Archive for February, 2008
Not a Fan
Posted on February 18, 2008
I’m not interested in Symantec Endpoint Protection, it hasn’t the charisma of melba toast.
How many people actually want to experience life through the lens of this crappy, crappy product? I admire the sheer audacity of it, and there are features they have here that would be awesome had they not been nestled so lovingly in the pile of shit that surround them.
Maybe this is a product for the future, but I think its more dystopic than I want to survive in.
Damn you, Symantec! Why you so nasty?
Stupid Super Powers Four: The Dead Ringer
Posted on February 10, 2008
The Dead Ringer
Able to make any cell phone ring tone sound identical to any other cell phone ring tone.
Stupid Super Powers Three: The Radishist
Posted on February 8, 2008
The Radishist:
If the Radishist sits still and concentrates really hard for 30 seconds or so he can cause a spontaneous manifestation of radishes to pop into existance within about two meters of his head.
He can only manifest a maximum of one kilogram of radishes at a time and he has to go have a lie-down to recuperate afterwards. When he is despondent or melancholy the radishes are wilted.
The only crime-fighting potential I see for it is if the Radishist could get close enough to a criminal to manifest the radishes directly inside his or her colon…
Of course, I would just do it as a joke if it weren’t for the four hour refractory period. A kilogram of unexplained radishes in your stool makes for a great practical joke, if not an effective crime fighting strategy.
Stupid Super Powers Two: The Operator
Posted on February 6, 2008
Heroes is off the air, possibly forever, but I wtill want to talk some more about something they never adequately covered.
Seems like all the paranormal abilities that were detailed on the show had practical applications.
Flying, super strength, invisibility, mind control, direct manipulation of space-time(!); all these abilities are really really cool.
If you grow a hand back after sawing it off people are going to be impressed. If you perform a super-sonic fly-by over a crowded intersection folks will take notice. Even the “as-seen-on-TV” girl could use her lame ability to pretty good measure.
But if these abilities are random mutations, then surely the useless superpowers would outnumber the cool ones by a huge margin.
After all, for every useful adaptation like opposable thumbs there’s a thousand six-toed dead-ends… with hairy moles.
Here’s a list of super-powers that wouldn’t really end up getting much screen-time on Heroes:
The Operator:
Whenever he eats rich food his power takes effect and causes people to dial his phone number up by accident. Only strangers are affected, and the side effect is that he can no longer count above the number 2. In self-defense, he now uses a base 3 numbering system. He no longer trusts anyone who apologizes to him on the phone.
The Operator might try to fight crime by answering his phone in front of a criminal and then violently arguing with the confused party on the other end about American Idol.
