Not So Safe After All at SafeTinspector

Not So Safe After All

I fell off my Big Wheel^tm on the way to the ice cream truck and cried. Many years later, while rushing to verify Samantha’s arrival at a friend’s house, I inadvertently began storing, in my left nipple, a large number of… no, not this time. As opposed to storing ANYTHING in my left nipple, this time I lost control of my bicycle and landed in a pitiful heap in the grass along 21 Mile Road. It was beautiful day; it was fortunate that my sunglasses were still on my head, filtering out the UV as I stared straight up at the sky and regretted my recent errors. I got up and tottered along, rolling my bike alongside me. Samantha, who had seen the whole thing, ran up to me. Concerned, she asked, “Daddy are you ok?” ”Uh…,” I considered the question a moment, limped another step, and looked down at her through the sunglasses I now realize were crooked by at least 35 degrees, “I’m not… sure.” ”Can I spend the night?!?”
It was about then that I noticed a bone sticking up, tenting the skin of my shoulder pretty fierce. A couple hours and some tedious rushing about and ER shenanigans and I learned that I’d separated my clavicle. The ligaments that normally hold the acl joint together had been torn asunder by the Earth. I popped it back mostly in place myself while waiting for the x-ray to be interpreted at the ER, and the picture you see here was the appearance of my shoulder the day after the accident. The discoloration running down my arm eventually turned into a beautiful blotchy, purple mess. (not pictured) Keep in mind I didn’t actually hurt my arm; the apparent bruising is actually the blood from the injury migrating away from the damaged tissue…probably because there’s not enough room up there. I visited my orthopedic doctor the very next day.

My leg ain’t so pretty either.	He fitted me with my very own sling, gave me a lolly, and put the kibosh on all exercise until I next see him, which will be next Monday. At which time he’ll test the “stability” of the clavicle to determine long term treatment plans–perhaps even surgery, though I doubt it’ll come to that. I’m kinda worried about the stability test. My shoulder aches just sitting there atop my torso. I don’t look forward to him doing this: ACL Stability Test, University of Oregon Ugh. The next night I dropped my cell phone and instinctively grabbed at it with both hands to try to catch it. This proved quite painful. I took a Vicodin and that night spent an hour tweeting non-sense. I’ll post those next time, when you’ll learn about fighter jets for breakfast anus.