Revenge Advice pt 2
Dear SafeTinspector, my neighbor’s dog bit my husband’s hand and badly injured it. Even though they promised to help pay for the hospital bills, they have not. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Sherry Giggles1
Gods, what a frustrating situation. I think we’ve all been there before. Here’s how you handle it.
Visit your local pound and volunteer for cleaning duty. Hide a few pounds of dog poop somewhere on your person–I recommend ziplock bags under a pair of baggy pants. On the way home, buy a two-by-four, a set of barbeque skewers, a hack-saw, some construction paper, and one permanent marker.
That night, after your neighbors go to sleep, take the shit and smear it all over their car windows and also put a little in their mailbox. But save a few ounces for later!
Wait until morning. Watch their house carefully. They should eventually come out and see what you’ve done. As soon as you see them reacting to the dog crap, run up behind them with the two-by four and cave in the back of their skulls as quickly as possible.
Position them on the front lawn in a humorous cross-shaped formation and stuff the remainder of the dog crap into their mouths and down their pants.
Use the hack-saw to chop off their left hands and immediately impale them on the end of the barbeque skewers. Stick the other end of the skewers into the dirt by their feet so that the hands are sticking up in the air jauntily.
Use the permanant marker and write on the construction paper, “Hi! We’re the Poop Eaters. Thanks for Stopping By!” Do this twice.
Put these signs in the hands, making sure they are readable from the street.
Now don’t you feel better?
1 – The real story might just be found on some other blog entirely.
Nice to see that you went down the mellow path of reason…
Sound advice! But very… poo-based.
Besides, wouldn’t it be better to humiliate them by forcing the poop into their mouths before killing them? I mean, stuffing their mouths with dung after pulping their heads doesn’t really teach them a lesson.
It depends on what kind of timeframe you’re working with, obviously, but it really just boils down to whatever gets the job done, I suppose…
Dan:It seemed reasonable to me.
DaveCat:Nah, that stuff was all about making an example of the Poop Eaters. The lesson part ended after they saw the crap on the windshield.
Even if my dog does poop on your lawn. There’s no way I’m letting you do that to me again. I’ll be ready for the 2×4 this time.
PS. That wasn’t my dog. It was my wife.
Did I say “poop on your lawn”, I meant “bite your hand”. Anybody would think that I read and answered that really fast…
PS. It was still my wife. She’s a shitzu
You fucking sick bastard!! Now that’s taking things WAY TOO FAR!!!
I mean… why should you buy a permanent marker??? The local CSI’s will be there to investigate and clean-up before noon. A cheaper water-based marker or even old odd-ball crayon should safice.
I may never speak to you again.
Isn’t this an awful lot of work? And then they end up dead. This is not good. What you need to do is go for their long term suffering with minimum effort on your part.
We could keep the dog poo thing but trying being more subtle about it. Smear dog poo under their car door handles, that type of thing. If done correctly you could keep up the pain for years.
they say that shit is a dish best served with hot sauce and steamed broccoli
rich:its the thought that counts, and the notion is worth (2x-3y)4.178
PJ:Crap! You’re right! OK, so they should use their left hand when making the sign. That’ll throw them off for sure!
Robin:You are diabolical and cruel. I can’t believe you’d smear shit under the door handles.
Jagd:I think that might’ve been chicken.
Beware of scepticism
I would never do that, it would be yucky. I was just suggesting someone else should do it. And now you know why I never got into trouble as a kid.
Whoah, back a few steps.
The dog offered to pay the hospital bills?
I am really digging that ‘dog shit under their door handles, forever’ idea. If they’re the type leave that their windows open, you could even dump a small amount of excreta in their car, too. Also: outdoor airconditioner unit.
The key to pulling off the perfect crime is investigation and study. If you really plan on asphyxiating your canine owning victims with fecal matter, I suggest you start here…
http://www.poopreport.com/
jagd:You’ll have to prove to me that I should be wary of skepticism.
Robin:Oh… well, I guess that’s ok then. Diabolical only in a rhetorical way, then.
FootEater:No, they offered to pay. So you should read that as being dogs, plural.
DaveCat:I know! Robin is one of those nice people that come up with the best torture ideas. You need to really have empathy to know what will really hurt someone.
PJ:They were dead by the time they hit the dirt. I’m not cruel, I just recommend that Shirley Giggles make an adequate example of her tormentors.
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