Blog Entry for Stupid People
One of my more surreal experiences (okay, maybe not that surreal, but bear with me) was when I was first toying with the idea of learning to play the guitar. Foregoing formal lessons, I went the DIY route and made a visit to the bookstore in search of some sort of guide. They had two books: Guitar for Dummies and The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Playing the Guitar. So, imagine me, if you will, standing there, considering my options carefully. There was a choice to be made, here, and if I hoped to make that choice, I was going to have to ask myself a very important question: Am I a dummy or an idiot? Because, y’know … You don’t want to buy the wrong book. If you did that, you’d just feel stupid.That’s not an easy question to answer, either. And it’s further complicated by the question of reliability. After all, if I am indeed a dummy or an idiot, then how can I be expected to put any credence whatsoever into whatever decision I might ultimately make regarding my dummy/idiot status. Obviously, I couldn’t be trusted to self-diagnose myself as one or the other, could I? Maybe there’s some kind of test for this?
But, I somehow find myself inordinately fascinated with “Dummies” and “Idiots” books. I don’t know why. The simple idea that a guide book can be written specifically for those who aren’t very bright just grabs my attention. I also like the idea that a book can insult its readers directly in the title and still sell really well. In fact, it leads me to wonder what kind of success I could have titling a novel, If You Buy This, You’re a Stupid Moron. Given the number of these guidebooks that come out, though, I’m led to believe that I’d likely have greater success publishing The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Writing Dummy Books.
Here’s a smattering of titles from both series, snarky comments courtesy of your friendly, neighborhood Arthbard:
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Calculus - I’m reasonably sure “Idiot Calculus” is a paradoxical concept.
Trigonometry For Dummies - When I was taking college entrance exams, I found that it’s apparently pretty typical for even bright students who are total crackerjack aces in Calculus and Algebra to completely blow on the Trigonometry sections. I don’t know what chance a stupid person might have of mastering it … Or even of when the need of such a skill would arise over the course of their everyday stupid lives.
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Philosophy - So … Deep thoughts for shallow brains?
Nanotechnology For Dummies - I’m sure someone must have proposed this as a practical joke to a publishing executive who didn’t quite grasp the concept that nanotechnology and morons are mutually exclusive subjects.
Everyday Math for Dummies - Finally, a guidebook that sets its sights low.
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Running - Put one foot in front of the other. Repeat as necessary.
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Fasting - Note to idiots: this probably isn’t the same thing as running.
iPod & iTunes For Dummies - I know there are some computer illiterate folks out there, but seriously … If you honestly need a book to figure out how to work your goddamned iPod, you deserve the dummy label.
iPod for Dummies - Presumably, then, this one’s for those rare people who can figure out iTunes but find the iPod, itself, too complicated. I reckon that’s a pretty narrow IQ range there. Like … From 61-62.
The Complete Idiot’s Guide para Aprender Ingles - The last half of the title is, in fact, Spanish, and it all comes out to The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Learning English. But I’m personally amused that the bilingual nature of the title means that any Spanish person who needs to use this book is going to be halfway through reading it before they figure out they’ve been called an idiot.
I learned all about genetics from a comicbook. And hiroshima, palestine and poland in the thirties.(Do we hafta call it the nineteeenthirties now?)
Actually I learned half of what I know about from comicbooks. Tho I find it difficult to to take drug and alcohol comics seriously. They belong in the realms of the novel. That’s where the other half comes in.
Also I have a novel in the talks about a time traveller who visits 18th century england where a seamstress falls in love with him.
The title:”A most out of it cunt.”
Anyway, I better type in yer damn verificationpassword before I get too drunk.
Hey Bard of Arth, Welcome back to your snug little home away from home known as… well, we all know what it’s known as, welcome back.
One of my best friends, Dave, is actually at the forefront of Nanotechnology. The crazy gene-manipulator that he is! And he’s a bit of an idiot… with the ladies. Booyah! Nerd Joke… sorry.
I;m drunk too.
I think what you really need to help you with these questions is the Idiots Guide To Idiocy. Or dummies For Dummies.
So your basically saying I’m young dumb and full of cum. I can relate to that.
Jagd: Of course, given what comic books have to teach us about atomic radiation–i.e. it results in super powers and/or a big growth spurt as opposed to, say, cancer–it would seem wise to take any lessons the medium has to tell you with a grain of salt … Which, I understand, can also generate super powers under the right conditions.
Rich: Well, everyone’s pretty much an idiot when it comes to the ladies, yes? I’m not sure girls, themselves, could figure out what women want, so what chance do any of us have?
Sam: I don’t know … Are you sure I’d understand them? Those may be too advanced for me … They sound so … Recursive …
Hobbs: Everyone can relate to that. Except old people. And smart people. Also those not full of cum … But everyone else, y’know.
I’m lost on most all that stuff… and I’m pretty sure a book about it wouldn’t help!
well youre definitely not an idiot. so go the dummies one.just to be safe.
Oh God! I feel so stupid! thanks arthbard.
Ticharu: I find when I’m lost that a good map and a compass can come in handy. I’m not sure they’ll do much to help with trigonometry, though.
Geezer: Are you sure? What if I’m, like, a dumb idiot? Could I need both?
l>t: Always happy to help. I feel stupid on a regular basis and I figure it’s only reasonable to share with the world at large. It just wouldn’t be fair to hog all the stupid to myself.
i know a person who’ll receive those different books on every possible special occasion.
Gee, I feel so much better now.
But, I think I still need more advice. I wonder if there is a self help book called, “Stupidity for Dummies”?
Ha! if not you could write one. Or I could…Oh God! It’s back. I feel stupid again.
{illyria}: Sounds like someone’s trying to give them a hint.
l>t: Don’t fret, l>t! Stupidity isn’t nearly the social and professional handicap it’s made out to be. Contrary to popular belief, in most industries and social settings stupid individuals actually seem to be at a distinct advantage.
Hilarious!
Pure gold!!!
Hello all
Excellent site. It was pleasant to me.
very thanks
Gunter Stammler
berirtrerejas
Hello!
I think this try.
I never got around to buying one of these books. At one point I was hoping to find “NMR Spectroscopy for dummies” but I don’t think it actually exists.
Maybe it wouldn’t be that helpful even if it did…
Xerxes, if you find yourself mired in idiocy and saddled with NMR Spectroscopy responsibilities then no doubt you would find such a publication a godsend.
Юзая по инету нашел на твой сайт, ох и офигенный же он!!!
I can’t understand you when you talk like that.
Google Translator interprets it as: “Union on inetu found on your site, protected and ofigenny it!”
Well, that clears that up … I do like to think I’m pretty hip to the inetu and ofigenny the kids are so into these days.
Arth, I gotta wonder why this article seems to attract the spam so much. Any ideas?
Well, you did use words with letters in them. Spambots eat that sort of thing up with a spoon.
With a SPOON?!?
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