Universal Mall of Doom
Posted on October 2, 2006
Uncategorized
| While this squat mass of half-dead shopping opportunities rots in a gangrenous lump literally right across the street from my office building, I have successfully resisted writing about it until now because… well… it was just a mall. I decided to document the place after seeing its recent run of TV commercials. Only airing on local cable television, the low-budget commercials present an ad campaign comprised of the following low-key sales pitch:
They’re so far gone that their greatest ambition is to convince consumers that the place might not be quite as bad as they originally thought. Really quite pathetic, although I must admit I tried a similar ad campaign on my wife: SafeTinspector Onion Farts! Get Less Stench than you Expected!1 Well, I’m still not allowed to eat cooked onions and Universal Mall, anchored by no less than two abandoned department stores (oh, and one barely operational “Value City”) is actually quite a bit worse than I expected. |
- Need a store that sells nothing but sarongs? Universal Mall!
- Need a shoe store that doesn’t appear to have any shoes for sale? Universal Mall!
- Want a food court populated by one felafel stand, a Chinese-run Thai restaurant and one dilapidated snack machine? Universal Mall!
- Want a store that sells nothing but “Cruisin’ Woodward” memorabilia? Universal Mall!
- How about a chess supply warehouse? UNIVERSAL MALL! -wait, that one closed.
- How about a haunted house? Oh yeah, UNIVERSAL MALL!
 |
 Yes, I said haunted house. “Dr Phobia’s Haunted House” is open every Friday and Saturday night all year long and is located within a portion of the abandoned Montgomery Ward department store.You know your mall is probably not at all well when establishments that aren’t normally associated with commerce take up residence. Like haunted houses. I’m waiting for the abandoned Mervyn’s department store to become a hostel, and the abandoned car dealership to turn into a dumping ground for old construction equipment. Oh, wait, that already happened. |
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| I’ve speculated that the haunted house is actually staffed by local homeless people, who could in turn be housed in the Mervyns, thereby fulfilling my fantasy of a Mervyns Flop-House. This makes me happy, as I’m all about efficiency and impromptu hostels. See, with the right sort of homeless folk there’d be fewer costumes required by Dr. Phobia, as employees need merely refrain from showering and stay off their meds long enough to work up that creamy creep factor patrons value so highly. And the dead Mervyn’s, a store so boring that it induced slumber in most people anyway, should make for the PERFECT place to crash. |
Hey, anyone want to Le Se this sign? I’m pretty sure that’s French, and I’m pretty sure its disgusting. And on a public sign, no less!
Note that they didn’t have enough money to actually buy a 5, opting instead for an upside-down 2. Now THAT’S thrifty!
Here’s a mystery for you! Atop the mall is a glassed-in area which can not be accessed nor seen from inside the place. What do you suppose it is?
I’m voting for alien observation post or black helicopter air base.
Oh, wait! It might be the ballroom from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.
Tale as Old as Time / Song as old as Rhyme / Beauty and the Beast!
Man, I loved that song. Angela Lansbury is frickin’ hot as an anthropomorphic singin’ teapot. A british chick who encourages strange women to drink from her underage son’s head2? How hot is that?
Do you suppose it still works? Street sweepers are the opposite of zamboni. Instead of laying ice, they rearrange street dirt and make your dog bark. Remember that for later, peeps!
1 – Did you really think we’d get through this without a poot joke? Oh, and exactly how stinky are my onion farts? Lets just say that SafeTinspector’s bowels are very sensitive to onions. Yet another fact you didn’t really want to know.
2 – In her defence, her child was an anthropomorphic tea-cup at the time. But still!
Comments
A doctor phobia is actually quite a healthy thing to suffer from. I steer clear of them myself.
gosh, that is so funny! I do adore your sense of humor.
I noticed the word “eatery” on the mall sign. I’ve always hated that word, “eatery”. Is it supposed to be a generic term for restaurant, or what?
You forgot to mention the seedy cinema, where movies go to die. But otherwise, yeah, it’s a hole. You expect to see tumbleweeds blow through the place.
The chess store closed!? No way! It’s been there for almost 10 years! Where the hell am I supposed to go to get my “Chess Players Mate Better” bumper sticker? Where can I admire the over-priced civil war chess set by the Franklin Mint?
The USCF shall be told of this Travistry! Trajectory! Traverly! Bad Thing!
If any store, I would have thought Mervyns would have stayed open. It was added on in the early 90’s and seemed to bring new life for a number of years.
Is Olga’s Kitchen still there?
What other mall could I ever ride my bike through in the middle of the day without getting stopped?
So sad will be the day that the lot is just flattened and made into another strip mall or condo complex.
-Michigan Ex-Patriot
I used to love Universal Mall because it’s so very abandoned and desolate. A friend once told me that Universal Mall was a test bed mall for stores and shops in order to learn how popular they would be, before investing a whole lot in opening up a full line of chain stores. Test bed? More like test crypt.
One time several years ago, I was with a mate at the Oakland Mall Kay-Bee, looking for some figure or other. They didn’t have it, so we asked if they could see if any other locations had it. So the cashier rang the Universal Mall store, spoke to whoever, and waited for a couple of minutes. While we were all waiting, the cashier told us that the Universal Mall cashier had told him that he’d just stepped out of the store entrance and looked up and down the mall corridors, and there was hardly anyone shopping there.
This was at four in the afternoon.
UNIVERSAL MALL: Voted Best Place to Re-enact a Scene from ‘28 Days later’, ten years in a row.
love it, things aren’t really that different over there are they, we call our crass, bullshitting media hogger Tesco. It is a reflection of the mentality over here that they have got even bigger according to todays figures.
See, safeT, I knew you were all about efficiency and impromptu hostels. It’s all there in your writing, you know.
“Hey, anyone want to Le Se this sign? I’m pretty sure that’s French, and I’m pretty sure its disgusting. And on a public sign, no less!”
You think that’s sick? Man, you have no idea what’s out there. The other day I saw an exhortation to lease something on a pubic sign. What’s the matter with people?
That mall looks like the most happenin’ place. I bet you and Arthbard cruise for chicks around there, eh?
Chick magneetos.
foot:I think this fellow’s surname is “Phobia”. Perhaps he assumed it to avoid the family name of “Irrationalfear”
l>t: “International Eatery,” in this case, is code for “Food Court”
zip: Yeah, I didn’t mention the dollar show. Perhaps in the follow up! Oh, and HI! I don’t recall you ever happening by before. Usually just see you at DC’s place.
TQ:Nope, Olga’s is now an off-brand coney island, I think. And it isn’t closed yet! You can still bike your way through.
DaveCat:Testbed? I don’t think the patrons of Universal Mall would make for a very good sample of typical consumers.
Hobbes: What?!?
Sam, PCB:Crap, I dunno. Bunch a whackos. You should call the number and tell them what they can do with their damn lease!
Hippo:Arth is geographically quite distant, as I am located in SouthEast Michigan and his shell is currently located on a sandbar off the coast of Panama.
The Elgin Pellican, made in Elgin Illinois. Get one today!
I knew a place like that once. I slept there for a couple of years while I was coming off my addiction to Onion farts.
Oh please, please take us on a tour of the Haunted Universal House.
I wish my local Black Hole mall had a Dr. Phobia’s House of Fear. Have to make do with the lady at the Lotto Grotto…
Jon: Crap, I’ve lived my life without one for so long, do you think I’m ready for it? I don’t want to die of extasy…
Rich:I might do so after Holloween. Right now the place is a bit too busy for my taste. I’m curious what its like inside as well. Is it organized into departments like “Horrible Housewares,” “Lichenous Lingerie” and “Hardware”?
flatlander: Lotto Grotto lady scares me, too…
I think I begin to understand your inspirations for that daring-do “Closure”….Scary thing, I think EVERY town has an ancient flailing mall. I know we do. In fact, it’s so dead that they hold car shows in there from time to time, just open the doors and drive ‘em in! They also have 2 different new church groups ( Our lady of the plastic money, & No Hope Church) meeting there, I suppose the rent is reasonable,lol. I’ve often wondered how the saintly ones endure the fumes from vehicles being driven in and out, and if they still get heat in the winter. In fact, I’ve never actually SEEN them, just the plastic banners on the outside doors proclaiming such organizations exist.
Even the McDonald’s that used to reside there moved across the street, it wouldn’t do any good to be associated with such losers, you know, bringing down the name of the GRAND PooBAH MickyD’s!
Though I find your pathetic and simple minded comments half way as interesting as an easy bowel movement you should really get a few things straight.
Dr. Phobias: Have you been there? No
Have you read any reviews for it?:No
In Fact you don’t know what the fuck you are talking about when you have to bash a local business.
Dr. Phobias is a premiere haunt. And year round still one of the best in michigan.
The fact that you can click away your day on you stupid little camera means nothing except for your a goddamn loser. Get a job, I don’t know anywhere where dumb fuck losers, and half wit retards work. Maybe a Mcjob somewhere.
I’m happy that you went so extensive into your study of the mall, to not realize your “Mystery Glass Structure” is the fucking food court?
Jesus you are lame. You have an Ugly Baby too.
Kill your little reporter rants of shit: stop by the haunted house.
GO THROUGH
People from all over the U.S. And Canada make the trip to Phobias and don’t leave disappointed.
and Phobias is hosting part of the INTERNATIONAL HAUNT CONVENTION on May 3rd.
So Sally Sue. May 3rd. 12 noon. Bring your little camera. And tell us we don’t run a good haunt.
Well, I sure did not think the homeless folks who live in Mervyn’s had access to the internet, but you apparently pissed off one of them that works at the haunted house.
However, I too, my son, am surprised you did not know those windows were for the food court.
You probably do not remember, but when we first came to Macomb County, I frequently took you to Universal mall because they had humungus bird cages with growing trees in the middle and tropical birds. You loved the birds, and running around the round room size cages.
Also, Universal Mall had the last Kresge Dime Store, with working soda fountain (probably in the world). These precursors to K-Mart had goods not offered at K-Mart or other stores,and served a pretty good hamburgers and shakes.
Well goto to go start the next leg to Omaha. Love always, Mama
Not true. The glass is not visible from within the food court, and the glassed in area is far too large. It is no less than 12 foot higher than the roof of the mall.
I assume it is closed up by a drop ceiling like the original ceilings at Macomb Mall were in the late eighties.
This is so sad. I use to love this mall when I was kid. Back then it was Universal City and the anchors were Federals and Wards. It seemed to be very futuristic, particularly the snack area. I think Mervyn’s left because the company went under (like Wards), but I’m not sure. Is your office really across from the mall?
Kevin: I don’t remember Federals at all. But I do remember coming to this mall in the 80’s, and it was still pretty vibrant at the time.
Yes, my office is right across Dequindre, in the first level of a two story office building we bought in 2000.
I heard the mall has since been demolished. Can you give me an update?
By the way, I think they closed off the glass area you mention above. I believe that is where they had a huge bird cage and seating. I believe that is also where they has an image of the universe on the wall.
Nope, they have only torn down the former Mervyns so far. The mall is still open and I have some new pictures for a new piece… unwritten so far.
By all means, write the new story! Do you know when it is scheduled to be completed? Thanks for the quick response.
Which, the article or the demolition?
The former: Not sure.
The latter: I have heard they are not going to tear down the entire thing, but just the Mervyns and the Montgomery Wards in order to make enough room to build a Super Target.
You indicated you had photos that would join an article that are “unwritten so far.” That is what I am referring to.
Thanks.
The glass structure is now seen from the interior of the food court in some spot,yes they are tearing down all of the mall.They will leave burlington coat factory,movies16,aj wright,sports palace and hair secret.If anyone has any questions i will answer them,i can tell you the history of the mall and the details of it’s demise.