I’ve decided to write about the only “reality” competition show I’ve ever really liked and here we go.*

Mark and Chelsie
    Salsa
    Danced to “Fuego,” by Joe Bataan: very old fashioned sounding number, appropriate to the dance but nothing to write home about.
This couple, whom I’ve taken to thinking of “Dude with Crooked Pinkies” and “Blonde I’m Sick of Hearing Described as Tom-Boy” started with a salsa number that was completely forgettable, especially since I can’t get Joshua and Katie’s samba from last week out of my head. I found their lead-up video package the best of the night, however, as Mark and Chelsie behaved more realistically than what I’m used to in the typically hammy rehearsal footage. Mark’s exasperated “uhh! you guys make it look so easy” after watching Alex and his partner demonstrate a particular move seemed very genuine and human.

    Broadway
    Danced to “I’m a Woman,” from Smokey Joe’s Cafe original cast recording: Appropo of nothing, this song always reminds me of this Enjoli ad from my youth: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4X4MwbVf5OA …the eight HOUR PERFUME?
This second number was a Tyce routine the judges liked alot but which I found a bit boring, even though Mark has been the best at passing for straight while dancing amongst the obviously homosexual men this year.

Thayne and Comfort
    Hip-hop
    Danced to “Can we Chill,” by Ne Yo: Less annoying than the average Ne Yo piece, and it fit the dance which looked for all the world like a Janet Jackson 1980’s music video.
This was a Tabitha and Napolean hip-hop number and it showed how difficult it is for gay boys to convincingly perform romantic numbers opposite women. Little hint for you, guys: when you hear “lack of chemistry” from the judges it is code for “you need to do a better job of pretending you are straight and that you are attracted to the incredibly hot girl you are dancing with.”
This was a problem most of this season’s already-eliminated men have suffered from, really.

    Contemporary
    Danced to “A Different Corner,” by George Micheal: I was unfamiliar with this song, and I’ve already forgotten it. But it did remind me of when George showed up at the American Idol finals in old-lady owl-specs he must’ve borrowed from Elton John.
They later performed a contemporary routine which I only found memorable for the amount of time Comfort spent on the ground. She looked nice, though. Damning the couple with faint praise, the judges all made pains to say they liked the choreography, if not the performance. It was at this time of the show that I realized that I hated Mia’s hat.

Will (and Jessica)
    Contemporary
    Danced to “Silence,” from the Unfaithful soundtrack: This song reminded me of a mix between Enya and some of the breathy stuff from the Orlando movie soundtrack. Not very rhythmic, but that fits the dirty game of twister that made up this weird routine.
Can there be a dancer more praised than Will? Will (and Jessica)*** performed a pretty erotic set of athletic poses strung together to some ambient music. While the judges were convinced this was dance, I remained skeptical though aroused.

    Quickstep
    Danced to “Bandstand Boogie,” by Barry Manilow: Only Bill Haley’s “Rock Around the Clock” could have been a more boring musical choice.
This second routine was a typically awful quickstep. After watching this show for four years I’m certain that I’d hate the quickstep even if it were being performed by experts in the genre. Bounce-bounce-bounce! I’d rather watch Morris dancing. Luckily for people that find WIll annoyingly overrated, he and Jessica produced decidedly mediocre results and were called out for it by Nigel and company. It was refreshing, however, to see WIll with a shirt on for once.

Courtney and Gev
    Cha-Cha
    Danced to “Don’t Stop the Music (Wideboys Club Mix),” by Rihanna: This club-song helped make this cha-cha seem like a disco. Which was good,because it sucked as a cha-cha.
Courtney and Gev, the Munchkinlander couple from the hilltops of Nepal**** danced this disco-ish cha-cha and got mixed reviews from the judges. Apparently Gev can’t swing his hips properly, but they seemed fine to my untrained eye.

    Broadway
    Danced to “Standing There,” by The Creatures: Very swanky and fun. Hey! I liked this one! Time to google…
Indiana Jones inspired silliness which I nonetheless enjoyed because I am a sucker for girls wearing practical outdoor clothing and Courtney made those khaki shorts look delicious. Like warm bread, really. Perhaps with some olive oil.

Twitch and Kherington
    Crump
    Danced(?) to “2 Buck 4 TV,” by Tha J Squad: AH! BUCK! GOD-DAMN THAT WORD!
Crump, people, crump. Twitch and Kherington did a “crump” routine. Perhaps its because I’m older than the target angry young demographic (though I feel plenty angry on the whole), or perhaps its because I’m not street enough. Or maybe its because I have a modicum of taste. Whatever the reason, I have never enjoyed ANY crump routine on this show.
A temper tantrum by my two year old is more interesting to watch, and at least as musical to listen to as “2 Buck 4 TV.”
A quarter through the lead-up to the crump routine I made a private resolution to take up cutting and to add a line to my arm every time the word “buck” was uttered by someone on the show. Its a good thing I have low will power and a complete inability to commit, because I’d likely have bled to death had I followed through.
The dance might’ve been ‘buck’, I really don’t know the definition well enough. But something tells me Buck isn’t supposed to mean “look angry and thrash around stupidly to annoying house music”.

    Tango
    Danced to “Assassins Tango,” from the Mr & Mrs. Smith soundtrack: I liked this, but don’t think I’d ever want to hear it a second time.
This second number had a lot of good lifts, but was otherwise boring and slow because of Twitch’s inability to carry off the intricate moves.

Katee and Joshua
    Waltz
    Danced to the interminable and ubiquitous “Iris,” by 90’s phenom The Goo Goo Dolls: Sing along with me, people: I don’t want the world to see me, ’cause I don’t think that they’d understand…” now go cry inside a little.
This couple are crowd favorites for a few good reasons. Even so, they got some harsh reviews for this first number, which was a waltz set to one of the most overplayed rock ballads of the late nineties and saddled with some ‘dancing with a ghost’ back-story that seemed unnecessary and unreflected in the choreography in any case. I think the harsh criticism was a bit unjustified, but I’m no ballroom expert. Joshua is an eye-magnet, a renaissance man of action and Katee is a wholly adequate partner for him.

    Ballywood
    Danced to “Dhoom Taana,” from the Om Shanti Om soundtrack: Stop it! I can’t understand you when you are singing like that! …seriously, what can I say? It was all fun and exotic-y
They finished up the show with a Ballywood routine(!). I enjoyed it tremendously, and I suppose it was pretty good, even though I have no idea what this genre is supposed to look like.
The judges seemed to have a collective orgasm at the mere presence of this imported dance style, even though I’m not entirely sure they were any more qualified than I am to say whether it was done well or not. In a noteworthy portion of the lead-in video package, the choreographer stressed that the “sleeping deer” could offend half the world if performed incorrectly. Perhaps this isn’t the right type of dance for light entertainment if it might cause an international incident.

Thoughts on the Judges
I used to think Mary was the most annoying judge on this show, but Mia has surpassed her in the hot-gas and irritating prattle department. My wife and I, through mutual agreement, took to fast-forwarding through her bullshit in self-defense.
With the exception of Mia’s admission that Tyce hangs out at her house (aww! the judges like each-other) I got nothing out of her except for crystal power and occasional bitchiness typified by the moment she told Will that he needs a new partner (because he’s so dreamy and deserves better, right? Phfah!)

Mary really liked Will and Jessica’s number. I mean, REALLY liked it. It is, apparently, the best dance number ever ever ever in the history of the world. I can’t argue, but not because I agree; no, its because you can’t argue rationally with irrational rhetoric.

After much effort adn strain Nigel courted a brain aneurysm and pooped his pants after the crump routine, which is probably the most logical reaction I can think of. That he followed this up by complimenting the dance is unfathomable to me.

Thoughts on the choreographers
Little C-crump: Buck? BUCK?!? BUUUUUUCCKKKK!!!!!!

Jean-Mark is my least favorite ball-room choreographer. Always seems to pile on unnecessary pathos and meaning to the rug-cutting and the result is usually just schmaltz. And… Iris by the Goo-goo dolls? sigh.

Tabitha and Napoleon are sweet! Their routines are usually enjoyable to watch and I really like when they sit at the judges table.

* Another phenomenal segue from SafeTinspector!
** Unless you, like me, line your briefs with a zip-lock sandwich bag.
*** Jessica will always be parenthetical due to the insane capabilities of her partner and, I think, dance-establishment ringer Will
**** Gev is an assimilated Kazakh, while Courtney is a clone of Valerie Bertinelli with the cute nob turned to 11.