Archive for May, 2007
Fun with iPods
Posted on May 30, 2007
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iPods are great. iPod lets me start a sentence with a lower-case letter and, for once, it’s not a grammatical mistake. Take that, every English teacher I ever had! But such case insensitive freedom is nothing compared to the sublime prospect of putting one’s entire CD collection into a light, portable device; one that fits in your pocket in exactly the way that a walkman with 100+ jewel cases doesn’t.
Naturally, it’s not quite enough just to squeeze 3,500 songs into your pocket. Without the ability to listen to your music, the allure of miraculous containment would soon fade, which is why every iPod comes equipped with a set of earbuds: tiny, unsanitary little speakers you can cram right into your ear canal. For additional money, of course, you can obtain replacement noisemakers that can live where they are far less likely to come into contact with earwax. Big, high quality earphones are one option, but for a bigger sound you’ll want to attach your iPod to that expensive home stereo of yours, and for that there are iPod docks that pipe out sounds via the appropriate audio cables.
Want to play your iPod’s music in your car? You have several options available to you. If your car happens to be burdened with a geriatric cassette-tape player you can just hook the sucker up with one of those cassette deck adapters that have been around for decades anyway. Those on a more up-scale budget could always buy a brand new car stereo with a built-in iPod dock to feed that need. A third option, like say if your car doesn’t have a cassette player and has an odd dashboard layout that only fits funky-weird-shaped stereos, you may have to settle for an FM transmitter. An FM transmitter is basically a miniature radio station with silent, miniature DJ’s–and you can carry it around in your pocket. It sends out a small FM signal that you can use to play your music over an empty station on your car radio.
Now, here’s where things start to get interesting. That empty station thing, I just said? Ignore it. The FM transmitter, or at least the one I have, may give off a weak signal, but it’s still enough to overpower existing radio signals, provided they aren’t particularly strong. Everybody with me on this, so far? What I’m saying here is that there are local radio stations that I can normally tune my radio into which, while not particularly strong, still play perfectly well under normal circumstances… And my iPod transmitter can completely overpower them. Okay, now, I don’t know exactly how far this transmitted signal might carry, but I do know that it goes all the way from my cigarette lighter to my car antenna. See, my cigarette lighter (within which the FM transmitter I possess is ensconced) is nearer the left side of my car. Buuutt … The antenna is on the right side of my car. Get it? So … If I’m in the right-hand lane and there’s another car traveling in the same direction in the lane immediately to my left … My iPod’s FM transmitter is closer to that car’s antenna than it is to my own!
That’s right! It’s PRANKIN’ TIME!
For examplatory purposes, we’re going to find, say, a nice gospel station or maybe some conservative talk radio. Then, we’re going to take our FM transmitters (if you’re as excited as I am about this, then you’ll get one!) and we’re going to set it to broadcast on this very station. Now, we’re going to go out for a drive. Cruise around a bit. Hang out around red lights and look for cars with Jesus fish or “Blame Me, I Voted For Bush” stickers on their bumpers. Finally, we’re going to blast* them with music from our very specially assembled playlists!
What should this playlist contain? Well, that’s purely up to you, the prankster. Call it a matter of taste. Get creative. It doesn’t even have to be directed at Christians and Republicans. No, we’re equal opportunity pisser-offers here at SafeT and Arth. Want to look for pro-choice bumper stickers and play Bible verses at them? Feel free! Have the urge to spot anti-war slogans and pelt the drivers with jingoistic country songs? Go right ahead! Wanna follow me around and make me listen to adult contemporary lite** rock? Good luck finding me!
But, in keeping with the stated example, here’s my list of prank-ready music:
- Highway to Hell by AC/DC – Sure, there are more offensive songs out there, and the band always held that it was really just a metaphor for life on the road anyway, but it’s a classic and it’s still got the word Hell in it a lot. Plus it’s got a catchy guitar riff so the unwitting recipients will be hearing “I’m on the hiiggghhwayyy to Hell!” over and over in their heads for weeks to come. Bon would have wanted it that way.
The song also gets bonus points for the fact that you’ll likely be playing it on a highway, so it’s especially appropriate. - The Devil Went Down to Georgia by The Charlie Daniels Band – Okay, again, not particularly offensive–we’re building up, here–but it is about the devil, after all.
Bonus points if you play it in Georgia. - The Fight Song by Marilyn Manson – Obvious, maybe–I’m sure most of you were thinking, “Oh, I bet Marilyn Manson’s coming up in a bit,” as soon as I started listing songs (unless you’re a bit older, in which case you were probably thinking Black Sabbath who, by the way, just might be making an appearance in a few carriage returns) but I have to say that if a demon was going to rise from Hell to sing through my radio … Well, he could probably sing however he wanted to, what with his magic demon powers and all, but I’d like to think he’d probably choose to sound like Marilyn Manson. In any case, this is what the prankees are likely to assume, anyway. And the chorus on this particular song has him singing “I’m not a slave to a God who doesn’t exist,” so it’s all good.
- N.I.B. by Black Sabbath – Okay. It’s not blatantly offensive from beginning to end, but with a little effort you should be able to time it so that, just as you approach the target, you get to the verse that goes, “Now I have you with me under my power/Our love grows stronger now with every hour/Look into my eyes you see who I am/My name is Lucifer, please take my hand.” (ed-that’s why God–or Lucifer, I suppose–gave me the pause button)
- Super-Charger Heaven by White Zombie – Really. The song begins with the lines, “Jesus lived His life in a cheap hotel on the end of Route 66/He lived a dark and a twisted life and He came right back just to do it again,” and the chorus is comprised of Rob screaming, “Devil-Man, Devil-Man, callin’!/Devil-Man runnin’ through my head!” over and over again. Provided you can decipher his overdubbed wailing, can you honestly think of a better song for this type thing?
Okay, well … Maybe … - Die, Motherfucker, Die by Dope – The title alone sounds pretty bad, right? Well, get a load of these lyrics:
I don’t need your prayers
I don’t need no religion
I don’t need a thing from youI don’t do what I’ve been told
You’re so lame why don’t you just goDie, motherfucker, die, motherfucker, die!
Die, motherfucker, die, motherfucker, die!
Die, motherfucker, die, motherfucker, die!
Die, motherfucker, die, motherfucker, die!… And so on and so forth. Lame people ain’t got no reason to live.
So … Don’t be shy, people. Let’s hear from everybody in the comments. I want to know who you would piss off and what you would play at them.
*Unfortunately, the FM doodad doesn’t actually transmit volume, so all blasting is purely metaphorical.
**The hip-in-1922 spelling of “lite” is intended to indicate that all traces of badassitude have been surgically removed from the music in question, thereby allowing anyone and everyone to peacefully listen in total boredom without ever running the risk of their blood pressure rising beyond the level of contentedly sleepy.
Love Hate the Building
Posted on May 29, 2007
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I took this picture of graffiti and desolation from the 8th floor of the financial district parking structure across the way. This is one of the ABUS* in Detroit. There was a time when I was young and stupid and I seriously considered gearing up for an urban spelunking raid in one of the many such empty office buildings throughout the city.
I wanted to see if there were trays of unclaimed, petrified bagels in the decrepit conference rooms, or perhaps one or two vintage “you don’t have to be crazy to work here**” posters pinned to the paleolithic proto-cubicles. The ghosts of meaningless labors past simply must walk the halls at night. They have to! I bet you can hear them whispering about where they’d like to eat lunch, about how they are not working hard nor are they hardly working***.
If I sat in a filthy, half-broken chair behind the moldy old desk of a long-gone secretary named Catherine, would I hear someone whisper in my ear, “Cathy… you’ve changed,” or would it lament that Cathy grew a beard?
cathy… you’ve…. changed…
You want to know more about the ABUS*. Here’s how: www.forgottendetroit.com
* Abandoned Buildings of Unusual Size. Found in the fire swamps of Detroit.
** Say it with me, boys and girls: “But it HELPS!”
*** A quantum state through which one may become exhausted by the effort to become unproductive.
What? Money for MEEEE?!?
Posted on May 25, 2007
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Epinions says they have money for me!*
Seven years ago (really? SEVEN?!?) I joined Epinions. It was the height of the internet bubble and I quickly earned some bread for a handful of reviews I wrote (all of which are still viewable if you want. Its SafeTinspector writing half a decade before the blog was a tilt in my kilt)
But the bubble burst and the returns drained away. I stopped writing the reviews, and only very rarely checked in. Like two years ago, when I was starting up this blog and wrote a book review. So imagine my surprise when I saw that Epinions owes me over $50!
I’m RICH, bitch! Should I cash out? Should I write another review and check back in two years?
* They also show me as living in Eastpointe and being 33 years old**.
** IN actuality I was the one that wrote I was 33. Bit I did it two years ago and the silly tits never updated it for me.
Downtown Funtime
Posted on May 23, 2007
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Alley next to the Buhl building
535 Griswold Street, Detroit
”Man, I’m sorry, I didn’t think I’d scare you, man. You ok?”
”No, its ok, you just startled me. I didn’t see you back there.”
”Yeah? I’m sorry anyway. Yeah… Haha.. Hey, you got any change?”*
* Conversation with a middle-aged black fellow I met while walking through the alley shown above. He apparently lives in a cardboard-box-and-carpet-remnant lean-to on the far side of the dumpster you see on the left. He popped up as I was passing, just seconds after I took this picture, and I peed my pants just a little. I honestly didn’t have any change.
Shrinkage Complete
Posted on May 22, 2007
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The shrinkage has either stopped or slowed to the point where I can no longer discern additional loss of mass and height. Really, its difficult to measure anything with my stature anyway; my budget is more in line with elderly bathroom scales and cloth tape measures than it is with electron microscopes.
I think I’ll stop now, this is definitely the right size. As it is, I hop around the keyboard playing Archie to an anonymous Mehitabel. Ah, but you observe my punctuation and use of upper case; clever you!
I am so small that I operate the shift key by self-induced quantum states. I am both on shift and not on shift. Every time someone walks in my office and sees me, however, it screws me up for hours due to the headache I get when my state collapses. What can I say, I live in Michigan; collapse is institutionally inevitable.
The collapse remains literal, and not figurative.
Happy me, I am now small enough.
