A recent phishing attempt received here at SafeTinspector included the following missive:

“You are receiving this message, due to you protection, Our Online Technical Security Service Foreign IP Spy recently detected that your online account was recently logged on from am 54.39.192.149 without am International Access Code (I.A.C) and from an unregistered computer, which was not verified by the Our Online Service Department.

    If you last logged in you online account on Thursday September 27th 2007, by the time 6:42 am from an Foreign Ip their is no need for you to panic, but if you did log in your account on the above Date and Time, kindly take 2-3 minute of your online banking experince to verify and register your computer now to avoid identity theft, your protection is our future medal.” – anon. phisher

    These guys should already know that I know that their is no need to panic, but in attempting to take 2 minute of my online banking expirince to register my computer I found that it wasn’t enough to my protection is their future medal. In fact, I tried to take 3 minute, but that didn’t work.

    I sure hope the Our Online Technical Security Service Foreign IP Spy was wrong, because now I feel even more doomed than usual.

    I have this friend who busted his leg really bad and I ate pizza at his house, only twelve feet or so from the couch he had been confined to for several days. I did handle the modified coat hanger he’d been using to itch the skin beneath the cast, but I don’t think that makes me gay in any way that counts.

    Speaking of which, I’ve determined that I’d make an ideal gay man from a purely bio-mechanic-logistical standpoint.
    You see, I crap logs on a regular basis that are bigger than any man’s penis could ever be, and I do so with almost no discomfort.
I also don’t think this makes me gay in any way that counts.

Due to current budgetary constraints, Detroit kindly asks all citizens to spit their used chewing-gum into the nearest pothole. Everyone can make a difference.
-Kwame Kilpatrick Mayor, City of Detroit

    I’m a bit on the short side and I have a tiny penis; these two facts combine to make it difficult to pick up women from the comfort of my car. Plus I can’t go anywhere without people pointing and staring at me on account of how damn visible I am and I’m getting tired of fighting off the wolves and bears which randomly assault me throughout the day.
    If only there were a solution to all my problems that didn’t involve any underhanded ninja techniques.
    Oh! But there IS!!!

BECOME INVISIBLE
    But Joe, I hear you say, how will invisibility help you with your inability to pick up chicks while driving around, not to mention your short stature, miniscule penis size, and all those angry animal attacks?”
    It covers all those bases and then some. What you are looking at is the most creative item I’ve ever seen for sale on eBay–trust me on this; I once personally attempted to traffic an unholy thing from hell***.
    According to the seller’s ad-copy, this incredible solution to solving your lamentable visibility problem also comes with two extras which might normally stand alone as worthy of purchase in their own right.
    The first, Secrets of Sexual Seduction promises to teach you, among other things, techniques for “breast and crotch” that involve heat and touch, gorilla tactics for seducing women from your home and car, two distinct cures for baldness, methods for growing 4″-6″ (10cm-15cm) in height, lengthening your penis* and achieving weight loss without diet or exercise.
    That takes care of my height, length and attractiveness issues, but I’m still dealing with constant attempts by the local fauna to eat me without proper condiments.
    Its a good thing that billwwilliams also includes his spectacular Wizard’s Book of Animal Secrets. And, as Bill says, a strong command of animals is the mark of a wizard. This collection of ancient animal secrets guarantees that soon after purchase you will be able to command wild animals. More specifically, it will help you control flocks of birds, tame wild horses (even after others have tried and failed), and come to know the quiet world of frogs and toads.
    Haven’t you ever wanted to keep squirrels in your pocket** or bring dead creatures back to life? With this book you can. You CAN.

    Sounds like bullshit, right? Well just LOOK at the customer feedback! Everyone is happy with the product, except for the few that expected invisibility cloaks or magic potions which are specifically excluded in the ad-copy.

    BillWilliams, whoever you are (Bill-Bill?), you are a genius. You’ve gotten at least 348 people to pay you $24.95 each for PDF files. At least 28 in the last month, not a small bit of side business to be involved in, even if you really don’t know how to keep a squirrel in your pocket.

* Not applicable to women. No vulva enhancements offered
** To use as scouts, most likely. That’s what I’d use them for.
*** Click here to reveal your damnation!

If you came here via http://safetinspector.blogspot.com but aren’t sure how that all happened, then everything worked properly.     I’ve replaced the SafeTinspector blogspot template with a bit of JavaScript that bounces you over to this, my new place. Tomorrow I should have my final best man speech posted, but it probably isn’t worth a revisit since it was edited for general family palatability.     Did you ever use the selector at the top of the old blog? I’ve been debating whether or not to reprogram it here. Also, photogalleries are ideal for porn, but can porn be applied to SafeTinspector without making him sticky or chaffed?

Meet SafeT’s Brother:

    He’s getting married this weekend and I’m the best man. I’m down to the wire and haven’t written the best man speech yet. Granted, his “toast” at my wedding seven years ago was a bit on the awkward side, and delved into my medical history in precisely the way that I would’ve chosen to avoid had I been asked. But I want to say something nice and memorable for him.
    So if you want to help me out, I’d appreciate it. Write me a speech, throw in as much information as you can fit into 250 words or less, and please include stuff about his towering intellect and how his gigantic wisdom causes people within 15 meters of his cranium to gain three IQ points on average and where there was this time he saved a burning kitten from a little building.
    I’ll interleave every other sentance of all submissions and go for it. Thanks in advance for your assistance in this matter.