Toxic Equivalence
Posted on June 28, 2005
Pop country music sucks.
There, I said it. Not really going out on a limb, but I feel as if I’m taking at least a slight risk making such a judgemental statement.
Some ass in a stetson, already angry because there’s no naked women on this page (not counting Milla Jovovich), with his pants around his ankles, a bottle in one hand and his johnson in the other, is even now spitting a mouthfull of Milwaukee’s finest all over his monitor and cursing me for questioning the quality of his chosen musical pursuit.
Sorry, Marlboro man, but pop country is musically boring, with songs that are virtually indistinguishable from one another, seem to always center on drinking, sexual bravado or sappy Hallmark Card sentimentality, and with an audience so white I gotta wear shades.
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But whilst watching a bit of CMT (Country Music Television, for those without American cable TV), I began having a strange feeling of deja-suck-vu. This suckiness happened to me before, didn’t it? I really think I’ve had this much suck on my TV once before…
I hereby posit that the current despicable pop-country music crop is socially equivalent to the pop-rock of the late 1980’s.
The same quality white-trash girlies throw themselves at the men, the same level of sexual bravado and hard-drinking is sung about and lived by the artists. The same trite, contrived songs are popularized and are often based on a single clever phrase or pun. (She’s My Cherry Pie = It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere)
There’s a few differences, and I’ve tried to provide you with an equivalence chart here. Please tell me if I’ve missed anything.
| Slutty Girls Screaming in Torn Jeans | Slutty Girls Screaming in Boot Cut Jeans |
| Music Videos are Overdramatic Mini-Movies | Overdramatic Music Videos Are Mini-Movies |
| 90% White Fan Base | 99% White Fan Base |
| All Lead Singers Required to Wear Randomly Placed Bandanas On Legs And Expose Their Chests/Stomachs | All Lead Singers Required to Wear Boots On Legs And Expose Large Belt Buckles |
| All Lead Singers Required to Grow Long Hair On Head | All Lead Singers Required to Wear Cowboy Hats On Head |
| All Band Members Drink Heavily, Smoke Dope | All Band Members Drink Heavily, Smoke Marlboros |
| Disinterested Observers Cannot Differentiate Between Bands’ Formulaic Music | Disinterested Observers Cannot Differentiate Between Bands’ Formulaic Music |
| Annoying Screechy Guitar Solo | Silly-Ass Slide Guitar or Screechy Fiddle Solo |
| Songs Either Brag About Band Member’s Sexual Prowess Or Complain About Romantic Misfortune. Sometimes They Tell An Inspirational Coming-Of-Age Story. | Songs Either Brag About Band Member’s Sexual Prowess Or Complain About Romantic Misfortune. Sometimes They Tell A Patriotic/Hallmark Card. |
| Hedonism, Mysogeny | Jingoism, Mysogeny |
| $Money$ | $Money$ |
Not sure how to equate the mandatory goatee/mustache on the country men to a similar feature of the late eighties.
Well, that’s it for now!
Disclaimer: I actually like OLD country. Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline, Willie Nelson. They don’t suck. Toby Keith, Garth Brooks, Shania Twain; they suck!
Comments
Wow! You actually did some analysis!
Well, I dislike country music too. I can’t distinguish a song from another. They all sound the same! Boring is the the most apt word.
Agreed. Johnny Cash rules, cos he’s a natural-born badass, but pretty much the other 99.9% of country music is utter shite.
I once asked a friend of mine why she had a passing interest in country music (she was born in Virginia, but I didn’t hold it against her), and she replied that it was the sweetest way that she knew to tell someone ‘I want to fuck you’.
Well, yeeHAAAAH?! *flings child-size ten-gallon hat into air*
David el gato:
Hey, baby, how about I pour chocolate pudding and honey down your pants, top that off with some caramel and rainbow sprinkles and then take you to my bed for a long….slow….confectioners convention.
Yep, that’s the sweetest way I know to tell someone “I want to fuck you.”
Y’know, I never got many takers with that pickup line, though? And I was being so sweet.
Suliana:
My wife thinks the same thing about blues music, which is one of the two or three genuine American art-forms, and is the ancestor of country.
I think the same thing about european techno.
Perhaps this is the auditory equivalent of the old bigot yarn “you all look alike to me.”
“Country,” sez I, “you all sound alike to me.”
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