Medicated Cheese and No-Fault Insurance
 Kraft is marketing medicated cheese now. Employing the same strategy that countless veterinarians have used to drug your dogs and vaguely promising that its “probiotic” cultures will help you lead an active lifestyle, the cheesemonger of all cheesemongers has aired commercials showing stylishly dressed professional women grabbing small sacks of cheese on their way out the door to work…or wherever stylishly dressed active people go whilst toting dairy products with dubious medical benefits. This is all assuming that a lump of squishy, nauseating, processed cheese is going to do anything for you other than acting as the rectal caulk you and I already know it to be. |
 My brother, Gerald (shown here with a rented floor-sander), has agreed to sell me his 1999 Pontiac Grand Am SE, which has 129,000 miles on its odometer but looks nearly new due to the tender loving care that my anal retentive brother has showered it throughout the long eight years its been rolling around on our little world. I thank him profusely in advance, as a zero-coverage car insurance policy is all I will be able to afford until October of next year due to my frighteningly careless driving record.I’m actually a little excited, as I’ve not “owned” a car in a long while, having been a lessee for the last ten years. |
 In other exciting news, I recently heard a contemporary recording of an Andrew “Dice” Clay stand-up routine on Sirius Satellite Radio’s uncensored “Raw Dog” comedy channel. Filled with all the same crude, misogynistic crap you remember being funny in 1991, only delivered with the desperation that only a middle-aged lecher on parole could muster.Aside from Dice’s material, the recording sported only a smattering of uncomfortable snickers as Andy Clay failed over and over again to win over the crowd. After awhile he started trying to get some audience participation by asking them if they were married, or gay, or anything else he might have a canned response for. Apparently he never found what he was looking for. Near the end, as I was marveling to myself that anyone would have released this recording to the public–especially since the material didn’t even work for the people who were actually there to begin with–Andrew actually said something slightly amusing to me. Here it is:
Sure, Bette isn’t exactly current events anymore, but the absurdity and relative cleanliness of this joke struck me. If Dice had just abandoned his anachronistic and increasingly unbelievable gutter-Lothario persona and had gone down this road, maybe he wouldn’t be exuding flop sweat so strong that it can be smelled over the radio. But I think the world has already passed you by, Dice. |
Posted in Uncategorized by SafeTinspector on October 26th, 2007 |
6 comments
You know what’d be funny? If The Diceman was doing a stand-up routine in front of a reluctant audience, tossing off half-hearted insults peppered with his usual high-class language, and then he drops to his knees and begins weeping loudly and openly. Through tears, he would explain that it was due to a sudden realisation that everything in his life up to this point has been a festering lie; one which he can never rescind or repair, no matter how much he tries. Then he pulls out a pistol, lodges the barrel between his teeth, then pulls the trigger.
Were I in that audience, I’d be easily spotted. I’d be the one standing on my chair, clapping for all I was worth.
Also: cheese.
DC: Aside from the collapse and suicide, the recording pretty much matched your description already.
All we need to do is make sure he “forgets” to take his prozac prior to a performance and there’s a better than 30% chance we’ll get him to realize your ambition.
Your Mom suggested I should drop by. Enjoy your new car and drive safely.
My mum suggested I drop bye… but that bitch should get back on her medication.
Peace out bro!
In UK we have something even worse than Dice Clay: Roy “Chubby” Brown. I don’t like to give these wankers any publicity but I just thought you should know how bad it can get. At least Dice has some dress sense.
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