The Two Week Itch
Perhaps I’m molting. It could be. This one time a dude was chasing me through Best Buy, and as soon as he grabbed my ass it fell right off in his hands, allowing me to make my escape. It grew back a few weeks later. No itching, however.
Since the second day of my Dallas trip (was it two weeks ago already?) I’ve been plagued with itchiness. No rash is evident, no funny smells, and the only blemishes I suffer are those I leave with my desperate fingernails. Completely diffuse, the itchiness is on my head, my back, my chest, arms, legs… everywhere except for the places that would freak me out*.
I figured it might have been the shower water at the hotel, which was probably a different formula than my rusty Utica brew. But its been too long.
Heather has lost patience with my scratching, threatening me with a bottle of caladryl, which I understand comes only in pink–unacceptable! I’m not a princess!**
* They should freak you out as well. They freak me and the missus out, anyway.
** We’ve already established that I am some sort of monstrous lizard-man.
sounds to me like a whisky bath is in order. Works every time.
It’s the Winter Air. I’m always itchy this time of year. Make sure you have ample supplies of Hand Lotion available.
If all else fails, coat yourself with peanut butter and let your dog, over several hours, lick you clean. I think that should provide adequate amounts of moistness.
You might want to have that checked out by the doc. My husband and a couple of other people he works with had the same thing around Christmas time, then they broke out in rashes after a couple of weeks. The doc gave them a magical cream that made the itching go away. He never did say what it was, however. Considering they are all active duty military it could have been anything, including an allergic reaction to governemtn sanctioned secret alien abductions.
Crabs.
The only cure is Blue Unction (see comment above).
Avoid all marital congress for 47 days.
You’re welcome.
Quite a schlong on that chameleon.
Old age. That’s my guess. Then your hair falls out.
Or does your hair fall out first? I can’t remember…
jagd:Yes, but isn’t that your answer for everything?
pj:The peanut butter thing sounds purely recreational. My mother once told me about a battered wife she wanted to help. But she wouldn’t go to the women’s shelter because she’d have to leave her dog behind, and her dog was-in her words!-her sexual partner.
Rayne:I’m going on Tuesday night for a checkup. Probably some ointment is in my future. *sigh*
Dr. M:Not this time, no. I’m itchy everywhere BUT where crabs would be likely to congregate (the shoreline, of course. My beaches are itch-free)
Foot:Thank you!
l>t:Hair falls out first. Mine has been on the retreat since I was 19 or so. Too much testosterone, I assume.
always wanted to go to Dallas, Southfork actually.
Texas affects people in all sorts of ways. JFK had a rather extreme reaction to it and it makes cheerleaders and their mothers just mean. Put these same cheerleaders in Oklahoma and apparently they’re fine.
It’s something sickly in the very air there, something unhealthy oozing from the soil itself. If Texas coughs you get something called a George Bush or a Tom DeLay on your hanky and phlegm of that sort can cause a violent local or systemic inflammation and, in severe cases, even Constitutional damage can occur.
I think you have a clear case of Texas fever. The failure to affect your freaky bits makes it conclusive: the Texas Fever bug is far too prudish to go there.
The cure involves rubber hose and a complete flushing out of the Constitution to prevent reinfection. Pink ointment can’t hurt either.
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