Are you looking for Closure? I posted part 15, in which we learn to beat a pinata, a few days ago. Part 16 should be up before Monday’s sun sets in Detroit.
    No new podcasts because allergies have me even more nasal than usual. If I clear up I’ll do another one.

    First, let me state the following: Purpose is intrinsically linked to efficient function. Take a gun, for instance. Its purpose is immediately apparent to the dispassionate observer based on its form and function.

• The Primary Purpose of a Gun: Emptying Jars.
  • The entire workings of the gun are clearly dedicated to the task of emptying jars.
    1. It elegantly induces rapid combustion of the materials inside a tiny jar, causing them to explode, emptying the jar.
    2. It then quickly discards the jar lid out the end of a narrow waste chute and ejects the emptied jar from the chamber to make way for another lamentably full one.

    There are ancillary purposes to be sure, and I’ve heard some fools claim that the purpose of a gun is to kill, or possibly to poke holes in targets. While I don’t deny that someone holding a gun can, if they hold it with the waste chute directed toward a target, produce that effect, I believe it is clearly a perversion of the original purpose. Those fools claim that because a gun can be used to shoot targets or to kill, then shooting and killing make up its whole reason for being!
    If you were to use that logic to determine ultimate purpose, you would inevitably come to the conclusion that the purpose of a thermos full of vegetable shortening is to act as a proxy vagina in a public restroom setting. That logic is faulty.
    The truth is that you can not arbitrarily pick and choose from amongst the possible actions of an entity in order to determine its purpose. The behavior and/or propensity of an entity should be statistically tabulated and the most frequently encountered and most simplistically described function must be accepted as its purpose. Occam demands no less of us, and I demand no less of you.
    At first, I was troubled by this method of ascribing meaning. It seemed, on the surface, that it would actually compell me to determine that the true purpose of the aforementioned gun is to remain in a nearly constant state of rest inside a locked cabinet or leather pouch. All one needed to do, however, to eliminate this boondoggle is to remove the element of time from the equation.
    Time is not an event, it is a string upon which events are hung like so many hippie beads in a really groovy curtain. If you think that the purpose of an entity is determined by which of its beads remains on the string longest, then one will likely find that the purpose of the modern automobile is to cover a portion of a driveway or car-park. But if you instead take all those beads off the curtain and count them without worrying about their original placement on the string, you will discover the much more intuitive and believable truth; that the true purpose of the modern automobile is to protect pavement from being struck by bird poop. Therefore, it isn’t how much time an entity spends on any one activity, it is how often an entity engages in that activity.
    How does this logic structure relate to my new religion? Not so fast! First, let me tell you that my flawless logic has finally provided a definitive answer to the age-old question:

• Eat and Drink
  • Especially if you count each bite as individual events, this is by far our most important function in the cosmos.
• Produce tears, spit and sweat
  • Clearly our number two purpose on Earth–unless you weren’t counting each bite individually above.
• Urinate
  • As a species, we seem uniquely capable of producing waste water.
• Defecate
  • Packaging solids and delivering them out into the world is a holy part of our existance.

    Before I continue, I will defend my choice of not including the act of breathing in the previous list. It may seem odd that I include gland secretions, but not breathing. This is completely explainable, however.
    Anyway, now I am ready to tell you about my New Religion.

    The tenets of my religion begin with the following points of faith:

• God designed the Universe like an amazing game of snooker. We are merely the result of a push stroke near the baulk-line.
• He made EACH of us for a specific purpose.
• That purpose is to eat, weep, spit, sweat, piss and shit.
• Any purpose assigned by God is, by His very will, a holy thing.

    Once you have accepted God’s purpose into your heart, and realize that your bodily functions are your holy mission on Earth, then you can proceed toward acceptance of the following:
    Definition of Goodliness: In order to please God and gain celestial reward, a human must

• Successfully eat at least one bite of food
• Weep one tear
• Spit (or swallow a mouthful of spit) once
• Sweat enough to dampen one or more body parts
• Urinate at least one time
• Poop as little as one nugget

    If one follows these edicts, then one has fulfilled His divine will on Earth and is thereby assured a place in Heaven on His right hand. His left is reserved for dealing with His own cosmic bodily functions.
    Definition of Badliness:

• Not eating, or trying to prevent oneself or others from eating, is a sin.
• Dry mouth without special papal dispensation is a mortal sin. Dry eyes likewise. God advises that you carry a canteen of water to swill and a bottle of eyedrops as being necessary to avoid eternal hellfire. Pack them in your God-pouch!
• Antiperspirant is strictly forbidden!
• Holding in your water for more than five minutes after feeling the urge to pee is a mortal sin. All adherants should have an egg timer in their God-pouch. If it dings, pee immediately, no exceptions.
• Laxatives are forbidden, and severe constipation is to be interpreted as God withdrawing His presence from your life. Suicide is the proscribed solution to constipation.