If you’ve never read it, then it is new to you

A little history lesson for you.
     On the 4th of July in 1776 America declared independence from our oppressive colonial masters. The surviving humans of the North American slave colony of New Jersey discovered, with the help of Ben Franklin and then time-traveling Theodore Roosevelt, the fatal weakness of our alien masters, the D’Aret Krang.
     Yes, Ben Franklin discovered that the D’Aret Krang, a race of beings so genetically pure that they share a single set of chromosomes, collectively suffered from a genetic propensity for epileptic seizures when exposed to bright, flashing lights.
     Theodore Roosevelt’s time-travel machine had only one seat and he was thus unable to pick up Thomas Edison due to Tom’s homophobic fear of sitting on the manly lap of the massive Roosevelt. Without Edison there was scant technology available to the desperate slaves of the time to take advantage of the newly discovered weakness.
     Franklin, however, thanks to his youthful journeys in the orient as a Ronin, Ninja and silk-trader, had an extensive collection of aesthetically pleasing incendiary devices. A deployment of this technology was quickly organized by Paul Revere and Dolly Madison which culminated in a simultaneous detonation of approximately 50 metric tons of saltpeter, gunpowder, and ‘fireworks.’
     As the D’Aret Krang fell as one to the ground in a jiggly, hooting mass of alien flesh, George Washington and Nathaniel Hawthorn led bands of men in dragging our quivering former-masters into the very space craft that brought us the hateful overlords. They then programmed the ships to dive into the sun, and America celebrated as the fleet of invaders burnt itself to cinders in the heliosphere if our favorite star, Sol.
     So join us in celebrating our victory, planet Earth! Thanks to our American forefathers (and a time-traveling Teddy) humans have been free to oppress themselves in peace ever since.

FREEDOM IS OURS! -peace out.