My Animal Picks
Here is a list of animals I wish I could have as pets.
1 – Llama
Llamas have the prettiest eyes of any quadruped, bar-none. No one can deny this. Plus they have lips like fingers and therefore can play the banjo if properly trained and so inclined.
Lastly, their poop is a fairly inoffensive collection of pebbles–much like rabbit droppings–and they naturally attempt to poop in the same spot each time, making for easy clean-up.
I could keep him in my back yard. Whenever I feel blue, I could go stare into his languid eyes and slowly draw my grandmother’s silver, filigreed brush through his luxurious hair.
2 – Goat
Goats have sideways pupils, are surefooted, are not picky eaters, and are usually very friendly if raised from a kid. They sound like Fran Dresher, which makes me think of Spinal Tap whenever I feed one of them; this is a happy memory for me and one which I can only reproduce by remaining in close proximity to a goat.
I don’t like sheep, however. Their coats are messy to deal with and they attract cartoon wolves.
A goat could live in my garage, and I’d feed him only the best kitchen waste in return for his undying love and gratuitous bleating.
3 – Bat
I don’t want a vampire foxbat. I want one of the little, cute kind of bats we get in Michigan. Bug eating fellows what can comfortably fit in a lady’s brassier, I would keep mine in my car. His glove-compartment guano could provide me with the saltpeter I so desperately need as well as a bug-free car interior. Someone once told me that bats all turn left as they leave the cave; in my mind this makes them natural NASCAR fans. I won’t hold this against them*.
4 Chicken
So stupid that they’ll be fooled into tasting the same inedible limestone pebble multiple times in a row, a chicken is nature’s Rob Schneider**. I would like to train one to fall asleep in my lap while I watch television, and to possibly steal Cheetos and corn chips from me.
* Can’t be much worse than a relatively colossal breast. Imagine a boob the size of a house. Now imagine you are strapped against it with a couple dozen square yards of premium sail-cloth. Depending on what you’re into I think it might be more traumatic than being publicly slandared as a NASCAR fan.
** Admit it, when you think of Herr Schneider your mind centers immediately on the cloaca.
Mooncars Aunty has Llamas, they spit, and never into a spittoon no matter how many times I foxy-box them for their lack of manners. This drops them down to at least 5th on my list.
PS. You can hypnotise a chicken by drawing a white line and place it’s beak on the line while patting it. If you had white lines down your pants you watch TV with one in your lap with no fear of Rob Schneider stealing your Cheetos.
Goats’ eyes have always freaked me out, as they are living proof of the manifestation of Satan Himself on Earth. However, they often have beards like very pious men, so it all evens out.
If you like the llama, perhaps would you consider an alpaca or a vicuna? When it gets chilly out, you can wear them.
And chickens are awfully stupid, but it’s fun to manipulate their stupidity to your own ends. Much like people! For instance, it’s pretty easy to put a chicken to sleep, apparently (not forever, just a nap). You could probably do the same with Rob Schneider (forever).
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to imagine myself lashed to a boob the size of a house for a while. I may be several minutes.
Rich: I’ve only met a few Llamas, usually in petting zoos and whatnot, and they’ve never expectorated in my direction. But perhaps they had their salivary glands removed for marketing reasons (the only reason for elective surgery that the Lutheran church endorses). Since I probably won’t ever have a real Llama anyway, I’ll just pretend the problem doesn’t exist.
Davecat:Thinking on the house-sized breast again, I am only now reminded of the 1970′s Woody Allen movie, “Everything You Wanted to Ask About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)”
In it, there is a house-sized breast which terrorizes the world or city or something. I think, in the end, that it explodes. Not sure. I say the movie on cable as a child too young to really understand the film.
Had chickens before and they are a lot of fun. Especially when you throw in one bacon rind and watch the ensuing mayhem. Mine however must have been crossed wit vampire bats at some point as they were blood thirsty mongrels who would kill and intimidate fellow avian creatures.
I say go with the Llama.
Chickens are great for getting rid of bugs! Bats are very cute. And goats are hungry hungry animals. Smarter than sheep, too.
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