Application For Gainful Employment. at SafeTinspector

Application For Gainful Employment.

We would like to extend our thanks and congratulations on your recent application to fill the opening within our pantheon of exceptionally gifted crime-fighting vigilantes/defenders of mankind.

In order to more efficiently process your application, we would like you to complete the following questionnaire. Keep in mind that there is no pass or fail, so please answer these questions to the best of your ability.

Section 1, Multiple Choice

Have you ever:

	Suffered a personal tragedy which drove you to a lifelong pursuit of justice or revenge?
	(may include untimely or unnatural death of a friend or loved one or possibly unjust torment by peers during a formative time period)
	Been created by a deity, scientist, shaman or corporate entity with the express purpose of fighting crime or defending mankind?
	Accepted a personal destiny that includes fighting crime or defending mankind for any other reason not listed here?
	If so, list reason here:

Your super powers are the results of:

	Genetic inheritance or mutation
	Special equipment worn on or around your body or vehicle.
	A collection of weapons with which you are particularly effective
	implants or internal organ replacements
	(non-cosmetic with the exception of artificial cleft-chin)
	Extensive physical training
	(possibly under the tutelage of a hermit or monk)
	Occult, magical, space-alien or psionic abilities
	(May include telekinesis, clairvoyance, telepathy, or exaggerated bodily functions like hyper-vurps)

Have you ever (check all that apply):

	Entertained thoughts of world conquest
	Violently slaughtered anyone, possibly consuming portions of their flesh
	Been considered a “super” villain, reformed or otherwise.
	Found that one or both of your parents were once or still are “super” villains.
	Suffered from black outs or unexplained loss of time, regaining consciousness within the ruins of a city or amidst screaming passersby.
	Enjoyed a Tic Tac or Altoids breath-mint

Section 2, Story Questions

You are purchasing breath mints at a gas station + convenience store called “Stop In ‘N Go” located on the outskirts of Newark, New Jersey when you witness a car-jacking at pump A3 (capable of both diesel and regular unleaded). The driver of the vehicle is wounded and wanders away in shock; the car-jacker drives away with the now-stolen 1994 Mazda Protege. Do you:

	Call 911 and report the car-jacking to the proper authorities
	Capture and detain the owner of the car because he or she has not paid for the gasoline.
	Capture and detain the car jacker, destroying the Mazda in the process.
	Capture and violently slaughter the car jacker, possibly consuming portions of his flesh.
	Switch from Tic Tac to Altoids and complete your original transaction

After extensive investigation, your sidekick has located the secret lair of your arch-enemy, the Borscht Prince, a malcontent who has wired explosive charges all over the city of Champaigne, Indiana. Unfortunately, shortly after transmitting the location to you, your sidekick was captured and you lost contact. Upon arrival, you are greeted not only by the Borscht Prince brandishing a detonator, but also by your sidekick who is now wearing a sugar-beet costume and menaces you with a large bottle of dijon mustard. Should you:

	Attempt to evade the mustard long enough to wrest the detonator away from the BP
	Jam the frequency used by the detonator, carefully render your sidekick unconscious and capture the BP
	Join the Borscht Prince and immediately begin excreting soup stock at his request
	Violently slaughter your disloyal sidekick, possibly consuming portions of his flesh.
	Offer a Tic Tac or Altoid to the Borscht Prince, proving to him that someone really does care and convincing him to free the Sugar-Beet and disarm the explosives threatening the citizens of Champaigne.

This is the end of our preliminary application process.
Please allow us a few days to review the answers to our questions as well as validating your transcripts and references. Good luck, and we look forward to helping you advance your career in the exciting world of vigilante justice/public defense!

Posted in Uncategorized by SafeTinspector on September 29th, 2005 | 7 comments

Commentary

Leave a response »

Red Hot Sexy Papa said on September 29th, 2005

i like that oops button!!!

Sanford R. Jones said on September 29th, 2005

Welcome to the world of superheroism, all who are accepted.

Sincerely,
Super Sanford

SUE LOU said on October 1st, 2005

I just stumbled upon an International Superhero. You can find him at: http://landofbadtea.blogspot.com/
I think you two may have a lot in common.

Rayne said on October 3rd, 2005

Where does one get those cool, non-destructable, color-coordinated, super-sexy oufits that super heroes and villains wear? I checked Walmart but no luck.

SafeTinspector said on October 4th, 2005

RHSP: Ooops!

Sanford: Skeletor is NOT a hero. Skull heads preclude his admission to the pantheon. Not since the mistake we made with Ghost Rider…

SueLou (Mom):But…but… he’s BRITISH!

Robin:I used to have Spiderman underoos!

Tomas_Quinones said on October 7th, 2005

Joe and Robin, I STILL have Spiderman underoos!

SafeTinspector said on October 7th, 2005

The girlies demand: PICTURES, TOMAS! PICTURES!

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