Archive for May, 2008
An Idiot on his Motorcycle
Posted on May 31, 2008
I snapped this picture with my cell phone while Heather was driving 65mph (104kph) on I94. This fellow passed us by while riding his bike at a rate of at least 70mph (112kph), doing a wheelie the entire time. He continued this wheelie for about three miles (about five kilometers).
Normally, I would not advocate this sort of behavior. The obvious downside of three-mile-long-wheelies at seventy miles per hour is that for remarkably little benefit one risks an accident which, at this speed, would present an almost certain death and an extremely embarrassing obituary.
Seriously, how exactly can one spin “death by self-inflicted idiocy” into a positive epigram?
Dick Richards, Age 23, died May 21:
Mercifully taken by fate before he could breed, proving that Darwin still has a weak hold on the eventual fate of humanity despite our best efforts to thwart him.
Was survived by his three idiot brothers who will hopefully die in similarly amusing circumstances before they can pass on their dubious genetic inheritance.
See? Every coffin has a silver lining*.
Which is why I wholeheartedly approve of this stunt, purely for its comedic potential. Sure, his motorcycle might do some flips and take out a family of orphans in a minivan heading to get adopted by rich, kind-hearted philanthropists and I guess that would paint a layer of thick pathos to the story. But I choose to assume that the only damage he would do to anybody else would by the trauma of seeing his pitifully wrecked corpse go tumbling by the family roadsters and their horrified occupants. If nothing else, it’ll give them something to talk about over the dinner table for a change.
* The Undertakers Society of Michigan saw to that. Look it up!
And This Baby’s FULLY Paid For
Posted on May 23, 2008
According to my lovely wife, Heather, we have paid the final payment to the birthing center where we exchanged her distended stomach and ~$10,000.00 for a small human named Riley.
The expensive, tiny, useless and quivering thing has slowly inflated with flesh and has been gaining new powers and abilities day by day. Above, you can see her kicking cute little shoes while bearing a glowing, wide open smile and twinkly little eyes. And now that she’s paid for–free and clear–I no longer feel a bitter edge of regret while fighting the urge to hug her and kiss her widdle cheeks.
MADD about GTA4
Posted on May 5, 2008
Grand Theft Auto IV (GTA4), a video game which is the media hype-machine’s latest darling, recently added a new outspoken group to its fairly long list of detractors: Mothers Against Drunk Driving (M.A.D.D.).
Here is an excerpt from the recent press release from Mothers Against Drunk Driving which deals with their perceived grievance:
Before I get to MADD’s ignorant condemnation, let me clear up what I meant when I stated that GTA4 is the media hype-machine’s latest darling. By saying it is their darling I am not saying that the media approves–or disapproves–of GTA4.
In the ratings driven, attention-hungry media universe a lot of mileage can be gained with controversy. By publicizing popular misconceptions or by taking legitimate truths out of context you can get a lot of eyeballs to stick around through your profitable commercials for fast-food, household cleaning products and beer.
You’ve probably heard breathless talking heads go on about how one can have sex with a prostitute and then kill her for money! Or that in the game you can take drugs! or you can drive drunk!
In the pressure to get content on the screen and rake in that Vagisil and McDonald’s cash, research and thoughtful reflection take a back seat to hyperbole and fear mongering.
I’m a 35 year old man who has played each of the previous GTA games and, while a couple of installments were not my cup of tea, I think I can help the well-intentioned but ignorant MADD mothers put the factoid they are reacting to in context.
Yes, ignorant women, you can drive drunk in GTA4, although it is by no means a “module”. GTA4 has no “modules”, it is instead a fluid and open-ended city which presents the player with many choices to make. This form of game is commonly known as a “sandbox” game because you can play pretend in it as long as you want without actually doing anything to the world outside the sandbox.
And you were also correct when you said that drunk driving is a choice and a crime–and this is true even in GTA4.
I drove drunk in GTA4.
I called my friend Roman to come drink with me at a bar. When we were done both I and Roman were staggeringly drunk, which made it very difficult to control my character as he bobbed and weaved on the sidewalk.
I pressed a button which caused my character to get behind the wheel of my current vehicle. As Roman climbed into the passenger side his slurred voice told me, “Niko, if you to drive drunk like this you are a bloody idiot!”
Hmm, MADD, I think Roman agrees with you. I ignored him and started driving down the road.
Well, I tried, anyway. The car was completely uncontrollable. It weaved from side to side, striking other cars and once running over a pedestrian. Almost immediately a police officer noted my inability to control my vehicle and began pursuing me, lights flashing. “Pull over!” the policeman commanded me, and I ignored him.
Within two minutes I’d totaled my car and had been apprehended by the police. Roman was in the hospital and I lost a bunch of money.
While I might’ve laughed a bit at my own folly, I don’t believe that anyone would go away thinking that, based on Niko’s experience of drunk driving, that driving drunk is a good idea.
In the specific case of MADD’s condemnation it seems that the organization believes the simple depiction of an activity constitutes an endorsement of the activity.
The belief that seeing drunk driving in a video game will cause our tabula rasa teenage scamps to run out, get drunk, and carjack their way to fame and fortune doesn’t give them enough credit. They just aren’t that stupid.
In the fifties there were congressional hearings investigating wether or not comic books caused kids to go bad. In the 70’s and 80’s it was heavy metal or rap.
The real problem is that adults often harbor unrealistic ideals of youthful innocence. The protection of which becomes paramount and any evidence that such innocence has been lost immediately triggers a search for culpable parties.
So before we seek to preserve innocence we should first be more realistic about what there is to preserve. Think about how you thought, talked and acted in middle school. Were you so very innocent that a little strong language and violence would ruin you? I wasn’t.
Growing up, gaining experience and losing ones supposed innocence is a complicated thing. Family, friends, music, school, intellectual and biological curiosity, natural predilections, puberty; each of these act upon a human child as they morph into their adult form.
But cases of kids gone wrong terrify parents and they demand to know what happened to those innocent children to turn them into monsters–and they need to know it NOW so they can prevent it from happening to their own boys and girls.
The real stories behind the tragedies are complicated, don’t apply universally, and aren’t easily pigeonholed into “good” or “bad.”
Every kid-gone-wrong tale has hundreds of incidents and accidents that combined to make whatever happen happen. They are each of them a complicated tapestry woven with nuance, mitigating circumstances and poor choices.
None of those things work well as a sound-bite on the news nor can they help someone get elected by becoming a “hot-button” issue. In any case, complicated explanations offer worried parents no comfort. How can they ever pat themselves on the back for a job well done if there’s a million little things to track down? How will the concerned parent know if they are doing it right?
So instead we blame the shocking content of the media consumed by the children. Its a quick and easy target with few powerful allies to defend it.
For instance, some blamed the Columbine mess on the old computer game “Doom” because the homicidal boys played and enjoyed that violent shoot-em-up. But the big picture, as is always the case, turned out to be a far more muddled mess than any one space-marine-slaughtering-mutants game could ever hope to cover.
Other times the blame was shared by rap or heavy-metal music, supposedly spewing either blatant or subliminal incitements to violence. In a few years, perhaps it’ll be that again.
Back in the fifties some kids played Russian Roulette and one of them died. The blame was given to comic books for that one.
Today its GTA4, but in six months we’ll all be blaming something else for causing all of our problems and corrupting our youth.
So, for now, boycot this game if it’ll make you feel better. Never mind that it has the equivalent of an “R” rating and if your kids get their hands on this game and play it on a TV in your house it is your responsibility as much as it would be if they were watching hard-core porno in the livingroom. They got the money somewhere, and that $60 videogame didn’t pay for itself.
If Johnny is old enough to buy it himself then its a different story, although you should still be able to prohibit it in your own home if you want to be a dick. The game is no worse than your average hard-boiled detective book and a lot less disturbing than most horror novels.
Which brings me to the most insidious part of the knee-jerk protectionist blame game we’ve all become part of. It tells our kids that we think they are completely stupid.
If you let your 14-year-old girl read Stephen King’s Carrie, do you think she’ll become a murderer come prom season?
Do you honestly think that her ability to tell right from wrong and reality from fiction is so shaky that reading a novel will corrupt her?
If you have parented your kids properly then an encounter with a game like Grand Theft Auto 4 is not going to turn your otherwise good teenager into a drunk driving contract killer.
Conversely, if you’ve been doing your best to ruin your children as well-rounded humans then Grand Theft Auto 4 will be barely a blip on the radar screen as they hurtle toward their disastrous crash. Enjoy your kids’ early pregnancy/drug addiction/killing spree, I know our friends in the news business will!
The Wacky Carny Art
Posted on May 1, 2008
I took this picture at a carnival. Anyone have any idea why the gentleman seems to have a chicken in his pocket?
