10,000 Hits And the Battle of the Muzak.
Hey! Lookit my hit counter! Sometime in the last two or three days it quietly ticked over the ten thousand mark.
Did you know I had a website from 1998 until 2002 and it only recorded about 600 hits total? You can still see that lame-as-hell old page by visiting the Wayback Machine at the Internet Archive.
I must, however, provide you with the following disclaimer regarding my current 10,000 hit count: I estimate that between 500 and 1000 of those hits are probably me checking my own page. A large portion of the rest are people referred to my blog through poorly constructed google searches regarding safe sex, WNIC and kitty cat skull harnesses. But still, I mean, really!
Today I had a first-time-ever experience that I just have to share with you. During the course of business I found myself on the phone in a conference call with a fellow from SBC* as well as Mr. McEchelsteinski**, a fellow working for one of our client companies. The client had a problem with SBC and didn’t speak obnoxiouslazybastard. I happen to be fluent in both blowingsmokeupyourass and obnoxiouslazybastard, so I was called upon to act as an interpreter.
Pretty soon I had the SBC fellow on the defensive–any minute he would be forced to actually help us. In a last desperate attempt to weasel out of justifying his existance, he put us on hold to talk to his supervisor.
My client and I sat and listened to a static-impregnated instrumental rendition of James Taylor’s “How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)” for a number of seconds totaling more than five and less than one hundred and twenty.
Honestly, I lost myself in the music and the moment. As the song ended and was replaced by an equally white-noise infused instrumental version of Air Supply’s “Making Love (Out of Nothing at All),” Mr McEchelsteinski spoke.
”Joe, you mind if I put you on hold?”
”Uh…ok.” Soon I was hearing another completely different muzak arrangement. I think it was Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain.” You probably already knew that by now***.
With a growing sense of hopelessness and horror, my sanity ran out of my ears and gathered in a puddle next to the stolen tape dispenser on my desk. I was in a three way conference call with two competing variants of watered down pop music. Normally I can sing along with muzak in self defence. But…
DJ’s mix music together so that they blend into a nifty sounding combination. They line up the beats of the various tunes, sometimes speeding up or slowing down one or more tracks so that they all match. Really cool, but fairly difficult. When it goes wrong, when the music doesn’t match, the cacophenous result is called a “Train Wreck.”
To extend that metaphor way beyond its design specification advises, I will begin by reminding you of the 1995 sarin gas attack on a Japanese commuter train. This conference call was a little like that, but with far fewer tragically dead strangers I never knew or cared about and with far more annoying pop tunes disastrously clashing against eachother and my ears.
I bit my lip and screwed my eyes shut. Eventually a recorded voice, a pleasantly nuetral female, replaced the music on one of the hold lines. She began telling me how important my call was to her, and how all of the representatives were really sorry that they were too busy to talk to me.
Before she finished, an almost identical voice fired up on the competing hold line to tell me how my client’s company is the leader in their business and that they have many services to offer me if I would just wait a few minutes for someone to come and talk at me.
I sensed a competetive edge to their voices. I figured a cat fight was in the offing. Was there, really? Was there?
* Formerly Ameritech
** Not his real name.
*** If for no other reason than that I told you it in the immediate preceding sentence.
**** Yes, I know that I’ve used that picture of me on the phone before. It fits, so deal with it.
The secret to hold music is that it isn’t actually there to keep you entertained. It’s there to annoy you into hanging up the phone so that the operators don’t actually have to deal with your call.
what i hate are atomated voices that are supposed to react to & understand your voice. It’s creepy to talk to them. esp, when they don’t understand you & keep asking you to repeat yourself. They encourage you to talk to them like they are human, & if you cuss at them they don’t get it & ask you to repeat yourself. I always end up hanging up on them.
What could be sexier than a robotic female cat fight? Maybe the picture on the last post? Is Mrs SafeT out of town?
Arth:You must deal with technical support on a regular basis. Most lay people don’t know that secret.
l>t:Yes, the guys in my office know when I’m talking to one of those, because I usually begin screaming in a nice, slow, talking-to-the-retarded tone of voice.
rich:Hmmm….I’ll take the robotic female cat fight. Easier to explain to the wife if I get caught with one.
Tech support is an oxymoron.
I talked to one of those automated help lines, and the final question was something like, “Did that fix your problem?”
I replied, clearly and distinctly in both English and Spanish, “No.”
“Thank you, I’m happy that we could help!” the Voice sing-songed, and then promptly disconnected.
Woe to I that I couldn’t even get a lazy bastard to come to the phone.
P.S. I figured it out by myself, thank you.
I just read your anonymous 27 link.
Best banter I’ve come across on blog so far.
Too bad he had to die. But, being a man, he let it go to his head.
Thanks that made my day!
I was on the point of moaning and calling you a lazy, recycling, B’stard, when I noticed your quadrupal asterisk comment.
No one likes a smartass Joseph.
I want my hold voice to sound like the robotic announcer from Half-Life.
Kind of like a mix of Stephan Hawkins and William Shatner.
“Arth:You must deal with technical support on a regular basis. Most lay people don’t know that secret.”
Not really. I avoid it whenever possible. But a couple of years ago, I had some trouble with my computer, which was still under warranty at the time. In a saga that spanned about three months or so, I spent enough time listening to hold music and navigating labrynthine phone menus to last a lifetime. I am therefore exempt from dealing with tech support ever again.
The simple lesson I learned was never pay the extra three hundred dollars for the extended warranty. Ultimately, it’s less of a hassle to pay somebody to fix the damn thing.
poops:Spill it, what company’s technical support treated you so foul? We can all call them up and leave them on hold…
l>t: As an experiment, 27 anonymous was quite the failure at the time. No one “got” the joke, which was intended to be a bit Kaufman-esque. I still don’t understand how anyone took his insane over-the-top insults personally. 27anon was so clearly insane…it was a failure of mine that I didn’t see the problem; of which there must have been at least one.
DrM:I knew you’d take me to task for it, but I didn’t have any other pictures of me on hold. As for people liking smart-asses, I’ve been told I’m more obnoxious than smart-assed.
Tomas: Hey, TQ! Long time no type! I want my on-hold to sound like the suit computer. She’s HOT!
Arthbard:But, sir, without this extended warrantee you may have to pay out of your own pocket. Look at this handy chart, which shows some of the typical costs a computer owner might have to go through during a normal three-year period:
Replace Entire Computer: $5000.65
Replace Hard Drive and Reload Software: $896.33
Adjust Magnaframulator: $56,786.21
Avoiding Technical Support Operator: Priceless
Kaufman! I loved that crazy gleam in his eyes. He was over the top.
Yeah, your persona was going there.
One thing I liked about 0le 27 was, the visuals were great. Everytime I imagined him I had to crack up.
Want to listen to my phone voice message !!!?
So, did they ever come back?
l>t: So.. in your mind was 27 anon a handsome man?
Robin:As a matter of fact, yes. And the problem has now been resolved to the satisfaction of all the parties involved, excepting SBC, of course. Nothing is able to satisfy their morale challenged staffers.
I’ll go read it again & tell you.
well before that I will say he was a comic figure.
Oh lordy, laffed my ass off again. What i find funny is he never let off it. Like sticking it in their face all the time, & no one really wanted to touch it but they couldn’t take their minds off it. It was like some primal thing with those guys like they thought someone with a large penis COULD acually turn them into a girl. I could see it was very intimadating to them. The blog illustrates so well into how men think about their manhood. I listen to my husband & son talk so I know the score with you guys & size.
I on the other hand as a woman could be frightned by that thing but, not intimidated.
I just find it hilarious to think of someone chasing people off with his penis.
L>T: I’m flabbergasted! No one ever liked 27Anon! He got me kicked off Anti-Barney’s blog for life! Well, perhaps someday his ghost will visit you.
His ghost huh? well that would be a trill. I must stop with this train of thot, as Im tightly wownd as it is.. ;} wownd? see? my thinking process is being affected.
“But, sir, without this extended warrantee you may have to pay out of your own pocket.”
In addition to spending far too much time fumbling through tech support hotlines, keep in mind that, after sending my computer in for repairs, it came back to me with far worse problems than I’d sent it in with a grand total of three times, culminating with a badly cracked LCD screen that the company resisted fixing on the grounds that it was physical damage and therefore not covered by the warranty.
It was weeks before I finally managed to convince someone that the screen had not been cracked when I sent it to them (the company and I had moved past hotlines and onto a faxing basis by this point). I don’t think anyone will blame me if I say I’m pretty much put off the idea of warranties, now.
Where can I get a stolen tape dispenser?
Congrats on the hundred hundred hits, SafeT. I popped my 10,000 cherry while I was AWOL from my blog. Typical.
Arth: I agree totally. The only warrantees I buy are more along the lines of insurance. “If its lost or stolen, we’ll replace it.”
Guess what happens if it begins to malfunction? Neither do I, as far as they are concerned.
jagd:I got mine from Janell’s desk. She may have replaced it since then, shall I ask?
Foot:Yes…. somehow I thought it would feel differently. I felt the same way about turning thirty. Now I’ll be 34 in a few days…
cat fights are a very interesting thing. they need more studies done.
Hi! I did a clown thing at the local parade yesterday. You inspired me to try a little “Andy Kaufman” style humor.(Thanks) I’ve posted some pics & a little bit about it on my blog.
Gus: Catfights are often seemingly viscious, but they are very rarely deadly.
l>t:Really! I’ll check it out!
Easier to explain? Surely you could just say ‘it is for health reasons’. Who wouldn’t want their husband to be healthy?
the ones i’ve been in, i can only look back on and laugh. really what else can you do??
well, i’m glad you made it out of that muzak-automated-voiceover hell safet.
a lesser man may not have survived with the mental health required to tell the tale quite so articulately.
and congrats on your hit count!
Rich: I’m afraid to admit it, but I’ve lost track of the conversation and don’t know what you’re talking about. Help me out!
Gus:You could rub your scars and cry a little.
Shoopska:I am truly a survivor.
Did you know if you Google SafeTinspector, you come up with over 13000 pages upon which your aka is mentioned, and they are all you, there is no other SafeTinspector out there. On the other hand, there are several other Joe Whited’s, mostly in Texas, and only a little over 600 pages with that name on Google saved pages. Now, is that 10000 hits on your main blog or all the blogs you have? See you later, Ma
SueLou:They are all my posts on all my blogs, all my comments on this and other blogs, some of my old newsgroup postings, and some links to me here and there. It isn’t as impressive as it sounds, really.
But I did do well to pick a psuedonym that is as unique as it appears to be.
Trackbacks