Happy Birthday, Olsen Twins
The following is a happy-birthday reprint of my ode to the Olsen’s from 2005. If you missed it then, it’s knew to ewe. I’ve updated it, so it may merit a re-scan.
I know, who doesn’t want to kill these spoiled, skinny, shallow, vapid, little rich girls, right? I am no exception to this nearly universal rule, but my reasons for Olsenocide may surprise you.
I don’t care that they are annoying, or vapid, or talentless, or fraternal, or possibly animatronic. I don’t hate them for that. No one forces me to see their movies, I never watched the damn TV show (primarily because Dave Coulier and Bob Saget make me itch and cast about nervously for automatic weapons) and I am not compelled by law to join their official fan club. No one forces me to deal with the Olsen twins of our decade.
But yet I want to climb into a time machine with a bent pipe, travel back to 1992 and strike them about the head and shoulders repeatedly until they are dead. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no sadist; I wouldn’t do it happily, no. It would be hard on everyone involved, including their parents and myself. I might need counseling after I returned to 2007 with their Olsenite* blood dripping off my hands and bent pipe.
But at least I would never have had to hear the records they made in 1992 when they were seven years old. A lifetime living with haunting memories of their pitiful screams for mercy would be worth it to never have ever listened to…well…
See, we have this thing called Sirius Satellite Radio and amongst the music and news stations it offers is a children’s station called, “Kid’s Stuff.” It plays nice songs by the Muppets, School House Rock, the Animaniacs, Trout Fishing in America and all sorts of kiddie music acts you may or may not be familiar with. I’m fine with them all. Sam enjoys it so much that she might not constantly whine when the car ride exceeds ten minutes, and I can sing most of those songs along with her for extra parental delightedness.
”Kid’s Stuff” has a dark side, though. Occasionally a painful exercise in tympanum torture emerges from their otherwise agreeable music catalog and you find yourself treated to *shudder* Veggie Tales, the Wiggles, or even Barney the Dinosaur**.
The absolute worst thing I’ve ever heard, however, even when considering air-raid sirens and the mating calls of feral cats as logical alternatives, is Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen singing “Brother for Sale,” “I’m the Cute One,” “Desperate for a Dog,” or “Identical Twins***.”
Sam, unfortunately, likes hearing their little voices lie about being identical twins or tell us that their brother is only worth 50 cents. So I let Sam listen, and I slowly grind the enamel off of my molars and shake with barely contained rage.
If I had a bent pipe… Wait, found one!
…
…Now, if I only had a time machine,
* Olsenite is an extraterrestrial radioactive element which reduces Jimmy Olsen to an even weaker and more ineffective supporting character to Superman. Under the influence of Olsenite, Jimmy usually just naps under the billowing cape and tentatively eats his own camera film.
** I often fantasize about Barney the Dinosaur and Dorothy the Dinosaur fighting over the corpse of a Triceratops.
*** Filthy lie of a title! Mary Kate and Ashley are actually fraternal twins. Lying little hussies.
**** My birthday was June 7! I’m 35. Samantha’s birthday was June 8! She’s 6.
i always forget theirs is the day before mine EVERY YEAR!
holy they turn 21 today me 30 tomorrow. ewww. dirty 30. gross.
you are so funny.
Life’s a bitch dude… deal with it.
Ahahaha, you wanna kill ‘em? You really hate these 2 girls. I feel ya. Let’s get to work on that time machine, better yet, check this out: http://www.hollywoodzombies.com. Look for Scary-Kate and Trashley! They’re rich, they’re famous, they’re dead!?! Muahahahaha! You’ll love this. I work with this guys and these trading cards are hilarious. Enjoy! What do you think of their zombie transformation?
Cripes, I could have all day without thinking about the Olsen twins. Thanks a lot.
… I did have a couple of theories about time travel … But … So far they’ve failed to produce a working model of an actual machine, so … Sorry. I’d help if I could.
Dear Sir, allow me to take that meager angled metallic object and burnish it’s hallowed visage until such time as it gleams as though a thousands suns radiate from within it’s foundation… it’s the least I can do while you’re inventing a time machine.
Happy Birfday dude and mini-dude-tte.
The Olsen twins: not just proof that god doesn’t exist, but simultaneous living embodiments of the eternal Void.
I’m sure it’s not easy being both, but they pull off both tasks with such cheerful saccharine aplomb.
I’ll go see about that time machine.
I hear your pain!
Olsen twins. I always was kinda freaked out that they were interchangeable on that show. I would always try to figure out which little grinning imp it was…there is a difference, you know. One was always just a little bit more personable…but which one? What a cunundrum…Well, it kept me going back for more.
But, the Olsen twins singing in stereo. That is too much! I’m afraid my head would explode.
Time machine. My favorite is the one on “Napoleon Dynomite” Time machines are corny, no way around that.
You mean there’s something worse than “Fruit Salad, Yummy Yummy?”
No…no, I can’t begin to imagine what you must have gone through. I almost went through a brick wall* after hearing that God-awful, ear-hair-perming Wiggles song on Sirius.
*On purpose.
my comrade in arms(fellow activist) made me delete you & gyrobos comments.
She said(I quote)”These guys take away from the seriousness of the issue. Esp. if people link to them. They are not concerned citizens, or even serious!”
I told her I was sure you both were concerned citizens, even though you weren’t Coquillians.
But her logic won out. (she’s kinda a bully too, with no sense of humor)(She also thinks she’s smarter then I am)
apparently you can comment anonymously or claim to the mayors dog run over by a police car is OK too. but not a robot.
New Note 19
Gus: 30? I’m 35 as of last week. No sympathy shall you receive from me. As for the birthday situation, I would very much like to know when that changes.
pjwarez: Dealing as we speak.
anonymous: But I want them dead at the age of five or six!
arthbard: Now, until I or you post another entry, everytime you come here you will be reminded of them. You’re welcome!
rich: Just think how much more deadly I’ll be with a SHINY bent pipe!
dc: sweet apocalypse!
maja:Did you really? You’ve heard these?
concerned cit: Yeah, and they weren’t really as interchangeable as all that.
sam, PCB: Yes. And worse than D-O-R-O-T-H-Y, and worse than Rolling Down the Sandhills, and worse than Dance with Wags the Dog, and worse than Big Red Car….
concerned: What? Censorship? I’ve had enough bad crap in my life, and if there’s one thing I ALWAYS work to convey is that there is NOTHING too serious to make a joke from. You defang the monsters by laughing at them, and your friend is taking the subject and herself too seriously. I’ll not darken the doorstep of that blog again. Sorry!
well, safeT it takes all kinds or so the Bourgoisie say.
I tend to be too flippent, maybe. It’s hard for me to not make stupid jokes.
But laughing at the police Department? that’s a different matter. They have tasers & all kinds of stuff hanging off their belts that they can hurt you with.
Do you know that even touching a police officer can get you a felony assault charge? Or tasered?
This a serious issue for me & one I feel passionate about.
I am glad I can come over to your blog & to gyrobo’s for some witty & intellegent humor. & I want all my blogging friends to know what i’m up to, also.
It’s a tight-rope act. *sigh*
*Some people might think i’m bullshitting here, but i’m not.
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