SlashDot informed me that a new search engine which searches based on graphic input, as opposed to text input, is now in beta.
    One can only assume that the rest of the article tells how TinEye will help the illiterate masses browse the internet without having to assemble ‘letters’ into ‘words.’
    I’m not actually sure, though; I grew so excited that I recklessly pounded the first link out of that article without reading past the first sentance. I almost never regret that sort of clicky impetuousness… well, except for the time I got Rick Rolled and ended up spending the next three hours screaming incoherently from a fetal position, cuddling my kitchen mop and flashing back to that summer of ‘87 spent portering at Dunkin’ Donuts.
    Time to make the donuts my ass. That Bulgarian Nazi of a store manager continuously muttered threatening imprecations with the voice of a helium bath and I still hear his cruel, squealing laughter every time I catch myself entertaining antisemitic thoughts.

    For once, Dunkin’ Donuts prevented a young man from becoming a white-supremacist.

    Anyway, upon landing at the promised TinEye website, I was prompted to either upload or paste in the URL of an image for the search to begin.
    First, if this is supposed to help the illiterate masses browse the web without typing, they should have a sketch-pad or Flash-based paintbrush type application instead an upload button and a text box. How many illiterate masses do you know that have an inkling of what a ‘URL’ is, let alone might know where to find an actual image file on their virus riddled hard drive to ‘Upload’?
    Secondly, shouldn’t the instructions for the site be entirely in anagrams or mime-speak? TinEye’s ridiculously complex interface features nothing but confusing sentences and an alarming number of polysyllabic words and phrases.

    I determined to continue with the test anyway. I loaded up Gimp* and quickly doodled me up a set of boobies and a jaunty thumbs-up. For good measure, I added some radial lines to indicate that both the thumb and the breasts were wiggling and I then proceeded to upload this carefully crafted request for topless porn into TinEye.

    For comparison, let me first tell you that a similarly structured, old-fashioned text request entered into Google such as, “naked breasts, thumbs up!” yielded no less than 2,270,000 results. TinEye took one look at my pictogram and told me that there were zero results. Either my boobies were unconvincing–you be the judge on that one, gentles–or TinEye isn’t worth the money it costs to use it.
    But even if my breasts aren’t very good–a matter I consider by no means decided!–I’m still certain they match the quality of output you can reasonably expect from the pornographic doodles of the illiterate masses. So if johnny-no-words tries to get at his sweet breasty porn by sketching his desires into TinEye he can just forget about it. Back to the lingerie section of the J.C.Penny catalog, Johnny. If you squint real hard those panty-hose will look enough like bare flesh to get the job done. That’s a tip from your old uncle Joe.

    For a final test I figured I’d look for some violent candy, the sadistic consumption of which is another of my hobbies. Instead of a sloppy doodle, however, I selected a photograph I took several years ago of a Gummi bear impaled with a piece of broken drinking glass**. After uploading it TinEye did NOT give me the list of violent comestibles I was looking for. Instead, it showed me the same picture twice. And there must’ve been some malfunction, because while this is my private photo which I took myself on my kitchen counter none of the referenced web sites belonged to me!
    One of which, http://www.marketasuchanova.estranky.cz/stranka/gumaci, seemed to be a compilation of Gummi Bears In Distress. Entertaining, but not satisfying.

    Ultimately, if you are looking for a web site that will help you search the web without the inconvenience of letters and thinkery, don’t look to TinEye to help you. The best you might get is a list of places on the internet from which you can get another copy of the picture you already have.
    Since this seems redundant at best, SafeTinspector gives TinEye the StinkEye, and that’s what.

* you may safely substitute ‘paintbrush’ if you are a member of the illiterate masses and not as hoity toi as I.
** Shanks the Bear