Cleverly Disguised as a Douche-bag and his Trampy Wife
This past Saturday evening my wife an I participated in a charity event known as a “Road Rally”.
in actuality it was like a scavenger hunt with Riddler style clues and puzzles. Each team was given a bag of clues, riddles and questions which required you to drive all around northern Macomb and Oakland counties visiting various business establishments and communicating with humans. It was quite fun, and our team of four came in fifth. (I must admit that for some of the more difficult 1980′s trivia riddles I enlisted the aid of DaveCat, ZipGun, and goshou through the technology of cellular telephone talkery)
Good, clean fun, right? The catch was that throughout the ordeal we would be expected to wear the fashions of the 1980s, hideous as they may now seem to we modern humans.
I turned 18 in 1990 and therefore possessed an adult-sized body for about three years of that decade, during which time I accumulated but a meager collection of clothing that matched the styles of the time.
Alas, my Z Cavaricci knock-offs are long gone, I never owned any Reebok Pumps and no one ever gave me a friendship bracelet. I was generally un-hip in any case; no reproducable photos reveal mullets, skinny ties or Jordache jeans on my person at any time.
Nevertheless, I searched my closet and produced the pictured assortment of mixed eighties stuff. Note the reversible belt with my initial prominant on the tiny chrome-and-gold belt buckle. Also observe the “Ducky-style,” paisley, silk shirt (bought for me by my biological father in 1989 and worn for the first time in public in THIS PHOTOGRAPH). Lastly, check out the cloth windbreaker, which was an Aeropostale knock-off (complete with biplane on the back) purchased for me by my mom when I was 13… from K-Mart, for chrissake!
The pants and shoes were purchased recently. I happen to like wearing Converse All-Stars, especially when playing DDR, though I only discovered them for the first time about a year ago. The pants were TIGHTER than any pants my fat, 36-year-old ass has any business wearing. One beneficial side effect is that it made me look really well endowed and demonstrated to the world the quality of my thighs. The overriding negative side-effect, however, is that my big ‘ol butt was… well… big and old. Since it wasn’t Jordache I had Heather write “Jordache” across my right ass-cheek. Not certain this fooled anyone, though…
The result was bizarre, out-of-style, but perhaps not immediately period evoking. Well, I tried. Heather, however, did it right.
First, let me tell you that Heather is a very self-conscious woman. She’s totally hot, in my opinion, but is constantly being camera shy and attempting to cover herself up. For instance, if she wears a mid-thigh miniskirt she is constantly tugging it down in a vain attempt to obscure her pretty legs and she’ll usually wear a t-shirt or tank-top under any shirt that might show cleavage just to frustrate inquiring eyes.
So I was quite happy with her little shorts, see-through leggings and off-the-shoulder flash dancer look. Less thrilling to me was the hair-spray and eye shadow, but I’m sure she wasn’t thrilled with my man-of-the-day moustache.
As I mentioned at the beginning, my team ended in fifth place. As for the other participants’ costumes? The gamut was run from Nike track suits with mullet-wigs to a tall blonde who actually had her long hair crimped for the occasion. Gnarly.
leave a url?? http://www.gusgreeper.com that is where i am at YO.
dude, i SO have a jordache picture from the weekend but i can’t put it on flickr too many people would think i seriously thought i looked hot and stuff. boo losers.
anyway, it doesn’t really look like you have a fat ass ?
also wanna hear something sort of funny or read it i guess… 2003 new years we go to a party and walk in to find salmon colour shirts and pinch rolled jeans and SRUNCHIES sadly it took over an hour for us to discover that we were in fact the only people who some how missed the 80′s news years party email. awesome.
I’d say the look, at least from the ankles up, vaguely evokes a sense of moderately-well-off-Texan-probably-involved-somehow-in-the-oil-industry. You could, perhaps, pass as a character from the popular eighties soap Dallas …
But, then, I never watched it, so I’m purely speculating.
too funny, sugar! ya’ll look perfect! (i don’t even wnat to tell how old i was in 1990) xox
You’re right. Heather is, like, smoooke’n dude!
Although, I am somewhat concerned by the what appears to be your conjoined twin growing from the side of your Jordache’s… that and your preference for Converse over Air Jordan’s, but that just goes to show what different people we are I guess.
HOT!
Z Cavaricci knock-offs? Sweet jaysis. Could be worse, though; you could’ve been like John, a friend of a friend, who wore Zubaz trousers emblazoned with the Batman logo, well into the late Nineties. We no longer talk to him.
I do have to say, however, if you and Heather were to travel magically through some sort of time corridor, all the way back to the heady Pleiostocene era of 1985, you’d fit right in. Be proud!
Aren’t you two the best!?
gus: I know where you are! You’re in my link list. The eighties were less horrible looking than the 70′s in most ways, I think. Pop culture was shallower than it should’ve been, but that was the Reagan era, and we all spent our time planning the fall of the Berlin wall instead of pursuing the better things in life… none of which should ever involve eyeshadow or lycra.
Arthbard!!! Oh, man! I haven’t seen you in ages and ages. You ever finish that doggy cartoon or, alternatively, did you ever get perfect on every track in Guitar Hero III?
Savanna: We felt perfect, and that’s all that matters. Especially when you are talking tactile senses….
Rich: During the eighties I was so awkward and inward looking that I was afraid to wear any colorful shoes of any kind. I wore black work boots or brown casual shoes. Sad, but true.
Maja: Guilty!
DC: If you say it, then it must be so. Welcome back to good ‘ol 1985, McFly. As for the Z Cavs, I had this pair of knock-offs with a huge triangular flap that crossed the front of my pelvis and cinched up at my hip with a chrome buckle. I wish I still had that….
Lyvvie: Maybe, and maybe not!
Alas, the doggy cartoon remains in indefinite limbo, along with a couple of other aborted ideas I tinkered with over the past months.
Though, I have uploaded a far-less-ambitious eight-minute fart joke to YouTube, for whatever that’s worth.
I don’t actually have Guitar Hero III (yet). I have Rock Band, and, with the guitars controllers for the two games being annoyingly incompatible on PS3, I’ve yet to manage justifying purchasing even more fake, plastic instruments than I already have.
That said, while my scores generally fall short of perfection, I have, by this time, managed to beat Guitar Hero, Guitar Hero II, and Rock Band on expert difficulty. Well, expert guitar, anyhow. Don’t Fear the Reaper has me boned on expert drums. And I suck at vocals … Though I did surprise myself by managing to slog my way through on hard (which was not a pretty sight–er, sound–by the way), but I can’t even pass the first song on the expert difficulty.
Which is doubly embarrassing considering that the first song is Blitzkrieg Bop.
You know things are pretty bad when you can’t sing as well as Joey Ramone.
I think Joey Ramone would fail it, too. We are being held to a standard even the original artists are not held to.
“Rad” job! you had me fooled. I thought i was in a time warp.
Come to think of, Joey Ramone would probably fail any song on any difficulty, what with being stone dead and all.
Point, taken, though. On expert, one’s vocal pitch has to be about as precise as a CD player.
handy, you might still be in a time warp. I don’t have the evidence necessary to disprove it.
arthy, Joey Ramone had our first name!
pssst… hate to break this to you, but Joey isn’t his real name, either. It’s Jeffry. Not Jeffery, or even Geoffery, but Jeffry Hyman.
And with that, my work of pedantry is done! *flies away*
DC, I go by what a man chooses to call himself, not what the MAN calls him on his birth certificate. Pfft!
Otherwise, I’d be calling you DAVID instead of Davecat. …or Davey.
You know, appropo of nothing, I recently heard a repulsive kids song by Davey Jones called “My Personal Penguin”. It was horrible.
Hmm… a valid point, Mr Tinspector; a valid point indeed.
Ooooooooooooh! These ankle socks and kitten heels are lllllllluscious, baby! Yum!
“Joey isn’t his real name, either.”
But … Dee Dee was totally the bass player’s real name, right? … Right?
No, don’t tell me it was all a lie. I couldn’t take it. I …
Wait …
My Personal Penguin …?
That sounds … Kinda dirty …
Personally I think your both looking rather cool dudes, and if you don’t mind me saying, rather hot too.
DanMartin: Both of us hot? We are available for special engagements.
I would say your both looking hot, though a trip out to England is a bit far to travel Joe. But I will keep it in mind.
Hey! That was my grandchild behind your left leg!
The prettiest part of the picture, but you looked cool too! Love the picture with Heather. It is difficult to get her to let us take a good one of her. Going to save it on my laptop and add it to my digital picture frame eventually. Love ya
PS, nice house.
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