if there’s ever a fire, you should probably yell “car crash,” because everyone always slows down to check out car crashes. And, if you crash your car, you should yell “doughnuts,” so everyone comes running. If there are ever doughnuts around, yell “rape” so you don’t have to share.

Singing for Dummies - Please, God, no. We already have far too much of this.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Singing – No … No! Make it stop! Make it stop!

Songwriting for Dummies – Because “Mmmbop” doesn’t just write itself, y’know.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Power Yoga – What? They have Power Yoga, now? That sounds awesome!

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Cigars – If you can’t figure out how to light a cigar, I don’t think a book will help you.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Smoothies – No, really, this is a real book.

Exercise Balls for Dummies – This probably isn’t what I think it is.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Comedy Writing – Ah! My terrible, terrible secret is revealed!

This entry marks the TRIUMPHANT return of Arthbard!!!
    One of my more surreal experiences (okay, maybe not that surreal, but bear with me) was when I was first toying with the idea of learning to play the guitar. Foregoing formal lessons, I went the DIY route and made a visit to the bookstore in search of some sort of guide. They had two books: Guitar for Dummies and The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Playing the Guitar. So, imagine me, if you will, standing there, considering my options carefully. There was a choice to be made, here, and if I hoped to make that choice, I was going to have to ask myself a very important question: Am I a dummy or an idiot? Because, y’know … You don’t want to buy the wrong book. If you did that, you’d just feel stupid.
    That’s not an easy question to answer, either. And it’s further complicated by the question of reliability. After all, if I am indeed a dummy or an idiot, then how can I be expected to put any credence whatsoever into whatever decision I might ultimately make regarding my dummy/idiot status. Obviously, I couldn’t be trusted to self-diagnose myself as one or the other, could I? Maybe there’s some kind of test for this?
    But, I somehow find myself inordinately fascinated with “Dummies” and “Idiots” books. I don’t know why. The simple idea that a guide book can be written specifically for those who aren’t very bright just grabs my attention. I also like the idea that a book can insult its readers directly in the title and still sell really well. In fact, it leads me to wonder what kind of success I could have titling a novel, If You Buy This, You’re a Stupid Moron. Given the number of these guidebooks that come out, though, I’m led to believe that I’d likely have greater success publishing The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Writing Dummy Books.

    Here’s a smattering of titles from both series, snarky comments courtesy of your friendly, neighborhood Arthbard:

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Calculus – I’m reasonably sure “Idiot Calculus” is a paradoxical concept.

Trigonometry For Dummies – When I was taking college entrance exams, I found that it’s apparently pretty typical for even bright students who are total crackerjack aces in Calculus and Algebra to completely blow on the Trigonometry sections. I don’t know what chance a stupid person might have of mastering it … Or even of when the need of such a skill would arise over the course of their everyday stupid lives.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Philosophy – So … Deep thoughts for shallow brains?

Nanotechnology For Dummies – I’m sure someone must have proposed this as a practical joke to a publishing executive who didn’t quite grasp the concept that nanotechnology and morons are mutually exclusive subjects.

Everyday Math for Dummies – Finally, a guidebook that sets its sights low.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Running – Put one foot in front of the other. Repeat as necessary.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Fasting – Note to idiots: this probably isn’t the same thing as running.

iPod & iTunes For Dummies – I know there are some computer illiterate folks out there, but seriously … If you honestly need a book to figure out how to work your goddamned iPod, you deserve the dummy label.

iPod for Dummies – Presumably, then, this one’s for those rare people who can figure out iTunes but find the iPod, itself, too complicated. I reckon that’s a pretty narrow IQ range there. Like … From 61-62.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide para Aprender Ingles – The last half of the title is, in fact, Spanish, and it all comes out to The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Learning English. But I’m personally amused that the bilingual nature of the title means that any Spanish person who needs to use this book is going to be halfway through reading it before they figure out they’ve been called an idiot.