Baby Sounds and Sex Education
 Following the inarguable premise that all creatures want to listen to the sounds made by other creatures of their own species, there is available for sale these albums called “Baby Sounds,” or “Happy Baby Sounds.” They are intended to entertain your young, inarticulate offspring.I have several problems with these things. First, filling an entire CD with cooing, babbling, razberrying children’s noises borders on the edge of Geneva convention defiance. They probably pipe this stuff into the recreational areas at Gitmo**. Second, they seem completely artificial. Considering the dense coverage of wall-to-wall babbling embodied in one of these recordings, I have no choice but to believe the sounds were either generated by hopping infants up on meth-emphetamines or by condensing 8 hours of noise into five minutes. Either way its a sham of ga-ga, poo-poo proportions. Lastly, the entire idea behind this is hogwash*. Forcing a baby, who is doing his or her best to learn about verbal communications, to listen to other kids struggling with the same task is confusing at best and regressive at worst.  See, when I was a teenager I desperately wanted sex. Oh, man, did I want sex. But I really didn’t know how it worked.So to learn how it was done I read and watched instructional materials in which professional actors and actresses had sex repeatedly with one another. It was filmed from various educational angles and dubbed with various positive reinforcement cues such as, “yeah, baby, just like that,” and “you like it like that, don’t you, you filthy bastard!” If, instead, I was forced to watch 14 year olds fumbling at eachother in their parent’s basements, I think I would be a far less effective lover today.  So if you want a college student who sits in his dorm muttering, “Ba-ploo! Boo-ba-doo-ba-doo! Phft-phft-phft, hee hee hee!” then by all means buy this crap and play it for your poor child.But if you, like me, want to raise the future benevolent dictor of mankind, then I would recommend you buy an audiobook of Machiavelli’s The Prince. |
* Bausch and Lomb Hogwash–Now Mit Lanolin!
** You know, the dirt patch between row 5-H and the shower stalls?
Posted in Uncategorized by SafeTinspector on June 30th, 2006 |
10 comments
Oh! that is so F**king funny.!!! damn I love you, sometimes.
Not in that way, tho.
My parents played my brother whale sounds while he was in utero. He’s now a tub of lard with a hole in his head. I was responsible for that last bit.
l>t:Aw….thanks. I wuv you sometimes but not in that way, too!
Foot Eater:How does your family cope with the difficult storage requirements of the tub-of-lard-cum-sibling?
haha! you don’t think porn offers up a distorted view of sex?
well.. i suppose that kind of depends on what sort of porn it is.
Sarah:Well… no! I think all sex involves flimsy premises and ends with a screen fade. At least, it always does in my house.
so did you acually read this book?
Foot Eater – you trepanned your brother! I knew there was a confession somewhere in that post you did a while back.
SafeT, your post reminds me of that bit in MP’s “The Meaning of Life” with John Cleese and his wife showing his class how to have sex. I think there was more instruction for the yoof in the olden days -women and men retiring each to their respective huts/castles/teepees to tell the young’uns how to please their lovers. A jolly good idea, in my view.
l>t: The Prince? I listened three times to the unabridged audiobook version. (I drive a lot). It was interesting, but a lot more than what you might think is filled with historical minutia that is unapproachable for the simple reason that the events he references have passed from the normal curriculum of non-classical history majors.
He uses lots of political/military scenarios from Roman and Greek history as justifications for his many statements. Its hard to ‘get’ these references, and many of them are dubious anyway.
Ultimately the book boils down to:
A: Effective rulers do not necessarily cow-tow to every whim of the people, but take actions they consider in their best interest.
B: Mercenaries are BAD. ..he really seems to blame mercenaries for every failure of the ‘modern’ Italian city state.
He gets a bad rap because some of his passages seem to endorse a sociopathic autocracy. This rap is only partly unjustified.
Sam:I agree! I was tutored by a 35 year old divorcee when I was 20. Best education I ever got!
Let’s play ‘guess what SafeT drives’. My pick is a 70s Ford Gran Torino like David Starsky.
Close! I own a 1973 Buick Centurion convertible.
Its not my daily driver, however. That honor goes to a screaming yellow 2007 Ford Focus 4-door hatchback with a manual transmission. I’ve only had that car for about a month, however.
For those of you in the UK, the US Ford Focus is the old UK Ford Focus. You understand?
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