The following is an actual email conversation which took place following a system upgrade at one of my client sites between a user and the on-site IT staff.
    The names have been changed to reduce legal liability.

• _____________________________________________
  From: Carmilla Richie
  Sent: Monday, July 27, 2009 12:08 PM
  To: Scott Dartanoin
  Subject: Access denied on my personal Yahoo Account

  Scott:
  Why would an email in my private yahoo account be blocked by our system?

  Carmilla Richie
  Senior Loan Officer
  crichie@mortgagematic.com

• _____________________________________________
  From: Scott Dartanoin
  Sent: Monday, July 27, 2009 12:09 PM
  To: Carmilla Richie
  Subject: RE: Access denied on my personal Yahoo Account

  Did you send this to yahoo or receive it from yahoo?

• _____________________________________________
  From: Carmilla Richie
  Sent: Monday, July 27, 2009 12:10 PM
  To: Scott Dartanoin
  Subject: RE: Access denied on my personal Yahoo Account

  It is a daily message that I get and it is blocked saying it is occult.

  Carmilla Richie
  Senior Loan Officer
  crichie@mortgagematic.com

You want to read the rest of ‘My Email Was Blocked!’ so CLICK HERE!

Riley, shown here completing a work schedule for a local family restaurant.

I’ve recently stumbled upon the design for a new weapon.     First, locate a crying toddler.     Second, pick up the toddler and hold him/her under your arm with the noisy end pointing toward your enemies.     Congratulations! You’ve assembled your very own Sob Cannon.     This surprising* weapon is capable of clearing public restrooms, busy shopping aisles and other public spaces.     It may be an effective form of self defense against obsequious wait-staff or commissioned salespeople as well, though I’ve yet to try it on anything more threatening than a timid waitress who apparently was immunized as a child. I found that in her case a stern glare was just as effective but deprived me of a much-needed coffee refill.

Unfortunately, it seems to have the opposite affect on my parents and other older relatives.

* Surprising in that no one expects a Sob Cannon attack. NO ONE.

    It’s not every day that one gets to write about a genuine miracle. As a skeptic, cynic, and general nonbeliever, it pains me to even admit that an actual, according-to-Hoyle, hand-of-God miracle might exist … But, I may have just found it. Read on in amazement:

    Yes, do you see it? Do you see!
    The Kraft corporation has apparently done the impossible. The Miracle Whip¹ you see before you proudly advertises two amazing and seemingly incompatible qualities: It is simultaneously “New & More Amazing” and “The Tangy Original.” At the same time! thereby making it the only blatantly self-contradictory sandwich ingredient I happen to be aware of.
    How did they achieve this? How did Kraft manage to create something that is both “new” and “the original” in one gooey, white substance? Obviously, such an amazing thing must be a well-guarded company secret, so we can only speculate.
    Perhaps Kraft has simply learned to exploit the ever-popular Schrödinger’s cat effect, where the relative newness/tangy-originalness is dependent on some reaction at the sub-sub-subatomic level, causing both possibilities to be equally true until someone observes the mayonnaise.² This may well be the very first example of a condiment marketed on the basis of quantum physics. However, we have to consider the fact that tasting the mayonnaise certainly counts as observing it, which would cause the Miracle Whip’s waveform to collapse, bringing a sudden, disappointing end to its inexplicacality right there in your mouth, which is where it would have really mattered, anyway.
    On the other hand, perhaps the Miracle Whip was made “New & More Amazing” simply by adding even more tangy originality. Thus, the levels of newness and originalness would be directly proportional to each other, but this does still leave us with one question: How did they increase both the amount of tangy originality and new & more amazingness … without increasing the size of the jar! This insinuates that a high degree of tangy originalness would have to be compressed down into a smaller unit. This might avoid increasing the volume, but it would certainly increase the mass of the mayonnaise and, by extension, its weight, which doesn’t seem to have happened.
    Which pretty much brings our conventional line of scientific reasoning to a dead end, leaving us with only one real conclusion: This Miracle Whip is, in fact, a miracle, bestowed onto the Kraft corporation by God Himself. Why does God favor Miracle Whip so? Why does He see fit to offer such blessings to the people at Kraft? I dare not presume to know the will of the Lord Almighty, but He certainly seems to be showing a great deal of support for His preferred sandwich spread.
    So, you should probably eat more Miracle Whip.

1. Yes, I eat Miracle Whip. And, yes, as a matter of fact I do prefer it to real mayonnaise. Screw you. [↩]
2. Yes, I called Miracle Whip mayonnaise. Come on, mayonnaise is a funny word. Cut me some slack. [↩]

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Improving Your IQ – If only it were that easy.

English Grammar Workbook For Dummies – I don’t honestly know how effective this will be, but it’s sorely needed.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Journaling – Preserve your dumbass thoughts for future generations.

Vocabulary for Dummies – Dummy vocabulary, hmm? Maybe it can help explain this “Git-r-done” I’ve been hearing so much about.

Poetry for Dummies – I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that most of these include the word “Nantucket.”

Etiquette for Dummies – While I don’t expect that a simple book is going to start making stupid people behave in a civilized fashion, I certainly applaud the attempt.

Research Papers for Dummies – Notice it doesn’t say “Writing Research Papers.” Perhaps it’s just a collection of reports the student can hand in as is.

Signing for Dummies – I know it’s really about sign language, but please … Just let me pretend it’s about signing your name.

Baby Signing For Dummies – Mr. Dummy! Mr. Dummy! Please sign my baby!

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Writing Poetry - I assume it describes the method where you run through the entire alphabet trying to find a word that rhymes properly … Aoperly … Boperly … Coperly … Dammit, this might take a while.

Screenwriting for Dummies – I think this book is probably solely to blame for the state of the motion picture industry, right now.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Clear Communication – Clear communication is important to learn. Because the typical idiot method of saying things like “Fruit bat canoe hop a speedy boat house” just isn’t gonna cut the mustard.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Web Animation – Yeah, only idiots make web anima … Wait …

Now! Even more accurate with Amazing Additions!

On the 4th of July in 1776 America declared independence from its oppressive colonial masters. The surviving humans of the North American slave colony of New Jersey discovered, with the help of Ben Franklin and the then time-traveling Theodore Roosevelt, the fatal weakness of our alien masters, the D’Aret Krang.      Ben Franklin’s research had revealed that the D’Aret Krang, a race of beings so genetically pure that they shared a single set of chromosomes, collectively suffered from a genetic propensity for epileptic seizures when exposed to bright, flashing lights. His rudimentary experimentation with electricity had failed to yield reproducible results, so Theodore Roosevelt was summoned from his time crypt once again to assist in finding a weaponizable source for blinky-blinkies.      Unfortunately, Theodore Roosevelt’s time-travel machine had only one seat and this, combined with Thomas Edison’s homophobic fear of sitting on the manly lap of the massive Roosevelt, led the rebels to conclude that Edison could not be a part of the solution this time. Without Edison there was scant technology available to the desperate slaves of the time to take advantage of the newly discovered weakness.      Fortunately Dolly Madison had an extensive collection of aesthetically pleasing incendiary devices gathered during her youthful journeys in the orient as a silk-trading ninja. A deployment of this technology was quickly organized by Paul Revere and El Quakerudo*, one which culminated in the simultaneous detonation of approximately 50 metric tons of saltpeter, gunpowder, and ‘fireworks.’      The D’Aret Krang fell as one to the ground in a jiggly, hooting mass of alien flesh. George Washington and Nathaniel Hawthorn led bands of men in dragging our quivering former-masters into the very space craft that brought us our hateful overlords. They then programmed the ships to dive into the sun and America celebrated as the fleet of invaders burnt itself to cinders in the heliosphere if our favorite star, Sol.      So join us in celebrating our victory, planet Earth! Thanks to our American forefathers (and a time-traveling Teddy) humans have been free to oppress themselves in peace ever since. FREEDOM IS OURS! -peace out. * Quakerudo is a musical group made up of youthful Quakers. As they discover their degenerate suxuality** they are replaced with fresh-faced and prepubescent replacements. There are always more fresh-faced and prepubescent replacements… ** I know what I said.

It’s over at Davecat’s place and it’s better than the movie. Even if you are somehow unable to enjoy his prose, you’ll have to admit that reading it took less money and time than watching this awful movie would.     I have not, nor will I voluntarily, watch TF:ROTFL*, but I did watch the first Bayformers movie and concluded that it was offensive to what passes for my intellect.

I’m actually quite surprised Davecat went to see the sequel in the theatre, as I couldn’t imagine a universe in which he could find that movie acceptable on any level other than ‘useful adjunct to an effective mental torture regime for purposes of extracting information from or inducing Stockholm Syndrome in hostile prisoners.’     Lord help me, I almost typed “prehensile prisoners”     The real tragedy? Both these movies were so obscenely lucrative that there will inevitably be at least one more theatrical sequel and then a series of straight-to-DVD movies and possibly a goddamn Christmas special.

* TransFormers: Revenge of the Fallen… Laughing?