Thank God, I guess, for The Praise Baby Collection, a series of DVD’s and CD’s aimed at infants. Luckily, this means that your freshly-birthed toddler who can’t understand a word of English can still learn about the glory of Jesus, apparently via brightly-colored images of bouncing hippos. Seriously, I haven’t watched the blasted things, but it’s vitally important that you click this link.
    Their website refers to these DVD’s as “… the first developmentally appropriate CD, DVD, and video series that creates a nurturing environment for your baby’’s spiritual and intellectual development.” This is a major boon to Christian parents, offering them an affordable and efficient way of brainwa- … er … teaching their newborn babies about the firmly-established, unarguably-proven, totally-unnecessary-to-be-analyzed-by-science facts of Christianity before they ever have a chance to consider any possible alternative.
    Also, I should mention that the second DVD of The Praise Baby Collection has just been released. This means that a single DVD was released, clearly labeled as a “Collection”, with the company’s complete faith that it would be successful enough with its target audience that a second must necessarily follow. To the corporate executive who made this decision: I, sir, am in absolute envy of your huge, Christian balls.

Following are some reviews from satisfied customers–not a one under five stars!

“… I highly recommend this to anyone that enjoys modern worship music.” -Angela from Ramsey, Indiana

And we all know how crazy the kids these days are about modern worship music.

“Get this dvd for your one yr old and you’ll get all your housework done. My little boy watches this over and over and over again … He sits in front of it and doesn’t move. I couldn’t rave any higher of this dvd and the other in the serires [sic].” -Heidi from Australia

So, Heidi from Australia reveals the dark truth behind The Praise Baby Collection. It’s not actually about educating your children, but about getting them to leave you the fuck alone.

“My 8-month old has been watching this set since he was about 4 months old and his eyes are completely glued to it! He gets totally excited when the music comes on and he knows when it ends and the credits are rolling because he starts to fuss! He just watches in amazement … I wish there were more than 3 available! What a BLESSING!” -Melissa from Jacksonville, FL

Teach your children early about the wonderful rush of addiction! Help prepare them for the addictions they’ll enjoy later in life! Take away the disc and they’ll even get the DT’s!