Police are warning about a new threat to our safety.

A new criminal walks our streets, threatening our way of life.

A criminal who invades our very homes.

For the past several months, this mysterious offender, known only as “The Bread Molester,” has been breaking into houses in order to stroke, grope, and otherwise fondle your bread.

Police sketch artists have issued this image based on witness descriptions:

Police are advising everyone to examine their bread carefully. You may have been a victim of the Bread Molester if your bread exhibits any of the following syptoms:

• Traces of saliva
• Penis-shaped holes
• A mysterious white sauce of unknown origins

If you or anyone you know suspects that your bread has been molested, please:

• Notify the police
• Store the bread in a cool, dry place

and, above all else,

• DO NOT EAT THE BREAD

Please! Warn your friends!

Spread the Word!

Protect your bread!

Only with your help can we ever hope to end the menace of

THE BREAD MOLESTER!