Now! Even more accurate with Amazing Additions!

On the 4th of July in 1776 America declared independence from our oppressive colonial masters. The surviving humans of the North American slave colony of New Jersey discovered, with the help of Ben Franklin and the then time-traveling Theodore Roosevelt, the fatal weakness of our alien masters, the D’Aret Krang.

Ben Franklin research indicated that the D’Aret Krang, a race of beings so genetically pure that they shared a single set of chromosomes, collectively suffered from a genetic propensity for epileptic seizures when exposed to bright, flashing lights. His rudimentary experimentations with electricity had failed to yield reproducable results, so Theodore Roosevelt was summoned once again to assist in finding a source for blinky-blinkies.

Unfortunately, Theodore Roosevelt’s time-travel machine had only one seat and this, combined with Thomas Edison’s homophobic fear of sitting on the manly lap of the massive Roosevelt, led the rebels to conclude that Edison’s would not be a part of the solution this time. Without Edison there was scant technology available to the desperate slaves of the time to take advantage of the newly discovered weakness.

Fortunately Dolly Madison, through her youthful journeys in the orient as a Ronin, Ninja and silk-trader, had an extensive collection of aesthetically pleasing incendiary devices. A deployment of this technology was quickly organized by Paul Revere and El Quakerudo* which culminated in the simultaneous detonation of approximately 50 metric tons of saltpeter, gunpowder, and ‘fireworks.’

The D’Aret Krang fell as one to the ground in a jiggly, hooting mass of alien flesh. George Washington and Nathaniel Hawthorn led bands of men in dragging our quivering former-masters into the very space craft that brought us the hateful overlords. They then programmed the ships to dive into the sun and America celebrated as the fleet of invaders burnt itself to cinders in the heliosphere if our favorite star, Sol.

So join us in celebrating our victory, planet Earth! Thanks to our American forefathers (and a time-traveling Teddy) humans have been free to oppress themselves in peace ever since.

FREEDOM IS OURS! -peace out.

* Quakerudo is a musical group made up of youthful Quakers. As they discover their degenerate suxuality** they are replaced with fresh-faced and prepubescent replacements. There are always more…

** I know what I said.

    In the early nineteen-nineties I remember looking over my brother’s shoulder at a computer design periodical which featured some early images of the characters from Toy Story, including this disturbing doll-head-spider thing*. From that moment on I’ve been amazed by Pixar’s visual artistry.

    And, other than during the late nineties when they seemed in danger of becoming the “buddy picture” factory (see Toy Story 1 &2, Monsters Inc, and to a lesser extent, Finding Nemo), they have consistently surprised me with story choices that avoid the handful of approved Hollywood formulas normally seen in children’s fare.

    Wall-E is no exception. Consider this: an animated movie for which the first half hour takes place in a bleak, post-apocalyptic metropolis on a seemingly dead Earth which nonetheless manages to be light-hearted and delightful from the first frame. A movie with a robotic protagonist who only speaks a handful of nearly unintelligible words and yet manages to more effectively convey emotions than your average overpriced human star/starlet.

    I loved this movie, and while I don’t discount the possibility that I’m suffering from a cinematic infatuation, I am tentatively putting it in my top ten movies of all time**. Congrats, Pixar, you now have earned a place in the worlds least significant pantheon***.

    No, this isn’t a full review of the movie. Many many others have already done it and far better than I probably could. But there are things in this movie I want to talk about, and I have no one to talk to about it, so…

* This character is named “Babyface,” and is actually quite friendly. He/she/it is willing and able to reassemble you should you become unexpectedly dismembered.

**** Unless it gets turned into a ‘quirky’ small-town indie film in time for this year’s Sundance titled Unwrapped Hope