In somewhat of a surprise at the top of the show it was revealed that not only had Jessica been suffering from an undiagnosed case of broken ribs but that consequently the show is bringing Comfort back regardless of last week’s elimination. Last Thursday it had already been announced that Comfort was going on the tour despite her elimination, and I wonder if that announcement was related to this Jessica situation at all?

Also, it was noteworthy that the guest judge’s chair was filled by “crump” expert Li’l C. I hate crump. I wish there were no crumping anywhere on Earth at any time; its absence would make the world a happier place. That said, Li’l C’s gift for metaphor and instinctive grasp of dance without necessarily any technical expertise outside his field led to some of very entertaining critiques.

Dances

Joshua and Courtney
    Hip-Hop
    Danced to “Skippin,” by Mario.
Choreographed by Dave Scott, this number had Courtney taking on the role of sexy-undead-thing to Joshua’s lusty necrophiliac Dr. Frankenstein.
Through judicious use of frills, wardrove made Courtney look very well endowed indeed. I had to re-watch it once just to make sure there weren’t prosthetic boobies in there someplace.
The closing electric kiss was a nice effect, helping cement the routine as a memorable piece of theatrics while simultaneously being a forgettable dance.
Afterwards, the judges gave Courtney the asterisk*. You know, the one that leads to the footnote “-for a girl dancing outside her genre.” And while the judges were probably right in calling Courtney out on an aborted move, my wife observed that Courtney’s shoe looked like it stuck in that turn…providing a bit of mitigation, right?

    Rumba
    Danced to “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias (oh, f**k! another overplayed and overwrought pop-ballad. I hate Jean-Marc’s music choices.)
Jean-Marc, king of the schmaltzy and the melodramatic, positioned this as a romance between a girl and her ‘hero.’
Aside from the horrible, horrible music choice, the dance was pretty good, although it seemed like a slow motion version of the Samba from a few weeks ago that made everyone notice Josh–or at least Josh’s hips.
At the end, Josh did a nipple tease followed by an amusing observation regarding Twitch and Will’s tendency to dance nearly naked. Of course, those guys are cut like Jesus…

Kherrington and Mark
    Two Step
    Danced to “Kick Back,” by Ty England
Choreographed by Ronnie and the gravid Brandy, this first-ever SYTYCD two-step was very turnie-turnie.
Either the two step sucks or they don’t know how to do it right, and I kinda think the answer is a little of both.
Mark, looking very awkward in his boots, stopped moving whenever he didn’t have an actual step to do, and many misses flew past in a flurry of near-failure.
Lil C spotted mistakes despite having no interest of knowledge of this very honkiest of honky honky-tonk dancing.
Then Mary mentioned that the Two-Step was like the dreaded Quick-Step but more arm than foot oriented. Funny, that: I thought throughout the piece that it seemed to be going about as well as the average quickstep on SYTYCD does.

    Jazz
    Dance to “Canned Heat,” by Jamiroquai
Tyce Diorio crafted a number which, oddly for him, had NO story! None of his typical “you are a butterfly and he’s a net” or “he’s a beer keg on the beach and you are a lost seagull feather” wierdness.
Perhaps Tyce is ill this week, but I can’t say I’m unhappy that his bizarre vignettes failed to appear this week.
The dance itself seemed a preternaturally slow and uninspired disco-jazz. I wish it WERE a full-on disco, as those are typically entertaining on this show…
Without even a generic romantic story to base his performance off of, Mark was free to be a bit more of his fruity self, which was interesting, but didn’t succeed in getting a memorable performance out of the couple.
Nigel’s critique, that the dance seemed more of a compulsory exercise than a legitimate dance number, really should be directed at Tyce, who specifically intended the piece to have no story or relationship. I don’t know what this couple who have no history together could pull out with no direction like that.

Comfort and Twitch
    Smooth Waltz
    Danced to “Open Arms,” by Journey
Hunter Johnson put this one together, which was a waltz for two people who have no business waltzing. The results were predictable. A dearth of dips. And they were helped not-at-all by the crusty classic rock staple they were forced to writhe to. I somehow doubt either of these slick urban operators have a Journey’s Greatest Hits CD in their collection.
When it comes down to it, this kind of dance needs at least one formally trained dancer to make it work, and they didn’t have that. Even Li’l C noticed it was far clunkier than it should’ve been.
And, well.. Comfort is damaged goods. There, I said it. Bad shoulder, slightly bad attitude, and I don’t think even her hip-hop is all that good.
She may have gotten a one-week reprieve, but she’ll be on her way tomorrow night, I hope.

    Hip Hop
    Danced to “Forever,” by Chris Brown
The choreographer, Dave Scott, envisioned this as “Studio 54 in the year 2084.” So in 2084 clothes will be based entirely on costumes from the low-budget science-fiction show Cleopatra 2020? Good to know what I should be packing in my time machine’s carry-on baggage.
This dance was far better than the horrible “waltz” the couple failed at earlier in the evening, with many complicated and intertwining movements done both in unison and in counterpoint. And while the judges were at pains to praise Comfort* (who got the ASTERISK, despite this ostensibly being her genre), I still think Twitch completely stole this number. Play it back and just watch the faces of these two and you can see how much better a performer Twitch is than Comfort.
Buck alert! Li’l C used the “B” word and then took the time to define it. Far from being a shortened version of “Buck-wild,” the word “Buck” is now to be defined as the moment “when internal artistry meets physical expression.”
I don’t know if that’s what will go into the next Webster’s, but regardless of this new definition I still hate the word. It must bucking die.
Ah, Christ, Mary said “buck,” too!

Katee and Will
    Broadway
    Danced to “Don’t Rock the Boat,” from Guys And Dolls.
Tyce Diorio’s routine was a “Dharma and Greg” affair with Will playing a conservative nerd and Katee playing a promiscuous ditz. While this was better than Tyce’s usual “He’s a tax accountant and she is his loving pencil sharpener” sort of schtick, the routine featured an elaborate boat prop which made no sense in context except as a metaphor and a nod to the lyrics. A throw-away piece, to be sure. Especially when compared to their next performance.
Li’l C loved it, as did Mary who always seems a bit unabashedly biased when it comes to Will.

    Padidar(sp?)
    Danced to “Imagine,” by David Archuletta (we’ll get to this in a moment)
I’m a ignorant philistine, so I am still not sure what sort of dance this was. Pardidar? Por De Dor? Pear Di Daar?
Choreographed by Desmond Richardson & Dwight Roden, this piece was amazing to watch, even if Katee did bump her head on Will’s arm awkwardly in the middle.
It was like a game of twister mixed with a ballet. The way Katee flung herself into the moves and positions makes me wonder if Katee would ALWAYS have been the only woman that could keep up with this man.
I only wish the musical choice wasn’t such a masturbatory cross-over moment for Nigel. When I realized it was David Archuletta I whispered to myself, WHAT?!? NO!!! followed by why the hell did this number stop in the middle like that? “Sharing for the WOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLDD….-silence-” Pfagh!

Chelsie and Gev
    Contemporary
    Danced to “These Arms of Mine,” by Otis Redding
Sonya Tayeh, who apparently can NOT stop the mohawk, arranged this dance to the oldest song of the night (not counting the covers, natch).
Whoda think the monster mohawk gal would choreograph to this old saw?
It was… interesting. I mean, upside down on invisible bikes? The performance was intentionally stuttery, with a lot of awkwardness. I know that Sonya said it was about soulmates, but it seemed more like drunken or possibly inexperienced lovers. Seemed pretty honest.

    Jive
    Danced to “The House is Rocking,” by Brian Setzer
Jean-Mark was actually more entertaining during the lead-in video package than I have ever seen him. So the jive is like working a sewing machine (what, a pedal-operated model? How old are you, man?) or is like trying to kick poop off your foot on a country road. I like that last analogy best, I think.
And, of course, the dance was performed to another old-ass music choice, albeit a newer cover. Of course, nothing Brian Setzer ever does can be described as a modernizing influence, so you might as well consider the piece remastered more than covered.
So while Gev’s feet sometimes seemed to just stop at times, there was a lot of energy and it seemed to work out alright–expecially for Chelsie. Li’l C spotted a truth in that Chelsie was the dominating force in this routine. Mary then damned Gev* with faint praise by comparing him to the “stars” in “dancing with the stars”. Yeah, Gev got the asterisk!

Solos

Twitch
    Danced to “I Question Mark,” by Wade Robson
I miss Wade. WIll he come back to choreograph this year? In any case, Twitch’s solo was typical in that it was very cool.Its fun to compare this to Comfort’s routine, and it saves the world one dance floor at a time.

Will
    Danced to “Dance With My Father,” by Luther Vandross
Another technically flawless Will performance that will do nothing but earn disregard from the jaded audience, who are sick of hearing how incredible this man is.

Chelsie
    Danced to “Pon De Replay” by Rihanna
Like a 1960’s strip teast done by a blue feather duster.

Gev
    Danced to “Hollo/goodby (uncool)”, by Lupe FIasco (featuring uncle)
And the award for Most Creative use of a Shirt in a Hip-Hop routine goes to…

Courtney
    Danced to “I want you to need me,” by Celine Dion
Cute, but boring. Plus Celine Dion makes my trigger finger itch.

Mark
    Danced to “Bohemian Rhapsody,” by Queen
I think he did an extended version of this dance during Vegas week, but I must say I enjoy the comedic-contempo thing he has going on. Only Gev’s performance is better so far tonight.

Comfort
    Danced to “Need A Boss,” by Shareefa (featuring Ludacris)
Better than last weeks–which everyone but me loved– but still a lot less athletic than I expect from a hip-hop routine by a supposed “expert.” Compare this to Twitch, Gev or even Joshua’s routine.

Katee
    Danced to “The Woman’s Work (MTV Unplugged)”, by Maxwell
Pretty, but all the contempo girl solos tonight are kinda flowing together, especially since they all have these baby-doll outfits. As an aside: I don’t remember any R&B acts on MTV unplugged! Interesting!

Kherrington
    Danced to “Breakin’ Dishes,” by Rihanna (Rihanna gets two tracks played tonight!)
Butt-tastic solo! I mean, REALLY butt-tastic! Its hard to think about anything except those little black shorts…. so I guess the solo was…good?

Joshua
    Danced to “Jam,” by Micheal Jackson
Energetic and acrobatic at times, it seemed to lack a flow from trick to trick, with clunkier setups than I expect from this graceful dude. Also, a lot of the filler stuff is very familiar to anyone who watched his tryouts. All-in-all, I have to say that Gev and Twitch both did far better in their similar-genred solos. A Micheal Jackson number I’ve never heard of? Now I want to peek into Joshua’s iPod playlist…

Thoughts on the judges

Nigel went out of his way to praise Desmond Richardson as “one of the greatest modern ballet/contemporary dancers alive today” (the slash was palpable! What linguistic skill!) and then spun a Muppet Show anecdote.

Li’l C’s gift for metaphor and instinctive grasp of dance without necessarily any technical expertise outside his field led to some of the very entertaining critiques.
Buck alert! Li’l C used the “B” word and then took the time to define it. Far from being a shortened version of “Buck-wild,” the word “Buck” is now to be defined as the moment “when internal artistry meets physical expression.”
I don’t know if that’s what will go into the next Webster’s, but regardless of this new definition I still hate the word. It must bucking die.
Mary really likes Will. I mean, REALLY likes Will.

Things that should just STOP

The “stack of hats” look: Many of the men involved in the hip-hop genre seem to have a tower of hats on during the video packages. Like many urban styles, I just don’t get it. Why would you want to look like you are a cone-head?

Baby doll dresses: Girls with nice figures should wear clothes that feature a waist and which aren’t producing some faux regressive look. Women are women, not children.

Buck: I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to think about it unless we’re talking about involuntary reactions or rodeos.

Commercial observations

The NuvaRing seems really dangerous from its extensive list of possible side-effects. And if it’s a hormonal birth control method then certainly there’s a better place to put it than the hootchie?

Brooke Shields brushing her teeth… surprisingly uninteresting and unnecessary in a whitening tooth-paste commercial. I think we understand the application method, Brooke.

* For a girl dancing outside her genre