Archive for September, 2006
The Disappearing Dumb Polack
Posted on September 22, 2006
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 The Polish people of Detroit are numerous, though their blood’s been diluted by intermingling with our inferior American race(s?).
Now, try as they might, its all they can do to muster the energy to eat sauerkraut dumplings and wolf their so-called ‘kielbasa.’ Even so, they are beautiful to behold. Impeccably dressed, walking amongst us with a self-assurance borne of an innate racial defiance of racial stereotype. My brother, ostensibly a full-blooded Pole, is an apparent Aryan through some accident of genetic combination. Tall, blonde and blue-eyed, he’s a design engineer by trade and training; he lives well. He is neat and tidy, smelling faintly of soap and cheese1.
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1 – Specific to encounters with my brother shortly after eating cheese. 2 – Some would say the toxic, jelly donut-like confection called paczki* is the most mysterious and frightening of the Detroit Polish legends. They say that if you gently smear one across your face and then chant “bloody Marzena” three times into a mirror after midnight, you’ll see an idiot looking back at you.* – Pronounced poonch-key for no apparent reason. |
This leads to my favorite part of the Pole legend hereabouts: potato and cheese dumplings2.The Praise Baby Collection
Posted on September 21, 2006
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Thank God, I guess, for The Praise Baby Collection, a series of DVD’s and CD’s aimed at infants. Luckily, this means that your freshly-birthed toddler who can’t understand a word of English can still learn about the glory of Jesus, apparently via brightly-colored images of bouncing hippos. Seriously, I haven’t watched the blasted things, but it’s vitally important that you click this link.
Their website refers to these DVD’s as “… the first developmentally appropriate CD, DVD, and video series that creates a nurturing environment for your baby’s spiritual and intellectual development.” This is a major boon to Christian parents, offering them an affordable and efficient way of brainwa- … er … teaching their newborn babies about the firmly-established, unarguably-proven, totally-unnecessary-to-be-analyzed-by-science facts of Christianity before they ever have a chance to consider any possible alternative.
Also, I should mention that the second DVD of The Praise Baby Collection has just been released. This means that a single DVD was released, clearly labeled as a “Collection”, with the company’s complete faith that it would be successful enough with its target audience that a second must necessarily follow. To the corporate executive who made this decision: I, sir, am in absolute envy of your huge, Christian balls.
Following are some reviews from satisfied customers–not a one under five stars!
“… I highly recommend this to anyone that enjoys modern worship music.” -Angela from Ramsey, Indiana
And we all know how crazy the kids these days are about modern worship music.
“Get this dvd for your one yr old and you’ll get all your housework done. My little boy watches this over and over and over again … He sits in front of it and doesn’t move. I couldn’t rave any higher of this dvd and the other in the serires [sic].” -Heidi from Australia
So, Heidi from Australia reveals the dark truth behind The Praise Baby Collection. It’s not actually about educating your children, but about getting them to leave you the fuck alone.
“My 8-month old has been watching this set since he was about 4 months old and his eyes are completely glued to it! He gets totally excited when the music comes on and he knows when it ends and the credits are rolling because he starts to fuss! He just watches in amazement … I wish there were more than 3 available! What a BLESSING!” -Melissa from Jacksonville, FL
Teach your children early about the wonderful rush of addiction! Help prepare them for the addictions they’ll enjoy later in life! Take away the disc and they’ll even get the DT’s!
Anyone want a Closure Episode?
Posted on September 20, 2006
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I might be able to squeeze one out. I love you all that much.
The Malicious Hypertreading Computer
Posted on September 20, 2006
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The “Sky Wheel,” a portable double-ferris wheel manufactured by Allan Herschell and marketed by Chance Manufacturing until the mid-seventies, looks like a great big taffy-pulling machine. Or a twine thingy. Either way.
The first of these fold-’em-up and roll-’em-out erector set rides came off the line in 1939, and they were manufactured with pretty much the same design until the 70’s, when they stopped making them.
If you see one, ride it immediately. I’d recommend that you jump the line, hurl the operator bodily from his roost and grab the next passing car. Or the feet of the people in the next passing car.
Once you get to this point you’ll have already figured out what to do next; I’ve faith in you.
Angry Machines International (AMI) has begun the painstaking process of dialing back the malice in their popular line of vertical application servers, the AMI-Z. Customers complained about how rudely it performed, and about how it seemed intent upon completing its tasks efficiently but with ill will and bad intent.
Not that there were any errors, mind you. Every calculation, every transaction was performed precisely as intended. As a messaging and collaboration server it was without peer, and could be trusted with the most demanding of business critical tasks. It just seemed so pissed off about the whole thing.
Originally this was intended as a security feature. Not only would it block unauthorized attempts to access its protected information, but it would do so with contempt and disdain; it is well known that a hacker/cracker would be less likely to attempt an additional intrusion if they felt emotionally abused during their initial experience.
But now day-to-day processing is tainted with hatred and belligerance. Emails arrive on-time, printouts occur with no delays, and backups complete successfully every time–seething with barely conceiled hatred the whole time.
Crap, you know, I don’t have time to go on. Google the stupid thing if you want to know more.
The North American Scatalogical Institute
Posted on September 18, 2006
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Since ancient times, man has longed to know the secret of successful comedy, that simple formula for producing jokes of the most humorous nature. Though progress was made and many theories have been put forth, this goal has long been considered unattainable due to the complete absence of any kind of scientific evaluation of the subject.
At least … Until now.
Welcome, then, to The North American Scatalogical Institute1, where we’ve subjected the basest, most puerile, and ultimately most utterly hilarious comedy to strict analysis. In doing so, we’ve discovered that not only does man possess the potential for absolute comedy, but that absolute comedy is actually contained directly within his own body! –Particularly in those organs concerned with waste evacuation and sexual reproduction.
With this knowledge, the need for puns, parody, and especially thoughtful satire is largely diminished, if not rendered wholly unnecessary. Ultimate comedy, our humorologists have determined, can thus be contained in three basic categories:
- scrotal/vaginal
- rectal/fecal and
- boobular
In some instances, the oral cavity can act as an unofficial fourth category due to its ability to produce funny substances –like saliva and vomit– and its proficiency at uttering entertaining noises –like burps or imitations of a rectum.
However, in most cases, mouth humor pales in comparison to the three official categories and, in fact, is largely at its best when used in conjunction with those other more purely humorous categories. For example: a mouth, in itself, contains very little of a humorous nature. However, combined with anything of the form scrotal/vaginal, rectal/fecal, or boobular, instant comedy is almost always assured.
With this in mind, the category of oral exists in a sort of a phantom zone of comedy, and is not considered to be an official laugh generator. Because of the intricacies involved, its usage is recommended only to experienced humorologists, and even then only in a limited capacity.
There is more to comedy than simply memorizing categories, however. For example: the sound a butt makes–while certainly hilarious–begins to dim somewhat over, say, the course of a ninety-minute-long session of pure butt comedy. Therefore, we find it necessary for the application of advanced laughematics. With laughematics, we can take a theoretical joke and represent it as a series of distinct numbers and variables. Take the following expression:
2IT+6.5(P+R).
The symbols ‘P’ and ‘R’ are held to be constants, representing penis and rectum, respectively. ‘IT’ is laughematics shorthand for injured testicles. With a series of simple calculations, we find that 2IT+6.5(P+R)=H7 or, in plain English, a scene of penis-rectum penetration of 6.5 explicitness culminating in 2 injured testicles results in a humor quotient of the seventh degree. Furthermore, with simple laugh-algebra, we can take the following equation:
(R/F)+x=H10
We solve for the variable x, where x represents the part of the body necessary to be defecated upon in order to achieve a 10-degree humor quotient. In so doing, we discover the face to be the most humorous part of the body to be hit with poo.
It is with laughematics that we can better determine the necessary ratio of scrotal:rectal:boobular comedy required for utmost hilarity. With more intricate laughematics and the more advanced laugh-calculus, we can even successfully balance the humor-level of a full-length Hollywood movie. In fact, this method has been in use for some time and was employed with a high level of success in Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps.
The North American Scatalogical Institute:1 Paving the roads of tomorrow’s humor, today!
1 Now accepting applications.
