Apparent Ritual Killing of Steve and Barry’s Survivor
 |
|
Strapped to the carapace of a decapitated Michigan Blinker, the death of this lone survivor of a local Steve and Barry’s wobble seems to have been part of a cult ritual of some kind. Many primitive cultures believe that they can absorb the strengths and skills of shopping carts through bizarre rites and practices that often leave carts dead or, in some cases, sterilized and unable to enjoy sex. As the local Steve and Barry’s closed their doors forever, the far-ranging hunter carts were permanently cut off from their wobbles. Oftentimes, these fierce hunters can fend for themselves for a time. But even tenacious fighters such as this one eventually need to sleep, and without the protection of his wobble that is most likely when this fellow was taken by his eventual killers. I personally hope his end was quick, and perhaps he never even awoke to find himself in such an unnatural position. An upside down cart is a frightened cart, akin to you or I in a straight jacket; worse, their circulatory system is not built to work properly upside down and prolonged exposure to such a harsh stress position can cause acute castoroma*, the squeaks**, rotational abruptness, blindness and catatonic vomiting. While there is currently no law against the cruel treatment of carts, there are any number of outreach campaigns that seek to increase public awareness of their plight. Write your local congressman or seek out a local chapter of a preservation league such as Cart Fanciers or Pull Left. |
* casteroma is an oncological condition where lumps of chewing gum build up on the surface of the wheels. If allowed to metastasize, the castor may completely freeze up, which results in the always-fatal “drags”.
** the squeaks is a disease of the axels where an afflicted cart generates a harsh squeaking noise which increases in volume as he or she increases pace. As this usually alerts prey to their presence, it dooms the cart to a slow death by starvation.
I remember the last time you covered this topic, you said you were guilty of shopping cart abuse at one point in your life, but thankfully, you’ve reformed. Have you ever considered adopting a baby shopping cart to make amends?
http://nexus404.com/Blog/2007/09/24/curious-mini-shopping-cart-models-collectable-probably/
I’d get one, but the Missus says that once it grows up, it’d take up too much space, and our apartment doesn’t allow pets, at any rate. But think of the fun you and your family could have with a cart of your very own!
I absorbed the strengths and skills of a shopping cart once. Now I am extremely virile but veer uncontrollably left.
That’s tragic. He was all geared up for retirement and everything.
DC: Those are SOOO cute! Makes me want to filthy up a Barbie and make a little U.B.M.
Rich: Could be worse, you could have squeaky ankles or wobbly genitals.
Arth: No, you don’t get to just drop by and post a comment like you’ve not been missing for a friggin’ year. Where have you been?
Man, if I had a good explanation, I’d totally give it to you. Honestly, I don’t even remember what the devil I was doing that apparently distracted me so much, but I got completely out of the habit of making the usual rounds about blogland.
What if I just say coma? That sounds better than me just being a lazy sod. Yes, I was in a coma. And now that I’m awake I have special psychic powers! I sense that the inside of your refrigerator … is cold!
A coma it is!
And with your physcosizzler brain meats I’m sure you already know that I spent a better part of the year in thrall to a siren built from snow-plow eaten in-ground sprinkler parts collected by the neighborhood idiot in a Stop-N-Save shopping bag, during which time I pleasured myself exclusively with back issues of GameInformer magazine.
So…. you wanna post something for old times sake? Still got your password? I never took your name off the marquee.
Sure thing. Somewhere over the course of the past months I wound up with a grand total of four brief cartoons. Since I was, of course, in a coma, I can only assume that I unconsciously created them with my newfound mental abilities.
Actually, I already used the few scant moments I could spare between rounds of Punch-Out!! to post three of them to the Arthbard blog over the last couple of weeks, but shhh … Nobody here knows that.
Trackbacks