Archive for January, 2006

Meme Play 2

Posted on January 30, 2006

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The creeping MEME approaches. This meme, unlike guerilla warfare, suicide bombs and extra large beverage sizes, is comparatively harmless and will merely result in your being subjected to a list of mindless trivia concerning SafeTinspector.
To make this easier on you, I’m employing collapsible lists. Click on the “SFT” bullets to expand the meme element you are inexplicably drawn to.

Name Seven Films, SafeTinspector. And link them to their IMDB entries in case readers are curious.

Mom and Dad Save the World
- With Eric Idle and an antagonist named Emperor Tod Spengo, you can’t go wrong.
Groundhog Day
- Bill Murray undergoes metamorphosis and emerges from his chrysalis to discover he has become the hearth god of a small mid-western town.
The Blues Brothers
- Jake and Elwood Blues choose their mother’s wedding as the moment at which they announce their terminal cancer. Jake is surprised to find that his girlfriend is pregnant with, apparently, a bag of lemon flavored cough lozenges.
Orlando
- Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton’s best work. New Biology instructor Nick and his wife Honey visit the campus home of burned-out History professor George and his nasty wife Martha. Hilarity ensues!
The Princess Bride
- A morality play which endeavors to teach that arranged marriages can grow into loving relationships despite the presence of a collection of pewter figurines in the marital home.
Dark City
- More of a radio play than a movie, due to the fact that the titular darkness is absolute and quite literal.
Mariah Carey’s Glitter
- Widely considered to be the greatest movie of all time, this story, set during World War II, deals with the relationship between an American night club owner named Rick Blain, his old flame Ilsa, and her husband, Victor Lazlo.

Seven Books. You can do this.

The Sound and the Fury, William Faulkner
- Cliche, I know. But Faulkner was America’s greatest author. He could wipe his ass with Steinbeck or Kerouac. But they are coarse, and his literary genius anus would be sore. That would not do.
Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson
- Who out-cyberpunks William Gibson? Neal Stephenson, that’s who! He’s into this alternative history crap now, but his science fiction was funny, clever, imaginative, and sublime.
Ender’s Game, Orson Scott Card
- Card’s best novel. It was all downhill after this one for our Mormon space cowboy.
The Egyptian Book of the Dead and Tibetan Book of the Dead, Egyptian and Tibetan all-college writing teams.
- The rivalry between these two teams of ancient collegiate writers is the stuff of legend. Following the unfortunate consumption of the Tibetan team mascot in a late night banquet hosted by the captain of the Egyptian team, the annual writing event was permanently canceled. But their works amuse readers centuries later.
the Peace War, Vernor Vinge
- The very opposite of proliferate, Vernor only publishes one novel every four to seven years or so. But they usually are very, very good.
the Discworld Series, Terry Pratchett
- Most overly prolific authors descend into a morass of crap. Piers Anthony, Robert Jordon, Terry Goodkind, I’m talking about you bastards. You all suck. But not Terry! Oh, sure, a couple books in the series are weaker than others, but he tries very hard to make each book sand alone and succeeds for the most part.
Hell, There’s Too Much Science Fiction and Fantasy In This List, SafeTinspector
- I’m outing myself as a geeky, dweeby, sf nerd. So be it. Leave me with my dignity and Spock ears.

Attractive..um.. city things?

There is only one attractive edifice on Earth. It is La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, Spain.
This is Gaudi’s greatest and most unfinishest work.
Its eventual completion will signal the end of mankind; we will have fulfilled our destiny and will therefore cease to be necessary.

You will die, SafeTinspector. What to do? What to do?

No I won’t. Bugger off.

Can you not do that which you wish you could do, and what are these things you can’t do but would?

Math
- I can’t fathom these numbers thingies.
Telekenesis
- If I could move things with my mind, I could probably use a calculator and then I wouldn’t need to figure out these friggin’ numbers thingies.
Clip my nails cleanly
- I’m tired of bleeding out my fingertips. please… make me stop… if only I could use an emery board…
Maintain a list of the last 27 actions I’ve taken
- Useful for auditing.
Form a symbiotic relationship with a friendly robot who can read my mind and loves me unconditionally from within an abdomenal socket.
- Yay! Let’s use my new robot friend to figure out these damn number thingies and then we’ll pop off to have a heart-warming adventure!
Dance and Sing for REAL
- As of now, I can only dance in the dark and sing in the rain. I’d love to be a private dancer but haven’t a thunderdome to my name.
…that was seven, right?

What are some of the common things you say?

That’s French
- Normally not a pejorative. In this I am proving I am not Republican.
I have a x inch penis.
- Where x is a value between 8 and 27.
- This is a baldfaced lie and is normally told to my wife, who knows better.
Basically
- Computer guys say basically a lot. We use it as a verbal pause button, and it usually prefaces information that patently is not.
- Next time you talk to a techie, count the number of times he says ‘basically’. You’ll be surprised!
This is Joe.
- I answer my phone a lot.
- I know in some countries it is customary to answer the phone by reciting your phone number, but that feels redundant to me and most Americans.
Hi, this is Joe from Integrated Data…
- I leave a lot of voicemail messages. They all start the same way and end in tears.
Who would win in a fight?
- Anytime I think of two coincident items or individuals I ask myself this very question.
- I once staged a fight between a bottle of horseradish sauce and a tin of dried curry.
That’s the second biggest monkey head I’ve ever seen!

My apologies to Ron Gilbert.

It is customary to tag some individuals and request that they complete this meme in return. I have selected the following:

* if you WANT to be tagged, tell me. I’ll tag you.

Comments (12)

Heather got a JOB!!!

Posted on January 27, 2006

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    Less than one month before her unemployment checks run out, she has finally obtained a job. Gainful employment!
    She shall work intake/placement at a private mental health agency, Team Mental Health System (TeamMHS).
    They hired her even though she made it clear she was pregnant and will be taking at least 12 weeks off starting the end of July.

Good:pays decently and it’s within her field, thereby validating all the University cla$$es.
Bad:It is deep in Detroit, very close to Detroit Receiving Hospital; a place once famous for having had the national title for most gunshot victims in a single year.
Well, Alright Then: It’s right next door to a police station, and the area is flooded with men in blue. In fact, the station she will be closest to is one that her father once worked at, and there are a few officers there who know her.

Comments (17)

Revenge Advice

Posted on January 26, 2006

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Someone recently asked me* the following arbitrarily paraphrased question:

Dear SafeTinspector, what you would do to annoy a disagreeable neighbor who is about to lay down a new and expensive lawn? It is now ready for the sod.

    I have thought on this topic often, and here is my best answer:
    First, visit with your neighbor on some pretext and serreptitiously disable any carbon monoxide alarms in his home. Leave and wait patiently until late at night. Plug his furnace exhaust chimney with damp rags. To speed things along, tape around his windows and doors.
    Wait until morning, and collect his remains from the bedroom (remember to air out the house before entering it)

Dress him up in too-small women’s clothing and then forge a suicide note in which he confesses that Michael Oakeshott has been speaking to him from a cleverly concealed speaker implanted in the head of his penis. Further, the letter should read, every time he had an erection the voice of Oakeshott would extol the virtues of furnace efficiency.
Staple this note to the center of his cold forehead and lay him out in the yard the morning the sod is to be installed.

Retreat to your home and await the arrival of the landscape workers.

You may wish to have a camera at the ready to capture the ensuing hilarity.

* well, me and anyone else visiting the Vaporize Barney blog.

Comments (11)

You simply MUST visit SafeT’unes.

Posted on January 26, 2006

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    No, I’m not pimping another unwelcome bit of piano playing.
    I retrofitted the SafeT’unes blog with the SafeTselector navigation system, but with a cool twist.
    Be a good bunch of dears and pop on over for a look.
    Let me know what you think, and don’t be afraid to give me advice.

Click HERE to go to SafeT’unes.
Good. That’s settled.

Comments (2)

Big Fat Gay Wedding

Posted on January 24, 2006

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My wife Heather, my daughter Samantha and I attended the wedding of Leslie and Colleen at the Cleary International Center in Windsor, Ontario this past Saturday: January 21, 2006.

Leslie, Heather’s aunt and a prominent Lesbian in the Detroit gay community, met Colleen about a year ago and, from what I’ve been told, they soon fell in love and very quickly decided that they wished to be married.

In Michigan, we not only don’t have legalized gay marriage, but our sizeable and vocal religious conservative movement put forth and passed a ballot initiative creating a state constitutional amendment specifically prohibiting same-sex marriages. The ACLU has, however, won a lawsuit preserving domestic partner benefits such as medical insurance and inheritance rights. Even this bit of progress is in danger, however, as there are those attempting to defeat this newly won protection in the courts and legislature.

This state of affairs is not so dire across the border in Canada however. There gay marriage is the law of the land as of late June, 2005. Not through any manipulatively worded ballot initiative, either. In the House of Commons gay marriage was legalized in a 158 to 133 vote.

So when Colleen and Leslie decided that they wished to be wed, there was only one option available to them: a brief migration to the land of the Maple leaf. Windsor, Ontario is Detroit’s sister city; a relatively small and painfully trendy town on the other side of the Detroit river. It is but a quick trip across the Ambassador Bridge (or through the Detroit-Windsor tunnel, if you are a mole). Not from our area? Windsor was famously featured in Micheal Moore’s documentary “Bowling for Columbine”, where it was revealed that the only murders there seem to be purpetrated by visiting Detroiters. Spread the love, Metro Detroit!

    So there was a wedding. The reverend…or pastor…or whatever the fellow was, conducted the ceremony in what I feel was an overly political tone. Seemed as if his sermon was more about gay marriage than their marriage, which I don’t think helps the cause.
    When the struggle is the message, then the struggle goes on. But if the marriage is the message, then the struggle is won.
    In any case, it was lovely in its own right, especially after the sermon was behind them and the vows were exchanged.
    Below is a picture of the newly married couple immediately after being pronounced wife… and wife.

the honorable…

Mrs. and Mrs.

the couple at the reception

    After the ceremony came the reception. The most remarkable thing about this gay wedding reception was how much it seemed just like any other wedding reception in America (or Ontario, as the case may be). There was a wedding couple dance followed by a wedding party dance.
    There was good food, of which I particularly enjoyed the pork roast with peach sauce and the garlic potatos.
    People tapped their glasses with spoons to goad the couple into kissing.
    We all ate cake.
    The DJ made us dance the Hustle, the Macarena, YMCA, and then all those willing to do so proceeded to boogie down to Cool and the Gang’s Celebration.
    People got drunk.
    People made fools of themselves.
    Eventually everyone went on their merry way and the evening drew to a close. We retired to our large-party-discounted hotel room at the adjoining Hilton, where Heather and I faught the attempts of the overly soft mattress to devour us whole while our daughter slept peacefully on the neighboring bed.

    In the morning I awoke to the ironic realization that our hotel, where the majority of the wedding guests stayed, was serving as a local launching point for last minute Conservative party campaigning in Windsor. Some party bigwig appeared in the lobby while I was passing through; he proceeded to photo op and rally his troops.
    Such is the difference between American and Canadian politics that we saw no body guards, and barely a fuss was made. Anyone know who this fellow was? Everyone standing in line to see him had “Harper” shirts on. (Stephen Harper is now the Prime Minister elect for the Conservative party.)
    I leave you with these images from the reception. Notice the lovely Detroit skyline, complete with Canadian Coast Guard cutter. Ironic…the only way to get a good view of Detroit is from another country.