Archive for September, 2005

Serenity and My Inevitable Reaction

Posted on September 30, 2005

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If you don’t already know, SafeTinspector is a Science Fiction geek.
Not to the point of learning to speak Klingon or attending conventions and hoaring myself out for signatures, but certainly to the point where I frequently fantasize about cochlear implanted communication devices and I once seriously considered getting a barcode of my social security number on the back of my neck to prove a point.

What point that might be I wasn’t certain at the time and am even less certain now.

In the last ten years there have been two science fiction television series which I enjoyed tremendously. One of which was awesome as an epic but was hit-or-miss when taken in small doses. The other, ah….it was a science fiction orgasm from start to finish with only a few very minor and forgivable mis-steps.

The first was Babylon 5 seasons 2-4 (we won’t talk about seasons one and five).
The second was FireFly. Did you ever see FireFly? I watched all the episodes that aired on Fox, and I bought the series DVD set when it came out.

It was the Dark Time on Fox when FireFly was on the air. The emperor and his advisors were mad, and no one was brave enough to assassinate them and end their irrational, capricious and evil rule.
Shows were cancelled with little or no justification while others that were complete dreck were allowed to live long beyond the time when their rotten corpses should have been buried in the septic fields of Hollywood where the Pansies Grow Twisted. (I’m talking about YOU, John Doe)

FireFly was cancelled. I was quite upset. But some time later they released the series on DVD. Geeks asserted their collective consumer power and purchased the set en masse. World leaders viewed the development with alarm. Prime ministers, dictators, retarded presidents, regular presidents and cartoon Mafia kingpins mobilized their forces and soon a FireFly movie was in the offing.

Long story short: I went on a date with my wife last night. We saw Serenity, the FireFly movie. George Lucas, look at what Joss Whedon has done. He is handing you your ass. Do you accept your ass back? I think you should just leave it there, you don’t even DESERVE your ass back.
This is how characters should interact. This is how dialogue should work. Here is how to do a really great action scene without going all cartoony with the CGI.

It wasn’t a perfect movie, it wasn’t the greatest movie of all time (that honor goes to The Blues Brothers) but it is in the best movie I’ve seen in a theater since The Incredibles. I won’t do a review beyond this, though. I don’t want to give ANYTHING away to anyone thinking of attending a viewing in their area.

Well, friends, that was weird. Anyone who read the huge advertisement for Verizon services that originally appeared under this post please be aware that is a new development. I’ve posted from the phone many times in the past without incident, and now I have another reason to dislike the cell phone company

The rest of the date with Heather went really well. We had a nice dinner. We went home. We got romantic. We slept well. A wondrous Friday indeed.

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New Content on Sam’s Blog!

Posted on September 29, 2005

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Click HERE to see!

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Application For Gainful Employment.

Posted on September 29, 2005

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We would like to extend our thanks and congratulations on your recent application to fill the opening within our pantheon of exceptionally gifted crime-fighting vigilantes/defenders of mankind.

In order to more efficiently process your application, we would like you to complete the following questionnaire. Keep in mind that there is no pass or fail, so please answer these questions to the best of your ability.

Section 1, Multiple Choice

Have you ever:

	Suffered a personal tragedy which drove you to a lifelong pursuit of justice or revenge?
	(may include untimely or unnatural death of a friend or loved one or possibly unjust torment by peers during a formative time period)
	Been created by a deity, scientist, shaman or corporate entity with the express purpose of fighting crime or defending mankind?
	Accepted a personal destiny that includes fighting crime or defending mankind for any other reason not listed here?
	If so, list reason here:

Your super powers are the results of:

	Genetic inheritance or mutation
	Special equipment worn on or around your body or vehicle.
	A collection of weapons with which you are particularly effective
	implants or internal organ replacements
	(non-cosmetic with the exception of artificial cleft-chin)
	Extensive physical training
	(possibly under the tutelage of a hermit or monk)
	Occult, magical, space-alien or psionic abilities
	(May include telekinesis, clairvoyance, telepathy, or exaggerated bodily functions like hyper-vurps)

Have you ever (check all that apply):

	Entertained thoughts of world conquest
	Violently slaughtered anyone, possibly consuming portions of their flesh
	Been considered a “super” villain, reformed or otherwise.
	Found that one or both of your parents were once or still are “super” villains.
	Suffered from black outs or unexplained loss of time, regaining consciousness within the ruins of a city or amidst screaming passersby.
	Enjoyed a Tic Tac or Altoids breath-mint

Section 2, Story Questions

You are purchasing breath mints at a gas station + convenience store called “Stop In ‘N Go” located on the outskirts of Newark, New Jersey when you witness a car-jacking at pump A3 (capable of both diesel and regular unleaded). The driver of the vehicle is wounded and wanders away in shock; the car-jacker drives away with the now-stolen 1994 Mazda Protege. Do you:

	Call 911 and report the car-jacking to the proper authorities
	Capture and detain the owner of the car because he or she has not paid for the gasoline.
	Capture and detain the car jacker, destroying the Mazda in the process.
	Capture and violently slaughter the car jacker, possibly consuming portions of his flesh.
	Switch from Tic Tac to Altoids and complete your original transaction

After extensive investigation, your sidekick has located the secret lair of your arch-enemy, the Borscht Prince, a malcontent who has wired explosive charges all over the city of Champaigne, Indiana. Unfortunately, shortly after transmitting the location to you, your sidekick was captured and you lost contact. Upon arrival, you are greeted not only by the Borscht Prince brandishing a detonator, but also by your sidekick who is now wearing a sugar-beet costume and menaces you with a large bottle of dijon mustard. Should you:

	Attempt to evade the mustard long enough to wrest the detonator away from the BP
	Jam the frequency used by the detonator, carefully render your sidekick unconscious and capture the BP
	Join the Borscht Prince and immediately begin excreting soup stock at his request
	Violently slaughter your disloyal sidekick, possibly consuming portions of his flesh.
	Offer a Tic Tac or Altoid to the Borscht Prince, proving to him that someone really does care and convincing him to free the Sugar-Beet and disarm the explosives threatening the citizens of Champaigne.

This is the end of our preliminary application process.
Please allow us a few days to review the answers to our questions as well as validating your transcripts and references. Good luck, and we look forward to helping you advance your career in the exciting world of vigilante justice/public defense!

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Hard Start Bagman

Posted on September 26, 2005

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(Front counter of a fast food restaurant. Jim stands behind counter mopping. There is a speakerbox on the counter. Greg, Hard-Start and Brad enter the restaurant chained together at ankles. Hard-start is in middle. Jim stops mopping to look at the men)

HARD-START

Like to see you walk a mile in my damn shoes, which even Jolt Cola can’t buy! 12 is not 13. Besides, even my pelvis is hungry. Listen to it rumble!

(hands on hips, grinding)

BRAD

Man, I’m so hungry I was thinking of eating Hard-Start’s rat! Besides, we’re WAY ahead of those sheriffs.

GREG

(hissing)

Hard-start!

HARD-START

Hard-Start Bagman!

(smiles attentively)

BRAD

I thought we talked about this, Hard-Start! Me and Greg will do the talking, OK?

GREG

Right, so just stay quiet.

HARD-START

(stops as SOON as Brad calls his name)

I have amazing cosmic powers of silence-got it from an old mystic, they say. Taught to him by the three hair stylists of Cerberus, who were openning up a salon down on fourth street called “Snips N’ Giggles.” I assigned myself a quest that day,

BRAD

Its not that we don’t want to hear what you have to say, because that’s not it at all, HARD-START!

HARD-START

Bagman!

GREG

(tugging chains)

C’mon.

(They proceed to the counter. Hard-Start is mumbling quietly)

BRAD

(excitedly scanning the overhead menu)

Oh, man, I haven’t had Windees since I got busted! Didn’t you just love Windees when you were on the outside?

GREG

Not one of the reasons I craved freedom. I bet the lunch-lady’s used chewing tobacco had more nutritional value… and fewer carcinogens.

HARD-START

Oooooh! Bitch could SPIT!

JIM

Hey, are you guy’s escaped convicts?

HARD-START

We’re selling these fine leather jackets, and each one comes with a noisy pocket. I have this rat named Lenny in my pocket. Would a convict own a rat named Lenny?

BRAD

(incredulously)

What, us? No!

GREG

Whatever gave you that idea?

JIM

The chains. Some of the stuff you guys just said. And, above all, the fluorescent orange stripes up and down your uniforms.

GREG

(looking down at himself)

We’re…

HARD-START

Sock puppets?