Happy Birthday Card Philosophy
The average sentimental greeting card embodies a certain elevated level of sweetness that makes me feel like flossing again, and how sincere can a sheet of cardboard be, really? Hallmark can’t properly express the human heart for $1.95 and a pink envelope. In fact, I only believe greeting card sentiments when they appeal to the base appetites.
That’s why long ago I vowed only to buy the sorts of greeting cards that have half-naked women and sports cars on them. It tends to confuse my Mom and anger my wife, but I’m a man of my convictions. Here is the transcript of a card I gave my Mother for her birthday:
Cover:
“They’re Gorgeous! They’re Sexy! They’re Single!”
Inside:
“You’re now old enough to be their father. Happy birthday!”
Looking for Closure? I posted Part 18 yesterday, in which our narrator gets naked and takes a shower. Exciting!
…old enough to be their father. What?! That confuses me, I’d hate to imagine what your mum thought. But still, as long as they’re sexy women in skimpy costumes I guess it’s OK.
funny. I have a greeting card phobia. I hate the sappy things. BUT, my husband agonizes over the sweet & gushy ones for me. AHH, you gotta love that.
I on the other hand go for rank comedy. The joke.
Rich:Alright, so the card was originally intended for men the age of 40 or over. The attractive women on the cover are about 20 years old. The birthday boy is supposed to get excited by the girls on the cover and then become quite depressed when he realizes how old he is in comparison to the women.
l>t: One year I made cards with some glue, glitter, construction paper and a scalpel. They were generally well received and I got much more satisfaction from the process.
scalpel? couldn’t find the scissors?
hehe ~ i have to admit it, I have gone through the handmade greeting card phase myself ~ in fact, I claimed to hubby that of course, the reason I had to all of those supplies, rubber stamps, card-stock, etc, was to make greeting cards, and this would, in the long run *save us money*. He guffawed. Loudly. In fact, he said, “look, if you want to do it for a hobby, or for fun, ok, justify it that way, but please, odn’t try to tell me we are going to *save money* doing it. That won’t wash.” Why is he so right about stuff like that?
l>t:Easier to cut stencils out that way…
redhead:I justified it as being “more inherently sincere than a store-bought greeting card”.
So which of those babes is the daughter we don’t know about, hmmm?
BTW, your post about Heather’s PJs was EXCELLENT. Pudding night–that was a good one.
Poops:Heh, I’m only 34 this year. I suppose if I’d not been a virgin until I was 21 I’d grant a possibility…
And as for Heather’s PJ’, well! You were browsing the stacks, weren’t you! ‘Course, at 7 months pregnant the jammies are a little different these days.
You know, Joe, I made a greeting card for my fifth-grade teacher one time.
It said, “Thank you for keeping my pencil sharp. Signed, Charles.”
She slapped my face and called me a “filthy little pig”; ever since then I buy cards, throw them at the recipient, and run like hell.
wow. what an awesome downer. i’m chuckling with glee, though.
Poops: That’s what is called “negative reinforcement,” and is the nearest thing behvaioralists have to “the dark side.” I feel for you and those you pelt with greeting cards.
Trans:Yes, imagine my Mother’s shock.
HAHAHA i have issues with cards to i used to ONLY write my own like buy a card with a picture or some shit on it totally over priced but yet not cause it is someones art so i wouldn’t buy it if i didn’t LOVE it but now im getting lazy and tend to go with something more along the lines of what you do in fact adam proposed with 6 or 7 different cards i’d have to dig them out but so sweet cause some were of course totally retarded.
GusGreeper:One time I bought a box of kids valentines. You know, the kind that are about the size of playing cards and don’t fold up or anything?
I filled them with little notes saying, “I love you more than this item-you-just-found-this-card-in“
And I hid them throughout the house. For the next several months she continued to discover them in jars, drawers, cabinets, behind the toilette, under the sinks, under the laundry soap….
Yeah, I’m a dork.
You did not give me this card. But, I would have liked one with buff young males on the front. Though somehow that seems to be more inappropriate for my son to give me than the young sexy girls. lol. Wait till you see the card I bought for you. Mama
Heh-heh, it was a story. I’ll have to see how the card shakes out.
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