For those of you outside the USA, Thanksgiving is a holiday many people believe was instituted first by the so-called “Pilgrims,” who are more accurately called the “Pilsners,” a name that has since been solely associated with their egalitarian meal-replacement drink, “pilsner beer.”
On June 15th in the year 1215, the first batch of Pilsners stepped off their sole remaining ship the Lusitania onto the beach of Plymouth, in a territory the natives of that time called “Zeropercentfinansinga,” which means quite literally “Milk of the Bitch”.
There they met the Incan delegation of king Imhotep who extended the “Wreath of Solitude,” a halo of vegetation said to produce ennui and irritability–qualities indicative of holiness and/or royalty. Uncertain of the meaning of the gesture, and still quite disconsolate following the loss of the Lusitania’s twin Pilsner ship the HMS Edmond Fitzgerald, the Pilsner leader named Herbert Hoover used part of the wreath as kindling to light the hearth fires of his swiftly erected shanty town and consumed the rest as a sort of salad cooked entirely in the hollowed body cavity of a local game bird, the Turkey.
And while the long and bloody war this diplomatic faux pas created ultimately ended in the destruction of the Incan empire and the adoption of Puritanicism amongst the pagan Pilsners, that first meal was said to be quite a thing to behold as it worked its laxativatious magic on the exhausted and soon-to-be-evacuated Pilsners.
So from that day forth the god-fearing people of North America have celebrated Thanksgiving and today is the day.
Also, if you noticed my website was down last night, gee, thanks for calling me and telling me about it. Jerks. If you didn’t notice, well, you need to come around more often. Lastly, Arth! We need an article about the resurgence of the Dummies series! This time….with PROPS!
This was taken a few months ago by “Mad Matt,” an expert player of this game who operates mostly out of the remains of Universal Mall in Madison Heights. I finally tracked him down and got a copy yesterday.
I must say that my performance seemed much cooler in first-person perspective; third-person, not so much.
In case you are wondering, here’s the data on what you are watching:
Song: Psalm Pilot
Difficulty: Hard
Style: Doubles (using both sides of the pad)
Mods (changes to how the arrows appear on the screen):
2.5X (speed the arrows move)
Boomerang (arrows go down before going up)
Beat (arrows shake in time with the music)
Space (the arrows scroll like the intro to Star Wars)
Wave (arrows slow down slightly and then speed up right before they get to the top
Getting an appointment isn’t so hard for me. What’s a pain is that they double and triple-book the doctors so you get to spend quite a bit of time thumbing through old copies of Hightlights magazine on the way toward actualizing your insurance options.
Sincerely, SafeTinspector
Dear Davecat,
Dipping children in Barbicide isn’t nearly as good an idea as you might think.
Hope this letter finds you in good health,
Love, SafeTinspector
Dear Mom,
If you must know, I was killing the French Ambassador.
Lots of love,
your son, SafeTinspector
Dearest Lyvvie,
Apparently there is more than one variant of HFM, so I got two different versions of the bug. It is supposed to be kids-only, but yours truly is apparently susceptible to this particular illness. Comes from living healthy, I guess. How’s that phrase go?
“No ostensibly sensible act goes without punitive consequences being enforced?”
best wishes, SafeTinspector
My Most Esteemed friend, Veach,
In ‘05 I had a sinus infection during a trip to Houston. If you search my site for it you’ll get to see what you wanted.
Provided, of course, that what you are looking for are photos of pussy lumps on the roof of my mouth–and you are welcome to them.
-your friend, SafeTinspector
Foul sub-human, Rich:
Kindly supply me with all of the interim signs of impending zombie-hood. I’d like to turn it into a laminated index card.
Sweet Savanna,
I must confess it was pulled from the archives. Probably a year or two old. Neither I, the beard, nor the office I stand in are the same anymore. I now sport a sporting fu-manchu and live in a small temple on a secluded hillside where I battle a badger and a white wolf on a nightly basis for the fate of my very soul.
Despite all the talk, voter fraud didn’t apparently affect the election much.
If every voter registered by ACORN were actually dead, and every single shambling corpse cast its vote for Obama simply because his name was easier for decomposing mouths to utter than the tongue-sound rich “McCain”, there would still have been enough clinically live human voters to cinch the currently accepted result.*
This is a counter-intuitive phenomenon, especially considering the legions of patriotic war-dead that I was sure would vote Republican by absentee this time around.
I suppose we can blame their silence on McCain’s insistence on using matching public funds.
* Whoo! Now THAT was a long sentence. Sorry about that.
And much like when Herbie Hancock signed the Declaration of Independence on this day during the War of 1812, I shall scrawl my florid signature across whatever papers the state provides me with on this most blesses of holy days.
In the USA, where we take the days off of work to eat Turkey and to honor some guy who couldn’t tell the difference between Jamaica and Hyderabad, we steadfastly refuse to offer election day as a holiday.
Luckily, this year many people don’t have the added distraction that employment might bring to the proceedings.
Off I go, and wish me luck in my attempts to leverage the levered levers* of Democracy.
* Like a hedge fund without the hedges and where in the end I at least get a new sticker to wear.
** Think this posting needs a photograph? You lack imagination.
Despite all the talk, voter fraud didn’t apparently affect the election much. 
