On Hooters and Lady Jane
Posted on November 11, 2006
Uncategorized
She just wants to cut your hair
Hooters, the American chain of restaurants famous for crop-tops and hot-pants, has finally spawned a logical successor. Why did it take so long to give scissors to the hot chicks?
First, lets talk about Hooters. Hooters was a stroke of genius. Make a bunch of shitty chicken, serve some watered down beer and questionable oysters, charge a premium and trust that you’ll never run out of business thanks to your not-so-secret double-barreled marketing weapons. Everything tastes better when served in hotpants. Are they good waitresses? As long as they’re good looking who gives a crap? Look at boobs, eat foods1.
In the Detroit area a franchise of hair salons employing the same brilliant concept as Hooters has begun opening locations with alarming frequency. These are Lady Jane’s Barbershops. The corporate web site seems to be down for the moment, (http://www.ladyjanebarbershop.com/) but if you need your hair shortened, and don’t mind sporting an erection whilst sitting in front of a lady wielding hinged cutlery, Lady Jane’s offers a compelling, unique and, above all, bankable experience. Are the stylists good at cutting hair? If I can alternately watch ESPN and gaze appreciatively at the cleavage of a young lady at the same time then I might not be so picky about my coiffure. Look at butts, get hair cuts2, right?
Sex will sell any service, even when sex isn’t the actual service in question. Heck, put sexy ladies in anti-sex public service ads and abstinence will soon be as popular as Dancing with the Stars. Masturbation even more-so. With this in mind I’ve got a few ideas to share with the world. Feel free to try any of these out, I won’t request royalties.
Bean Cunters Accounting Agency - They use the latest tax software, and they prove to be just as morally loose as they are fiscally conservative. You may not pass your next audit, but it’ll damn well have been worth it. Carry the one, baby!
Melons Massive Head Trauma Response Centers – A chain of neurosurgery centers staffed entirely by chikas calientes. Credentials be damned, you’ll be repeatedly beating yourself in the head with an aluminum baseball bat just for the chance to get phrenologized by a busty young pre-med. Or even a busty ex-Denny’s waitress who merely claims to be a pre-med. It doesn’t matter; titties make any injury easier to cope with. Learn to walk all over again while lear
Bang My Cans Trash Collectors - They smell ripe, they look all smudgy, they aren’t physically capable of lifting so much as a full bag of kitchen scraps–in fact, you’ll likely end up having to clean up after them–but the fact that their bare, grease-smudged breasts are perky in the autumn air makes it all completely groovy.
Frankly Furters Contract Consumers - With but a single phone call a pretty young lady will come directly to your home or place of business and eat a meal in front of you. That’s it. My best idea yet! If you give her a nice tip, she might even dribble barbecue sauce on her t-shirt–no touching!
Preach-A-Licious Gospel Gang – Ordained and anything but ordinary, these hotties will preach the gospel of Jesus’ salvation while bringing all their assets to the table–or should I say alter? You’ll go to hell with a smile, you sinning bastards. Open wide to receive the Host!
The Smiling Dead Funeral Home and River of the Dead Outfitters – This ethnic-themed chain of super sexy undertakers will embalm your dead relatives while wearing absolutely nothing but a strategically knotted plastic hose filled with formaldehyde. As an added bonus, they pose naked above the corpse of your loved one for the precise amount of time proscribed by Osirus prior to plunging their red-hot, razor-sharp daggers of Krullkrull into their sternum, thus releasing their soul to Anubis and the great beyond. And you get to watch! Boner!
Universe Exploders Nude Destructionettes – These hot chicks trigger the complete destruction of all mankind and the cosmos itself with their sheer hotness. Galaxies collapse, darken and snuff out with a satisfied whimper. Nothing remains except the sexy. This has happened multiple times before, we just can’t remember it due to the intervention of the…
Erotic Universe Erectors – Sporting an assortment of multidimensional, cosmic strap-ons, these incredibly sexy women bump, grind, and pout suggestively and, through the continuous and perky-nippled process of cosmic breast emanation, restore reality following each manifestation of the Destructionettes. Twice monthly the Erectors and the Destructionettes will stage an erotic display of entropy defying mutual pleasuring. An event not to be missed but, by the vagarities of time-stream manipulation, soon to be forgotten.
Eternal Dildo Celestial Warehouse – A storeroom existing just beyond the edge of tomorrow, holding nothing but assorted transcendant sex toys, and staffed by just about the hottest, barely-legal teens and pre-op transexuals which will ever coexist with our paniverse, who just want to
1 – Not really their slogan. I made it up. I got a million of ‘em. Look at Tits, Eat Shits. Look at Ass, Fry a Bass. Ogle girls, massage squirrels. Flirt with skirts, ketchup on your shirt. Uh… stalk a waitress, soak your matress?*
2 – Not as good as the Hooter’s tagline? Fine. Get a hard-on, get your hair-off… Stare at hairdressers, ejaculate in your pants… Um… Whatever. See if YOU can do better!
3 – Lebron James appears courtesy of Arthbard. Go Arth!
* – A million of them! I admit NOTHING!
Comments
Aaw man I’m missing out. I feel so uncultured. ‘Pizza slut’? No that sucks too…
No, that’d just get the pizza girl raped. Not good. Only by gathering together can the hot chicks avoid dickheads.
I guess I’m in the wrong hemispere for this train of thought…
It’s like that everywhere I go man, cuz I live in a college town, well not actually in the town, I just go there once a week and the chick ratio is like 10 to 1, don’t tell anyone, so no matter where they work, they’re always super nice, and super hot and I don’t think it’s just my imagination, you know, with nothing but cows to look at all week…
In my whole country the chicks are 3 to 1 (that’s 3 chicks to every guy, and like, 4000 sheep to each person.)And in china they’re running out of chicks altogether. I guess they’ll all have to join the army, and as we all know, homo’s make better soldiers…
That picture of that (fine woman of upstanding morals) you’ve posted somehow doesn’t make me want to get a hairchop there.
maybe ‘cos she ain’t sexy. We need to forget the ratio to men and start thinking about theratio to hotness. I reckon (in my social economimic petri dish) that it must be 1:1, “I am HOT therefore=1 who is as hotas me…
get my thrift?
Orgasmic faker institute prostitute: They make you feel like you feel good, but they take your armenian express after and you feel bad later with bad tasting sperm.
Might I ask for something for the ladies?
Did you know, in Korea and Japan they have ‘tea’ shops for women only which are staffed by waiters who are there to serve in any way possible?
Now, I’m not saying that we need to go that far but some eye candy would be appreciated.
In my town the ratio is as follows:
3 chicks to every gay man.
1 man to every 3 gay chicks.
I mean…talk about reverse math!
wow! Good satire. personally I see it as an unfortunate trend.
Stare at butts, burst your nuts?
Where was I at (Aug 24th 2006)?
I’m afraid my auto-trepanning experiments got the better of me.
Now, however, every day and in every way….
Bangin’!
LdP
Here’re some for
The Smiling Dead Funeral Home and River of the Dead Outfitters:
Greave your dead niece, ogle some teats
Mourn your dead uncle, covered in spunkle!
Bury your best friend, see a rear end
Catchy!
In my town, the ratio is more like 1 man to 537 cousins. So, it becomes vitally important to demand a complete family tree before every blind date.
I thought they had a law requiring that you wore an article of clothing with your family tree on it at all times in your town?
How’s that Town Charter Amendment proposing the elimination of My Little Ponies coming along Arth?
But why do the transexuals have to be pre-op?
They always seem to be pre-op.
Well I object.
Her tongue’s going to dry out if she keeps drying it like that and that’s no fun.
On a whim join our kibbutzim
it’s just for him to get a trim
but please act prim around my fine rim
Or I will cut off your tiny limb
“I thought they had a law requiring that you wore an article of clothing with your family tree on it at all times in your town?”
It’s more of a suggestion, really. Some people like to live dangerously.
“How’s that Town Charter Amendment proposing the elimination of My Little Ponies coming along Arth?”
It’s a disaster! Every time I bring it up, everyone starts laughing, and then some smartass proposes an amendment to increase the number of My Little Ponies.
They’re all against me, I tell you.
It’s a conspiracy.
davecat: I agree. But then, I don’t have much in the way of hair right now, so I’d just be hanging out.
jagd:If they make my sperm taste bad, does that mean they are also less effective at insemination? I’ve always been curious how flavor factors in to virility.
Robin: I suppose. But I’ve never seen such, and I’m merely reporting on actual things. But here’s one for the girls: Wiener Talk Nial Salon: well hung, young men who have been trainedin the art of listening will take care of your nails while wearing skin-tight biker shorts–and did I mention they know how to listen?
b-hip:Sounds like the gays have fun, if nothing else.
foot:Good, good.
LcP:How’d those holes in your head work out, anyway?
face:Those are good! We should open one of those Real Soon Now. …but where will I find hot chicks willing to mutilate and/or embalm dead bodies?
kieran: Because, man, its the dingus that makes the transexuals fascinating. Post-op transexuals are just dodgy-looking girls.
Sam:Yes, yes it will.
Rich:Yikes! I said nothing about rim-jobs, and I’ll thank you not to remind me of them. Especially how much more enjoyable they are if one liberally applies honey first.
My henchman ‘Fingers’ has been on a sex food kick lately, eating only Avocado, celery, oysters…there’s five that he’s supposed to eat but he can only remember 3 at a time. It all goes toward making his sperm taste like butterflies.
Jagd:After all, I can’t count the number of times my lovers have commented how they’d prefer the taste of butterflies or moths. Heck, I like to unwind with a small butterfly-wing salad once in awhile.
Sorry to intrude, but I thought you might like to know that this is becoming a global phenomenon. In England we already have an electrical store chain called “Jugs and Plugs”. Not to be confused with the ceramics company “Jugs and Butt Plugs”…………..sorry, I’ll get my coat now………………..
CfT, I simply don’t believe you. But I want to, oh I want to.