Genuinely Miraculous Whip

Posted on July 17, 2009

comedy

    It’s not every day that one gets to write about a genuine miracle. As a skeptic, cynic, and general nonbeliever, it pains me to even admit that an actual, according-to-Hoyle, hand-of-God miracle might exist … But, I may have just found it. Read on in amazement:

    Yes, do you see it? Do you see!
    The Kraft corporation has apparently done the impossible. The Miracle Whip¹ you see before you proudly advertises two amazing and seemingly incompatible qualities: It is simultaneously “New & More Amazing” and “The Tangy Original.” At the same time! thereby making it the only blatantly self-contradictory sandwich ingredient I happen to be aware of.
    How did they achieve this? How did Kraft manage to create something that is both “new” and “the original” in one gooey, white substance? Obviously, such an amazing thing must be a well-guarded company secret, so we can only speculate.
    Perhaps Kraft has simply learned to exploit the ever-popular Schrödinger’s cat effect, where the relative newness/tangy-originalness is dependent on some reaction at the sub-sub-subatomic level, causing both possibilities to be equally true until someone observes the mayonnaise.² This may well be the very first example of a condiment marketed on the basis of quantum physics. However, we have to consider the fact that tasting the mayonnaise certainly counts as observing it, which would cause the Miracle Whip’s waveform to collapse, bringing a sudden, disappointing end to its inexplicacality right there in your mouth, which is where it would have really mattered, anyway.
    On the other hand, perhaps the Miracle Whip was made “New & More Amazing” simply by adding even more tangy originality. Thus, the levels of newness and originalness would be directly proportional to each other, but this does still leave us with one question: How did they increase both the amount of tangy originality and new & more amazingness … without increasing the size of the jar! This insinuates that a high degree of tangy originalness would have to be compressed down into a smaller unit. This might avoid increasing the volume, but it would certainly increase the mass of the mayonnaise and, by extension, its weight, which doesn’t seem to have happened.
    Which pretty much brings our conventional line of scientific reasoning to a dead end, leaving us with only one real conclusion: This Miracle Whip is, in fact, a miracle, bestowed onto the Kraft corporation by God Himself. Why does God favor Miracle Whip so? Why does He see fit to offer such blessings to the people at Kraft? I dare not presume to know the will of the Lord Almighty, but He certainly seems to be showing a great deal of support for His preferred sandwich spread.
    So, you should probably eat more Miracle Whip.

1. Yes, I eat Miracle Whip. And, yes, as a matter of fact I do prefer it to real mayonnaise. Screw you. [↩]
2. Yes, I called Miracle Whip mayonnaise. Come on, mayonnaise is a funny word. Cut me some slack. [↩]