Footeater said he likes the footnotes better than the actual posts. Davecat requested an all footnote posting. I am nothing if not accommodating. If one clicks a footnote one gets a prize*.

1. Nerderus was a member of the Roman Senate during the time of Julius Ceasar and was famous for developing new methods of using an abacus to numerically simulate historical battles. His final such simulation was a recreation of the climactic Battle of Zama during the second Punic War.
   After three repetitions of his experiment each concluded with not only the historically inaccurate defeat of the Romans, but with the extremely unlikely sacking of Rome(1), he was put to death in front of a group of weeping classical mathemeticians.
   1. Unlikely in that the battle took place in North Africa.
2. The process by which this mixture is created is a closely guarded and very pornographic secret(1).
   1. Lets just say the Mermaids like Unicorns a lot more than the story books credit.
3. This sentance was written in third-person with the intention of scaring small children.
4. You’re trying to turn me on, aren’t you… Stop… C’mon, no… I’m not in the mood, really… No means no! Oh… well… that does look good; ok, just one more byte. Its getting warm in here, isn’t it? Maybe I should take this shirt off.
5. It would be filled with observations like, That burro pooped right in front me. Just like a liberal.
6. Oh, are you looking for Closure? Part 22, in which we learn Everything We Ever Wanted to Know About Gorilla Bananas (But Were Too Afraid to Ask)
7. More often than you think.
8. Space-Ace was my favorite, but since his real name is right there smack-dab in the middle of his pseudonym, I figured I could only use him as an example if my penis’ persona was something like “Cleanest-Penis”
9. As a child, Bananas thought that Bananas in Pajamas had something to do with him. This is partly true, since his parents, handsome Gorilla Cheers and beautiful Gorilla MASH, named him after the long running children’s show.
10. Standard users! A meter is around the same sort of size as a yard. You may assume equivalence for purposes of understanding the story.
11. Bausch and Lomb Hogwash–Now Mit Lanolin!
12. You know, the dirt patch between row 5-H and the shower stalls?
13. You think I don’t know I’m making no sense? I do know. I know it good.
14. In researching this story I found that the woman’s condition is really known as “spider veins”. Since this seemed far less recognizable than vericose, I left the references in the story the way I wrote them: wrong.
15. Tycho Dance is a psuedo-artistic combination of kobuki theater, tycho drumming, ice skating and lap dancing and is continually improving and adding new elements. Next year’s production is supposed to come complete with an Andrew Loydd Weber soundtrack and a watered down plot involving a romance between a dilapidated dance slipper and one of the larger tycho drums.
16. Yes, the rocks tumbled with an Indian accent. You’d have to hear Bananas to understand.
17. Disclaimer: ‘Phiffed’ is Not Actually a Real Word
18. I still think Stephen Seagal’s version of “the Patriot” was better than Mel “Righty Tighty” Gibson’s.
19. Hang In There!
20. Do Not Attempt to Grow Marijuana in Glove Compartment.
21. several dozen are me prattling on about crap I’m not qualified to talk about
22. Now with meat!
23. None of this is to say that there is no God; its just that one shouldn’t presume to subvert science, which is the celebration and exploration of creation, with attempts to prove the act of creation itself.
24. Join my church. Send me money. I will reveal level 2.

* If you understand that ‘prize’ means a trip to the pathetic post from which the out-of-context footnote was extracted, then I am not technically lying. For the sake of my moral integrity, I humbly request that you consider it such.
** Riley’s doing great! Thanks for asking. She’s small, cute, jiggly, and good toward a handsome exemption on my income taxes. And I love her.
*** Heather’s doing great, too! You’re so thoughtful. She got her staples out this morning. She’s expressing herself well.

    All these things I am doing, this stuff I’m using, are things I’ve done and stuff I’ve used before.
    Like these underpants. And this coffee mug. And my digital piano squattin’ over yonder looking all innocent-like*.
    But this bassinet, swing, bouncy-chair, crib, breast-pump**, etc, all seem oddly out of place and time as I begin to use them again. This five year old Samantha was tiny when we used these things. She’s five…a child of the new century.
    Consider this: I was reading Samantha a storybook yesterday. At the end of the story, Sam said,
    ”Put this in so we can pause it.”
    She was handing me a bookmark. Whatever.

    Anyway, back to the five-year-old baby things: I’d assumed all this time that I hadn’t really changed much, but as I wound the spring of this swing, I remember where I was, who I was, and what I felt like when last I wound it… and I am different… in more ways than hairlines, crows feet, and alarming flatulence can delineate.
    Perhaps it was a newness of purpose. I had it then, I don’t now. I don’t know. I don’t know now.

    Times up; leave your money on the dresser.

* Its up to something. Sneaky atonal bastard. When I was its age I had some respect for my elders.
** Not of the “Swedish Enlarger” variety, this is more of a human milking machine. My wife’s breasts are somewhat less erotic when a wee yellow motor sucks foodstuffs from them while humming the theme song from “Jaws”

    The sump pump, ripped from its moorings and cast, bleeding ruddy iron deposits upon the soil and crabgrass, steams.
    Neighbors serreptitiously cast their gazes at me through drawn curtains as I violently stab the evacuation tube over and over and over again with the noodley coil brush.
    Drops of cold claret and clots of slime spew from the tube and arc through the morning sky on the rebound of each stroke, and the pump, plugged in and nestled in a bucket, caughs and splutters a filthy pint or two at each brief respite.
    In seeming to kill it I bring it new life, though I cannot say the same for my ochre spattered clothes and shoes.

* I had no camera handy at the time. My sump pump is now back at work in a hole in my basement, and so I bring you a picture of a nice, new one.

To the Beaumont hospital cafeteria, a ‘pot pie’ is a puddle of coagulated cream-of-chicken soup topped with a flattened buttermilk biscuit.

It may be that they are correct, as the result is surprisingly pie-like in the same way that my Ford Focus is like a boogie-board.

    Tomorrow we’ll have a new child. The operation is scheduled for 10:00am, and the doctor states that he’ll be going after our second born through the same hole he used to remove Samantha from Heather’s uterus 5 years ago. This is fine with me, because the existing incision is a tiny thing, below the bikini line, and I think its cute. Especially all alone like it is.
    If it were to be paired with a second scar it would look like Heather had an equal sign between her navel and vagina, and that sort of math just doesn’t work out; there is simply no equivalence. A nice, long hyphen is much more acceptable–see, it works:
    Navel–vagina!

    Anyway, to pass the time and to get my mind off the impending delivery, Samantha and I rode her chariot* to a local park to play. Whilst climbing upon a small wooden play house I found an anatomically correct drawing of a vagina upon the roof.
    Samantha can’t read and, thankfully, she had no idea what the drawing was of. I told her it was of a very small cantaloup on the half-shell.
    I wonder at the detail of the drawing. Was the titular miss Wilson modeling for awhile or had the author depended solely upon his or her memory when producing this image? Spread open by, I suppose, the owner of the anatomy in question, even details like the clitoris appear in the appropriate place**. Odd.

* I’m the horse, but she’s not allowed access to a whip. Actually, I call it a chariot, but its really a small passenger trailer hooked up to my bicycle.
** If you really want to see it, I can send you an uncensored copy. I’ll need a credit card number and a faxed copy of your photo ID along with a crude sketch of yourself in order for me to send it your way. Only $19.98/month!

    Clippety, Spike and Silver-Horn, the dynamic trio of unicorns behind the popular resurgance of Unicorn culture on the word stage, were shocked when their parade through downtown Beirut, Lebanon, was bombed by Isrealis assuming collusion between the supernatural horse breed and Hezbollah.
    At least 20 of the elusive and breathtakingly gorgious horse-like creatures were killed in the brief yet brutal aerial bombardment.
    Speaking in unison from Spike’s hospital room in Dar Al-Ajaza Al-Marouny hospital, the triumverate of beautiful creatures pronounced,
    ”We don’t even have cloven hooves. We could be kosher, and would be delicious,” they nickered disarmingly to indicate this was a form of equestrian humor, and continued, “Seriously, we are reconsidering our choice of venue for our Unicorn Parade.”
    Spike, hanging in traction due to a wound affecting the wondrous, rainbow fetlocks of his front-left leg, then signaled for a nurse to administer additional morphine.
    British forces have expressed willingness to assist in the evacuation of the surviving Unicorns, but only a few of the animals have taken them up on the offer. The rest of the horned contingent feel that they need to remain behind and defend the floats, especially the “Rosebud Waterfalls Happy Family” float, which was made with upwards of 10,000 rosebuds carefully glued together with a mixture of Mermaid’s milk and Unicorn saliva*.
    Lebanese civilians, many of which are growing increasingly desperate, have indicated with some reservations that they are not against the possibility of slaughtering, cooking, and eating whatever Unicorns they can capture in the coming weeks. For Spike, Silver-Horn and Clippety’s sakes, one hopes it won’t come down to that.

* The process by which this mixture is created is a closely guarded and very pornographic secret**.
** Lets just say the Mermaids like Unicorns a lot more than the story books credit.

    Soon, my friends, I shall be a father for the second time. SafeTspawn shall inhabit the Earth incremented by one.
    Riley Louise Whited, as she will be known by her future followers, is scheduled to be removed from Heather’s uterus come 10am on Monday morning of next week.

    I hear you asking, ‘but SafeT, what does this mean to me?’
    Let me tell you. I’ll continue posting, but the posts will become less legible, far less plausible, and gain quite a bit of brevity.
    Here’s a sample AR* post from sometime next week:

Future SafeTinspector:It was at that moment I realized the air-conditioning was broken in the van again. And me with naught but a slab of tuna salad for lunch! I tell ya.

    Really. That’s all I’ll have time for once that wee lil’ bundle of lovin’ is among us. Here’s another to make it absolutely clear what you’ll be in for if you should tune in next week, say, Wednesday:

Future SafeTinspector:Would you hold it against me if I just did a short post?

    Cool! That was awesome! Do another one, sez you. Aw, ok. Just understand that each one I post this week comes off your allowance next week**.

Future SafeTinspector:This one time, I visited my parents and found my step-dad was out back fishing. Even though they own a beagle, he had a bowl full of dirt and worms with the word “kitty” written on the side. It was so wonderful I didn’t dare request an explanation, opting instead to stick my fingers in the squirmy loam and soak in the moment.

    That’s it! No more sneak peeks. Now that you’ve all been pre-indoctrinated into the world of my future self as a serial-intentional-genital-procreator, I’m going to bed. There will be more to come.

* AR=After Riley. This is short for Anno Rilius Dominus, which is just some bullshit latin-sounding stuff I came up with to play off of the phrase Anno Domini I learnt from watching 1950′s cinematic costume dramas.
** You and your sister are entitled to two to three posts per week.
*** Looking for Closure? Sorry, I am still working on its permanent home. If I don’t have this damn thing ready by Saturday, I’ll post a regular episode here.

Looking for Closure? I drastically modified Episode 22.5, making it Episode 22.75. Now with Better Prose, and Amusing Footnotes! In the meantime…
    Here are the FREE software tools that SafeTinspector uses the most, what he uses them for, and why he thinks you should check them out*.

- Stuff we ALL can enjoy -
Mozy.com: a web-based backup program, Mozy.com will back up as much as 2GB of data for free. Increased space is quite affordable, but most of my essential data is text and spreadsheets–I may never need more. It synhcronizes your data with their web storage and once the initial backup is complete it can do further updates in almost no time. You must agree to a weekly newsletter for the free version, but they promise not to sell your name.
Why, SafeT?    Honestly, when was the last time you backed up?
OpenOffice: OpenOffice is an office suite which is probably as good as Microsoft Office and is %100 less expensive. Its file compatible with Microsoft as well, so you can create and share files with people who are still afflicted with MSOffice.
Why, SafeT?    Its free! And slightly smaller and less misshapen than MSOffice.
FireFox: You already know about this, I’m sure, but FireFox is an excellent web browser which is lightweight, easy to use, and very customizable. Internet Explorer wishes it looks like this. (Really, it does! Internet Explorer 7 beta looks a lot like FireFox.)
Why, SafeT?    Two words-tabbed browsing.  Two more-no ActiveX.
7-zip: A fine compression tool, 7-zip supports most compression standards, and nothing compares to the efficiency of its “ultra” compression mode.
Why, SafeT?    Better compression than WinZip with 100% less nagging.
Audacity: This free program is an excellent multi-track audio editor as well as a cracking good way to create MP3 files. I’ve used it for all my SafeT’unes.
Why, SafeT?    Yo, like, its mix-a-licious, baby.
FileZilla: this is an excellent FTP client. It supports site definitions, which allows you to create ‘presets’ that include local directory, remote directory, user ID and password for every site you might need to communicate with using FTP.
Why, SafeT?    Unpretentious logo makes for a pleasant start menu.
AntiVir: A German product, AntiVir is an excellent antivirus program which has the added benefit of being completely free for personal use. A bit silly, the umbrella logo shows up in your task bar; opened to show that it is enabled and closed to show it is disabled. Further Teutonic ‘humor’ included for free is the file scanner which is called “Luke FileWalker”. Oh, those silly Germans.
Why, SafeT?    Antivir schützt Hasselhoff vor Viren.
the Gimp: this alternative to the oft-pirated PhotoShop is absolutely free. Not the easiest image editor on Earth, but neither is PhotoShop, really. I use it for all my image editing, admittedly not my strong-point in any case. There are also numerous free downloadable add-ons such as animation packages and filters. All free!
Why, SafeT?    Did you know Stephen Seagal played the Gimp in Pulp Fiction?
Gaim: a free multi-protocal instant messaging client, Gaim supports just about everything. You can use it with AIM, MSN, ICQ, Yahoo and more. Pretty small, too. Not as pretty as Trillian, but lighter and free’er.
Why, SafeT?    2 out of 3 pedophiles agree! Gaim is the best for multiple simultaneous cyber-sex sessions with gay men pretending to be 12yr old girls.
- Slightly more technical stuff -
HTML Kit: This is a fine editor. For HTML or JavaScript or whatever. It’s free to use, but you should license it if you find you really like it. It helps color code your code, making it easier to read. It also auto-completes common HTML tags and whatnot, helping reduce typo’s.
Why, SafeT?    I went on ascii trip to Colorado, and the whole thing was in color–really!
GMail Drive: this Windows extension allows you to use your GMail account as an actual storage device. Once installed and configured, GMail shows up as another disk drive under My Computer. Sweet, eh? Not fast, but functional.
Why, SafeT?    GMail’s a big bucket. Fill it with slop!
ISO Recorder: another Windows extension, this tiny add-on allows you to back up CDs and DVDs simply by right-clicking on them. Saves them in the industry standard ISO format. Under WindowsXP, it uses the OS’s native CDR support to write ISO files as well. Quicker than using EZ CD Creator or whatever.
Why, SafeT?    Honestly, when was the last time you backed up your CDs?
Cygwin: Cygwin is a bit like Linux, but it runs within Windows. A great way to get your feet wet with Unix-like environments, as well as an awesome free X-Windows environment and SSH client. Doesn’t require you to set up multiple-boot, or seperate partitions, or VMWare, or nuffin. Runs right off your regular drives within your Windows operating system.
Why, SafeT?    Because you’re a dirty geek and you know it. Oh, yeah, you’re a filthy little geek.**

* This sentance was written in third-person with the intention of scaring small children.
** You’re trying to turn me on, aren’t you… Stop… C’mon, no… I’m not in the mood, really… No means no! Oh… well… that does look good; ok, just one more byte. Its getting warm in here, isn’t it? Maybe I should take this shirt off.

    The UPS man, who admitted his name was Dan, reluctantly assisted me in getting the huge crate into my living room after having shown even less interest in returning it to his van. I’d spent most of that time of struggle worrying about holding my bathrobe together and my body covered; I was more or less successful–with the exception of the crispy peek-a-boo shoulder which was beyond any mortal help at this point.
    Throughout his visit I avoided the eyes of the brown-shirt. I felt his inquiring stare needle unspoken questions at my rough form.
    What’d you order from the Franklin Mint, buddy?
    What’s with the holy bathrobe, guy?
    Why do you smell like a coffee soaked ashtray, dude?
    None of your business, man.
    Soon I stood alone in my living room with the towering wooden box, just looking at the damn thing and furtively glancing out the living room window occasionally just in case either Bruce or Gail should choose this moment to make an appearance. The street remained empty. Eventually I examined the box and found a small windowed pouch on one side. A packing slip! I tore at the little bag impatiently.
    Covering the packing slip was a letter, printed on fine stationary. I opened it with not a small amount of reticence and began to read.
    Dear Collector,

    Yours sincerely,

    G.H. Davis
    Manager Collector Services
    ghd/jg

* Nerderus was a member of the Roman Senate during the time of Julius Ceasar and was famous for developing new methods of using an abacus to numerically simulate historical battles. His final such simulation was a recreation of the climactic Battle of Zama during the second Punic War.
After three repetitions of his experiment each concluded with not only the historically inaccurate defeat of the Romans, but with the extremely unlikely sacking of Rome**, he was put to death in front of a group of weeping classical mathemeticians.
** Unlikely in that the battle took place in North Africa.