Revenge Advice
Someone recently asked me* the following arbitrarily paraphrased question:
Dear SafeTinspector, what you would do to annoy a disagreeable neighbor who is about to lay down a new and expensive lawn? It is now ready for the sod.
I have thought on this topic often, and here is my best answer:
First, visit with your neighbor on some pretext and serreptitiously disable any carbon monoxide alarms in his home. Leave and wait patiently until late at night. Plug his furnace exhaust chimney with damp rags. To speed things along, tape around his windows and doors.
Wait until morning, and collect his remains from the bedroom (remember to air out the house before entering it)
Dress him up in too-small women’s clothing and then forge a suicide note in which he confesses that Michael Oakeshott has been speaking to him from a cleverly concealed speaker implanted in the head of his penis. Further, the letter should read, every time he had an erection the voice of Oakeshott would extol the virtues of furnace efficiency.
Staple this note to the center of his cold forehead and lay him out in the yard the morning the sod is to be installed.
Retreat to your home and await the arrival of the landscape workers.
You may wish to have a camera at the ready to capture the ensuing hilarity.
* well, me and anyone else visiting the Vaporize Barney blog.
I admire your ingenuity, when it comes to practical jokery.
Excellent, SafeTinspector. Hope you don’t mind if I file that one away for possible use when my neighbours start getting on my nerves.
i already tried it. it doesn’t work. use fish instead of damp rags
Why am I the only one who found that scary?
RoboShrub:Its a hobby of mine.
FootEater:Why wait? Use it preemptively. You know they’ll eventually annoy you, no use in giving them the chance.
Michael the Tubthumper:Truly? What do you use the hold the fish together? I must admit, that’ll throw the phorensics guys for a loop.
Dan: Because you are the only one with what is traditionally known as “sanity”
I’ve never been told I have sanity before, normally I’m told how mental I am. Must just be my on-line image that comes across as normal.
Its the chest hair. Screams “normal.”
you are too funny man!
Why not just poison his soil so the sod fails? Do it enough times and he will get discouraged and move. Of course you could also play loud obscene Rap music toward his house after midnight every night, but put it on a timer so that it is off before the cops get there. Worked at least once before, remember Manual Noreaga. If it doesn’t work, try Dankeshane by Wayne Newton or that old standard, A Boy Named Sue. Gets um every time.
Thats nice that is,I thought I was getting CONFIDENTIAL advice,And you get 8 comments out of it.
Sarah: Grazi!
SueLou:Manual? …I think my method was much more final.
AB:You solicit advice on a publicly accessible website and expect confidentiality? You need some of Dan’s ‘sanity’.
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