Archive for August, 2008
Changes…
Posted on August 28, 2008
SafeTinspector is getting a slow facelift.
It will look a bit more familiar to long-time readers, as I’m drawing the Midnight Rainforest theme closer to the SafeTinspector modified Thisaway theme I used in my blogspot days.
Please bear with me if there’s any wierdness in the meantime.
Return of Dumb Idiot Books
Posted on August 20, 2008
books, dummie books, idiot books
Walt Disney World and Orlando For Dummies - Because it’s vitally important to know whether you should get on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride first or wait until you’ve already done Pirates of the Caribbean.
Entertaining for Dummies - This may not actually be the subject of the book. It may just be a description.
Bookselling for Dummies - I’d say if you describe your book as “Entertaining for Dummies,” you’re bound to sell a few copies here and there.
Customer Service For Dummies - Yeah … I’ve had this experience before.
Writing Children’s Books for Dummies - The main reason I tend to prefer the “Dummy” books over the “Idiot” ones is the slight vagueness of wording in the titles. In this case, for example … Are dummies writing books for children or does the term refer to the children who will be reading them? It’s like a deeply philosophical question for those who are neither deep nor philosophical.
Marketing for Dummies - Again, I don’t quite know if this is marketing by dummies or marketing to dummies, but either one sounds about right to me.
Selling for Dummies - See Marketing.
Bartending For Dummies - See Selling.
Writing a Romance Novel for Dummies - See Bartending.
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Writing Erotic Romance - Dummies write romance. Idiots write erotic romance. This is a key distinction.
Housetraining for Dummies - Good. ‘Cause I hate non-housetrained dummies.
Potty Training for Dummies - See housetraining.
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes - Jokes should only be constructed of the finest materials, including but not limited to creative puns, pop culture references, and social satire. But, if all else fails, just make a fart noise with your mouth. Thhhbbbttt!
TinEye Completely Useless in Fight For Acceptible Illiteracy
Posted on August 18, 2008
internet culture, search engines
SlashDot informed me that a new search engine which searches based on graphic input, as opposed to text input, is now in beta.
One can only assume that the rest of the article tells how TinEye will help the illiterate masses browse the internet without having to assemble ‘letters’ into ‘words.’
I’m not actually sure, though; I grew so excited that I recklessly pounded the first link out of that article without reading past the first sentance. I almost never regret that sort of clicky impetuousness… well, except for the time I got Rick Rolled and ended up spending the next three hours screaming incoherently from a fetal position, cuddling my kitchen mop and flashing back to that summer of ‘87 spent portering at Dunkin’ Donuts.
Time to make the donuts my ass. That Bulgarian Nazi of a store manager continuously muttered threatening imprecations with the voice of a helium bath and I still hear his cruel, squealing laughter every time I catch myself entertaining antisemitic thoughts.
For once, Dunkin’ Donuts prevented a young man from becoming a white-supremacist.
Anyway, upon landing at the promised TinEye website, I was prompted to either upload or paste in the URL of an image for the search to begin.
First, if this is supposed to help the illiterate masses browse the web without typing, they should have a sketch-pad or Flash-based paintbrush type application instead an upload button and a text box. How many illiterate masses do you know that have an inkling of what a ‘URL’ is, let alone might know where to find an actual image file on their virus riddled hard drive to ‘Upload’?
Secondly, shouldn’t the instructions for the site be entirely in anagrams or mime-speak? TinEye’s ridiculously complex interface features nothing but confusing sentences and an alarming number of polysyllabic words and phrases.
I determined to continue with the test anyway. I loaded up Gimp* and quickly doodled me up a set of boobies and a jaunty thumbs-up. For good measure, I added some radial lines to indicate that both the thumb and the breasts were wiggling and I then proceeded to upload this carefully crafted request for topless porn into TinEye.
For comparison, let me first tell you that a similarly structured, old-fashioned text request entered into Google such as, “naked breasts, thumbs up!” yielded no less than 2,270,000 results. TinEye took one look at my pictogram and told me that there were zero results. Either my boobies were unconvincing–you be the judge on that one, gentles–or TinEye isn’t worth the money it costs to use it.
But even if my breasts aren’t very good–a matter I consider by no means decided!–I’m still certain they match the quality of output you can reasonably expect from the pornographic doodles of the illiterate masses. So if johnny-no-words tries to get at his sweet breasty porn by sketching his desires into TinEye he can just forget about it. Back to the lingerie section of the J.C.Penny catalog, Johnny. If you squint real hard those panty-hose will look enough like bare flesh to get the job done. That’s a tip from your old uncle Joe.
For a final test I figured I’d look for some violent candy, the sadistic consumption of which is another of my hobbies. Instead of a sloppy doodle, however, I selected a photograph I took several years ago of a Gummi bear impaled with a piece of broken drinking glass**. After uploading it TinEye did NOT give me the list of violent comestibles I was looking for. Instead, it showed me the same picture twice. And there must’ve been some malfunction, because while this is my private photo which I took myself on my kitchen counter none of the referenced web sites belonged to me!
One of which, http://www.marketasuchanova.estranky.cz/stranka/gumaci, seemed to be a compilation of Gummi Bears In Distress. Entertaining, but not satisfying.
Ultimately, if you are looking for a web site that will help you search the web without the inconvenience of letters and thinkery, don’t look to TinEye to help you. The best you might get is a list of places on the internet from which you can get another copy of the picture you already have.
Since this seems redundant at best, SafeTinspector gives TinEye the StinkEye, and that’s what.
* you may safely substitute ‘paintbrush’ if you are a member of the illiterate masses and not as hoity toi as I.
** Shanks the Bear
An Offer You Can’t Understand
Posted on August 17, 2008
(scroll down)
Oh good! I’ll have to stop in later.
SYTYCD, Season Finale, the Boneless Poppers and Mixed Fillers
Posted on August 7, 2008
So You Think You Can Dance, sytycd
Cat started off the show with a stat-dump before sending us through the opening credits to catch up with the reunited top twenty, assembled into their original couples, do the dance-in.
As I watch them prance about I find myself sadly wondering: Am I the only one who can’t remember some of these peoples?
Cat’s flapper-hippie dress looked like it had been attacked by a bedazzler. If I could only forget the last time that happened to me.
Lo and behold, a big pile of judges are crammed behind the table including my new fav, Li’l C. Mia’s hair, an Annie Lennox affair, seemed quite cool.
So lets talk about the dancing and the amazing assortment of mixed fillers, including a pop-off and Nauseating CG Bear Happy Dance Time…
