The Universal Bottle Men (UBM)
If you live in Detroit, you’ve met the UBM.
Every city in the Metro Detroit Area has at least one UBM delegate issued to it by the Universal Bottle Man Authority–the shady and secretive organization that distributes UBM amongst our population.
Some theoretical theorists theorize that UBM are alien research students sent to study our culture and practice recycling. If this theory is true, we already know from their appearance that common soap may be an effective defense against any future full scale invasion.
Others speculate that they are time travelers from a future world without aluminum or polyethylene terephthalate*.
That they are organized is beyond doubt. They have uniforms, and are apparently issued field equipment:
- Uniform:Army surplus olive-drab or green jacket, filthy and tattered.**
- Code of Dress:Large unkempt white beard, oil/dirt smudged face.
- Standard issue transportation: Huffy*** ‘Cruiser’ three speed bicycle with saddle bags and/or oversized handlebar basket.
- Standard issue cargo pods:Hefty Cinch Sack or other large trash bag.
They are an undefined threat, and SafeTinspector is on the case.
I’ve attempted to follow a member of the UBM, to see if I could locate a congregation point or local base of operations. Unfortunately, the observed subject entered into a lengthy period of suspended animation after fueling up on alcohol byproducts obtained from A&B Wine, Liquor and Lotto in Eastpointe city, and I lost interest. I purchased a small bag of Fritos, but was forced to concede defeat when boredom overcame me and I was compelled to wander off to a local hardware store to buy wall anchors.
I need your help, citizens of Detroit Metro area and surrounding Urban Sprawl Zone Alpha! These mysterious entities may be harmless, but we can’t take chances that our recyclables will fall into the hands of malevolent beings.
* polyethylene terephthalate=Plastic Bottle Material
**Variations in shade are thought to denote rank amongst the UBM
***Other models, including tassels, banana seats, bells, and American Flags, have also been spotted in use by UBM emissaries
Back to the story…
There was one UBM constantly on campus back during my Wayne state days. He was never seen without two enormous bags brim-full of cans and bottles. He kinda resembled an alternate universe Kris Kringle, delivering empties to good boys and girls worldwide.
Furthermore, I don’t think he ever took a bath in his entire life.
I like the concept of the Kris Kringle.
Just imagine his filthy little homeless elves, endlessly emptying cans of softdrinks and beer into their unregistered waste runoff facility, then rubbing dirt and urine into the plastic and tin to prepare the empties and give them a chic “lived-in” look.
After that, its onto Santa’s shopping cart and off to all the needy people in the world…
Ho ho ho.
Drink, drink, drink.
Of course, there are UBW’s as well. These females are usually a little better dressed then the men, and instead of bicycles, usually push shopping carts that not only contain empty bottles and cans, but their entire worldly belongings as well. Must not discriminate in your reporting. Do not forget the female contingent. Afterall, you know there is one sort of in the family.
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